I can’t cope

@Captain24 I'm glad you're in bed sweet and I'm hoping that you can fall asleep quickly. Try to remember that they're only thoughts and that you matter.

Sending lots of love and hugs ❤️.

So Pixie is sick, they considered keeping her in hospital. She is on 3 different medications and if there is no improvement in her poop over the weekend she is to be admitted on Monday. I hope this isn’t what my poor girl has to go through continually. She is tough but this is a lot.

Im really tired even after 8 hours of sleep. I could easily still be asleep now. My back is really hurting and I have to pretend it’s ok at work. Maybe I’ll ring in sick tomorrow? I don’t know? I don’t want to go to work. The thought of it is increasing my heart rate. I’ve just had breakfast because I forgot I usually have dinner. I’m just stupid and can’t think straight.

I just don’t want to go. I’m scared to go. It’s too hard and it’s too much. Why does it have to be so hard.

Now after writing this I am running late. How stupid can you get.

@Captain24 oh sweet, I'm sorry Pix is sick. Hoping she improves over the weekend.

You're not stupid sweetheart, you have alot going on and it's easy to forget things. I hear how hard it is to have to face going to work, I'm sorry it's like this for you.

Sending you so much love and hugs ❤️.

Pix has the same thing as what she was hospitalised for earlier on. If mum didn’t take her today she would be in hospital tomorrow or the next day to fight for her life again. The vet that she sore was surprised we were so on it. She instantly did the pancreatitis check without mum demanding it. I have to take her back on Monday for a follow up to make sure we beat it. One of her vets should be on on Monday. I now have to cancel el my dietitian appointment as I just can’t afford it. @MissGremlin

@Captain24 poor Pix, she's certainly having a run of bad luck. But again you've done amazing to catch things so early, she's so lucky you have you. It sucks that you have to cancel your dietician appointment, things are so expensive and vets definitely aren't cheap. I'm really hoping Pix starts improving so that she can avoid having to stay in hospital. I'm thinking of you both sweet and sending my love to you ❤️.

Pixies regular vet’s wouldn’t be surprised we picked it up! @MissGremlin

We learnt a little more about it today though

I just hit some pretty wild bumps that I couldn’t see. Now I’m in intense pain. I haven’t told anyone though.

How is Casper's ear?

@Captain24 I'm not surprised that you did, you're very in tune with your furbabies.

Oh no, hitting the bumps would have been incredibly painful 😞. Please be careful sweet and let someone know if it's too much for you, remember to put yourself first.

Caspers ear seems to be doing ok, it's not so warm anymore and doesn't smell. I'm just keeping it clean and monitoring it.

I’m glad his ear is getting better, you got onto it early too! @MissGremlin

My back has settled but I am so so tired that I just can’t do it anymore. I have a pounding headache as well. I told them I had a migraine and needed to go home. They have just driven me offsite to my car.

Now to drive the 40 minutes home, exhausted with a million and one kangaroos. Stupid things they are. I’m guaranteed to hit at least one. She how my drive goes, hopefully I stay awake

I’ve just walked in the door. There was only 6 kangaroos on the road so that was good and I didn’t hit any. That’s unheard of in the dark and in drought. Some of the roads I drive on don’t have centre lines as the roads aren’t wide enough. Country living!

I’m taking some pain relief, I’m on so much of it. I’m sick of my whole life revolving around tablets. With the pain relief I’m taking nearly 30 tablets a day.

I just feel like everything is just way too hard right now. Life is just all too much. I just keep letting everyone down. I can’t keep up to expectations.

My mental health is really starting to affect my work. I’d rather be dead than lose my job. If I lose it or Pix then I’m just done with it all. I will never cope if I lose Pix. She is my heart and soul.

Im going to go to bed before my thoughts get the better of me. Here’s hoping that when I wake up my life has changed. Not going to happen though. My life is never going to be good until the day I end it.

@Captain24 I'm glad that your back settled but the pounding headaches are horrible. It's good that you were able to let them know and also get home, I'm glad you made it home safely without having any run ins with kangaroos.

I can understand how it would be hard taking so many tablets especially when you're on pain relief ones aswell. I'm hoping the pain settles for you soon so you don't have to take as many.

Life has definitely been challenging lately but you're not letting people down. In fact I see it as the opposite cos you didn't just push through and risk yours and others safety, you spoke up which takes strength. You looked after yourself and also cared about the wellbeing of others.

I'm sorry your mental health is having such a huge impact right now but try to remember that things can and will get better. Pix being unwell is scary and I know how much she means to you, but you did really well to catch things early and I'm hoping that she'll be ok and feeling better soon.

Hope you've been getting lots of sleep sweetheart and that things are feeling better when you wake up. I relate to the thought/feelings around your life never going to be good until the day you end it. But know that i care so much about you sweet and by knowing you it makes my life a little brighter, knowing that someone cares and takes the time to chat to me when things get tough. Sending so much love and hugs to you ❤️.