I can’t cope

@Captain24 that's exactly right, there's only so much one person can take before it all gets too much (I'm safe for now).

can I share the poem with you that I wrote for the counsellor, it's not dark or triggering.

My friend will be going with me and it's 7-10pm. I'm hoping i can enjoy the time there but I know there's going to be lots of noise, bright lights and people.

I'm hoping I can nap, I'm laying on my lounge with Casper now and the TV on for noise.

Of course you can. Sharing always helps. @MissGremlin

Do you have earplugs you could wear? Or while you are out call into the chemist. They are really cheap. It will totally help with the noise and chaos.

I hope you nap so you can enjoy tonight. You never know something good may happen. One thing though is a least you are going and will be out.

@Captain24 here's the poem, then I'll reply to the rest of your post separately. (In case it needs to be said I'm safe.)

You always listened when I spoke,

even when my voice just broke.

I told you things I’d never said,

the darkest thoughts inside my head.

You never judged me for my pain,

or made me feel ashamed again.

You let me speak, you took the time,

to understand this mind of mine.

I shared my poems, fears, and hurt,

the thoughts that made me feel the worst.

And somehow you still stayed with me,

when other people chose to leave.

You tried so hard to help me cope,

to help me find some kind of hope.

You searched for support everywhere,

and showed me just how much you care.

I know this ending’s not your choice,

you tried so hard to be my voice.

But losing you feels hard to face,

because you were my safest place.

The thought of life without you there,

feels more than my heart can bear.

Because you made things feel less hard,

just by being who you are.

I don’t think words are strong enough

to thank you for your care and love.

But I need you to know it’s true,

my life was changed because of you.

Now I’m left to face each day,

without your help along the way.

I don’t know if I’ll make it through,

without the support I had from you.

@Captain24 i struggle with ear plugs as I'm scared that they'll get stuck in my ears. I'll have my earbuds which have noise cancelling if I need it.

I'm hoping I can nap for a bit. Then this afternoon I'll have to do a quick shopping trip as I've run out of bird seed. I'm glad to be going, it's just tough having to be around people.

Did you share that with her? @MissGremlin

It’s really beautiful and shows how much you both cared for each other. What her support meant to you. I feel like it shows so my appreciation for her.

I have small ear canals so ear plugs hurt. I’m suppose to wear them at work. The ear buds will work though. The plugs allow noise through just not at a high level. They can’t get stuck! 😂 but I do get the fear.

It makes me happy to hear you say you are glad to be going! I know it’s not much but it’s a little.

My diamond art is starting to come together I just had 2 colours that had more in them. I’m about to strangle Jett though. Since I opened the front door he hasn’t stopped barking!

@Captain24 i sent it to her a little while ago. She told me that I'm still welcome to share my poetry with her.

Thankyou sweet, she truly showed so much care and fought so hard to support me even when her managers were pushing her to cut our sessions months ago.

Yes mine are the same, even the ear buds hurt after a short time of wearing them. I have so many silly fears, like the other night when I asked you to sit with me was cos I'd gone into a panic over having raw chicken juice splash in my eye 😂.

Oooohhh yay for the diamond art coming together. Jett needs to stop barking, that would drive me nuts. Hoping he stops soon so that you can have quiet.

I’m glad you can still share @MissGremlin

Thats funny with the chicken juice. It’s funny how it’s the little things though that can cause so much distress. I’ve been having a lot of anxiety over mum and dad just turning up because mums birthday present is in the bench and she hasn’t seen it completed. It got the better of me today and I sent a text telling her if she was coming to let me know when they leave her house so I can hide it. A simple text solved my anxiety. I’m talking racing heart and everything!

He hasn’t finally stopped. There was someone mowing the lawn and it turns out that Jett could see him. I guess everyone’s lawns have grown in the last week! It’s good to see though. Everyone is talking about how good it was to get some rain. No conversation doesn’t mention rain. 😂

@Captain24 it's the little things that seem to trigger the anxiety the most. I have lots of what I know are irrational fears but things that have been imprinted in me from when I was growing up. I've done alot of work over the years to get over most things but there's still some that I just can't manage or cope with. I can understand being worried about them just turning up especially with your mum's present being out. Totally get that complete anxiety over it.

The rain and little bits of sun make everything grow like crazy. I'm glad he finally stopped though. It's funny cos we have a week of rain here now 😂.

It can be the little things and that’s normal. @MissGremlin. It can be the silliest little thing that scares us. I’ve got many but just can’t think of them off the top of my head.

Another 2 people mowed their lawn! The noise of the lawn mower was getting to me as well. They have both started barking again. People are out walking as well as the sun is shiny for a couple of days. It’s making me angry. I feel it building up inside. I would never hurt them though, please don’t think that. I’m about to go and get my washing off the line and iron it.

@Captain24 it's hard to think of them but when in the moment when those fears are present the feelings around them are very real.

Oh I totally understand this feeling all too well. When everything starts building up inside and it feels like you're just going to snap. I'm hoping they do settle soon sweet, (i know you'd never hurt them) the constant barking and other noises would be so overwhelming right now. Getting your washing off the line and ironing it sounds like a good idea, I hope it helps to ease a bit of the build up too.

Sending love and hugs sweetheart ❤️.