I can’t cope

It’s a big outlay but over time it’s pretty good. It just says ongoing on the bottle so I don’t know if it’s permanent or until we get her diabetes stable. I’ll just give them to her with meals and that’s less stress for us all. @MissGremlin

I wish I could help with support and you could get through this easier. I know you are trying really hard and that must be difficult on your own.

2 nights is a good getaway though. Plus getting to meet your friend. I hope the concert is good.

I still have to do my plastics drawer but I am so so so tired! I’m hoping it doesn’t take too long and then I can have a nap. That’s it for today, I can’t iron my washing as it won’t be dry. It’s drizzling so it’s all hanging inside. I do have the air con on in that room though.

How are you going?

Hey @Jynx

You wrote that you are excited for me with working really hard on myself. I just made my psych cry. I told her all the good things and I told her that I have only gotten this far because of her and her guidance, support and encouragement. She said we make a really good team. I said was proud of myself, I don’t always speak to myself harshly just mainly when I’m extremely tired and I can’t work with the thoughts. It was a really positive appointment. Her only suggestions was to do something nice for myself on my birthday.

Im really tired now but I want to clean out my plastics drawer and then I’m going to allow myself a nap. I just can’t beat this exhaustion, no one knows what to do. My GP yesterday wants me to have bloods done so I have to remember to do them. He wants iron studies done.

Pix is now on more medication and one is ongoing. I’m not sure if it’s permanent or just until we finalise her insulin levels.

How are you going?

@Captain24 sorry sweet, i dozed off very briefly. Hoping it's not a permanent one but doing it with meals is a good idea and will make it easier on everyone.

It's so hard doing things on my own and the support worker hasn't made contact again, neither has my counsellor when she said she would. I'm tired is trying so hard when I just have nothing to fight for and no strength left.

It will be a good little trip but I'm so worried about what's going to happen here while I'm away.

Hoping you can have a rest after sweet, you definitely deserve it after everything you've done today.

I've woken up in a panic, I'm shaking, my heart is pounding and I'm struggling to catch my breath. I'm safe for now, I've made an iced coffee and I'm sitting here trying to slow things down, I have to head out in about 30 minutes.

It’s ok to doze off especially when you need it. I’m sorry how you have woken up though. I hope you can calm yourself down enough to get out soon. @MissGremlin

Im sorry they aren’t getting back to you especially when you desperately need someone. I wish the MH system wasn’t as bad as it is and was more supportive. I struggled with support when I was with comm health.

What could happen?

I just had my appointment and even though I’m so tired and my thoughts are so loud it was positive. We even both laughed and had to calm ourselves down. I can’t remember the last time I had a full on laugh. My cheeks actually hurt, I guess from being out of practice. I even made her cry happy tears.

I’ve just done the plastics drawer and I’ve climbed into bed for a nap. Hopefully it’s helpful and I can do some diamond art when I wake up.

Hope going out is good for you.

@Captain24 i have to go out regardless of how i feel.

I wish the system was better, there's so many people that are struggling and can't get proper support. It hurts that I'm trying so hard to get support but can't get it, that's when the feelings of not being with helping really come until play and then the feelings of abandonment when someone does help briefly but then stops without a reason of why.

Someone being here that's not supposed to be. I'm really hoping my boundaries actually get listened when I'm not here.

Awwww I'm so glad you got to have a good laugh with your psych. You forget how nice it is to have those moments and yes it very much leaves your cheeks sore, mine go all shaky. I'm happy to hear that it was a positive appointment but I can understand why those thoughts are still there and loud, just know they're allowed to be there but they are just thoughts, you're in control of them.

Hoping you get a decent nap sweetheart and that you can do some diamond art after. I'm really close to finishing the custom one so maybe I'll get to do it once I get back.

Hope it went well going out @MissGremlin

Are you not allowed to have people? I do hope they listen, it’s always an uncertain feeling leaving someone in your house.

She understood my thoughts and is concerned but the main focus was on how far I have come. When I’m tired and hungry apparently that’s when my bucket of shit over flows. Which is why it gets so hard with me being so exhausted all the time.

I got an hour and a half. I wanted to just lay there and not get up but it’s better for me to get up. I have just sat down to my diamond art. It’s getting a bit cold here though.

@Captain24 going out was ok but my anxiety was high. I had to go to the chemist to get some scripts filled and make sure I have enough of things to take with me when I'm away.

It's good you can pinpoint when things get hard but yes it's tricky when you're exhausted all the time. You've honestly come such a long way and I'm so proud of you.

I'm glad you got a little bit of rest, I get wanting to lay there but sometimes that's not helpful for the thoughts. Glad you're doing your diamond art. It's cooling down here now too but it was warm in the sun earlier.

I have found that my anxiety has lessened since going out more. I even went grocery shopping in the busiest part of the day. @MissGremlin

Im sorry you had anxiety though. That’s rough. Getting stuff organised is hard too. Trying to get extra of stuff to allow for the time away.

I think I know.

Thanks you, I have come a long way and I actually am proud of myself. I should have done it long ago but I just wasn’t ready or able to then.

That's why I got up. I didn’t want to start being harsh to myself for laying and doing nothing. I’ve done a couple of colours of the diamond art. I’m just still so tired though.

Hiws things going?

@Captain24 you did incredibly well to go during the busiest time of day. When I end up over there in the afternoons it's right at school pick up time so there's usually lots of kids around 😂.

I think i have enough of what I need now, just need to make sure I pack everything. That's when I use a list but only one in my head 😂.

That's the thing you've got to be ready and able to, you can't rush these things. Keep going sweet, you've got this ❤️.

Is Pix's last lot of meds at 9pm tonight?

Things are somewhat okayish at the moment but I have a headache and thoughts (I'm safe). Just taking things slowly and looking forward to bedtime tonight.

Eeewww kids @MissGremlin. If I have to go in the afternoon I go about 3 as all the parents are picking up the kids and then I usually get out before they all come!

No No No… I start writing a list on my phone about 4 weeks out. Then I delete the item of my list only when it is packed and in the suitcase, not if it’s sitting on the bed next to it. I delete everything one at a time so then the morning of leaving it’s just the last things. I only walk out of the house when that list is empty! I would forget stuff if I just had it in my head! I think it’s the AuDHD! Needing to be organise but forgetting.

I have gone backwards as the thoughts are more frequent and I can’t keep myself out of bed. I can reduce the power of the thoughts a lot of the time.

Yeah, it’s the last one at 9. After tonight everything else is done with dinner at 8:30.

okish is alright. Better than not. I really like it when it’s time to jump in bed. I think of the feel of my doona and being all snuggled up.

I was thinking of you when I swept my floor. You must have so many dots in your bed. I’ve swept and washed the floor and there is still dots everywhere. Even down the hall!