I can’t cope

@Captain24 i hope you can get a good night's sleep sweet. Please look after yourself. Sending so much love and hugs ❤️.

I don’t drink water though. I drink energy drinks. That’s my problem. @MissGremlin

It doesn’t hurt to ask or they may know somewhere that does. I’ve just got to remember to call in. Not sure how it works or anything but my GP wants the results. I didn’t ask any questions.

A break is good and can release the mind a little.

Soda streams are the best @Captain24 . I love mine.

I'm glad you are meeting with you bestie. I guess she's not your bestie for nothing!

You made your psych cry???

I was telling her everything that I’m trying to change and that I’m doing it all slowly in the hope that it sticks and not trying to change everything at once. She was really proud of me. I told her that I couldn’t have made the decision to change things without her support. I told her how much I appreciate all the work and effort she has put into me. Then she cried. She then said that we make a good team and that I’ve always tried to work on things. She said that she never has finished an appointment with me thi king that I hadn’t tried anything. She also said…. That I’m so good and easy to work with! The last one I thought of you @tyme

How are you going this morning @MissGremlin

@Captain24 I'm really not doing ok, I'm slipping. Thoughts/urges are getting too much to fight and I don't even want to fight anymore. You know when you just get so tired of fighting, that's where I'm at. Those thoughts come as such a relief, the thought of being at peace and no longer suffering, it's hard to fight against that. So for this moment I'm just barely hanging on, I feel like I'm just existing, going through the motions. I'm safe for the moment, currently chatting to a crisis service. I reached out to my counsellor the other day to tell her where things are at. I have my appointment with her this morning so I'll at least be able to talk things through even though I know it's not going to change anything, she knows that the help i desperately need is inaccessible to me. I'm sitting on my lounge snuggled with Casper, a movie on for noise and I have my diamond art with my but I'm yet to do any.

How are you doing sweetheart?

I really wish I could help. I really do understand how hard it is. If you don’t have the energy to fight do you have the energy to go through with it though? I had no energy for either. @MissGremlin

Movie, lounge and diamond art sound good and good ol’ Casper beside you. I’m here with you too. I’ll try to keep being close by.

I’ve done so much today so far.

I’ve been grocery shopping, dusted the whole house if you seen my house you’d know that that is huge with all the trinkets and stuff I have! I’ve deep cleaned my kitchen and ensuite. I’ve vacuum, including the lounges. I’ve swept and washed the floors, I moved all the chairs so it was done really well. I’ve done 2 loads of washing. It’s all hanging inside though as it’s still raining. Now I’m going to get my diamond art out to seal and clean the front room. Oh and I made my bed!!! It’s a 30 second job but it’s something that I never do. My house looks amazing! I might tackle the other spare room after the front one but I’ll see how I’m feeling!

@Captain24 that's the thing, I worry that I'll act without even thinking cos I lose focus and that's when things happen (I'm safe).

You've done amazing sweet to do all of that, super proud of you. I've done my dishes today that's it. I'm sitting trying to do my diamond art, I still haven't finished the first section but I'm trying. I actually need to make a phone call but it feels like so much effort right now.

Oh ok.. @MissGremlin. The worse I felt the safer I was. It was this part of slowly coming out of it that has everyone scared. I don’t have any appointments where they don’t ask about my safety. They are still all scared now that I have the energy to act on it.

I feel guilty that I’m starting to work my way through it and your still struggling and I don’t know how to help.

Something done is enough. My GP told me that I had to complete one thing a day. Just one so that there was some sort of achievement. Especially when I was in freeze. It also meant that I had gotten out of bed. I could do what ever I wanted after that.

It’s ok that you are still in the first section. I’ve been on a section since last week and I’ve only done 3 colours. Taking your time and being gentle with yourself is ok. It doesn’t have to be done by a certain time. Just do it how it feels right at the moment. Any distraction is better than none.

My front room is done. It actually wasn’t that bad. The next room though isn’t quite so easy! I think I’ll then have a shower and go pick up Pix’s script from the vet. I’ve got a few other shops to go to but I’ll spread them out over the next few days so I leave the house.

@Captain24 i don't even know where I'm really at with things anymore. All I know is that i get far too close to things happening in the moments that get really intense but the thoughts/urges are there every second of everyday (I'm safe).

Don't feel guilty, I'm so happy that you're starting to work your way through it. You help just by being here and caring sweet.

It's hard to get out of bed but I have to every day of the week anyway so I just do it. It's when I come back home after the mornings that I've been out that I crash and everything gets too much to sit with.

I think taking my time with it right now is a good idea. I'm really close to finishing the first section so I've made progress. I'll keep working on it while I'm on the phone to the counsellor when she rings in about 30 minutes.

I can't believe how much you've done, I'm really impressed. It sounds like you've got it all planned out so that you get out over the next few days too.

I ended up making 2 phone calls but accomplished nothing, they couldn't tell me where things are at for the letter that I've been waiting for since February and the other place the person I need to talk to isn't available so I'll have to wait for them to call me back.