I can’t cope

@Captain24 the inspection is on Thursday, but Tuesday is doctors appointment and support worker, Wednesday i have an appropriate and then Thursday is counsellor appointment and inspection. If i try to ring her she has a go at me and takes it out on me when other people have cancelled their inspections. Unfortunately there's still 2 areas that need a good clean up before I can do the general cleaning. I'm really scared about trying to push myself knowing how things are currently sitting but I'm scared to try to contact the land agent too (I'm safe for now). I'm glad you don't have to deal with house inspections anymore, some of them can be so strict. Mines not that bad but i just can't manage an inspection clean right now.

I'm sorry that you woke up a few times during the night. It's hard not getting quality sleep.

I'm here for you sweet, we can take the day slowly, just one step at a time ❤️.

Lunches are cooked and just waiting for them to cool down a bit to put in the fridge. Also did the dishes and set the dishwasher. Plus I put the bin out. @MissGremlin

Now it’s me time until this afternoon. Then bring in washing and iron it, unpacked the dishwasher and fold the towels. That’s everything done.

Im sorry it’s so hard to change it. Are the two areas that bad or are you over thinking it? I was thinking about your craft stuff can you stick it in a cupboard or push it under your bed?

Just moment by moment. Now that I’ve stopped it’s a little unsettling. But it’s done and that’s what matters.

@Captain24 well done for doing lunches and dishes sweet, I'm so proud of you.

I'm glad you've got some me time now but I also know it can be hard when everything stops.

Unfortunately those areas do need quite alot done and I have no cupboards or anywhere to put the stuff. I did want to get some containers but unfortunately they are too expensive.

I'm hoping doing your diamond art will help, even if it's just a little bit.

I just and went and had a sleep @MissGremlin

Now about to start my diamond art.

@Captain24 I'm glad you had a sleep sweet.

Doing some diamond art sounds perfect ☺️

The darkness is here. It’s surrounding me. It just wants my existence over. I’ve had enough. Since 10:30 all I have done is be in bed. I got up for 15 minutes and I’m back in again. My body has nothing. No energy at all. I couldn’t even wait the 10 minutes until my dishwasher finished. I felt like I was going to collapse. I’m slowly wasting away today. Maybe I’ll continue to waste away. There is nothing to be out of bed for. There is nothing to live for. I have nothing and I am nothing. There is no point in it at all. I’m safe at he moment, my babies are in the bed with me.

@Captain24 oh sweet, I'm sorry the darkness is surrounding you. I'm here with you sweetheart ❤️

@Captain24 can you read back through at everything you've done since you got up this morning sweet? You've done a phenomenal amount even after having a disturbed sleep. I think it's ok that you're back in bed, you're listening to your body and you're allowed to rest. I'm still in bed, I got up and did the dishes but almost passed out, I'm not feeling right today within myself both mentally and physically. So I'm listening to my body, I'm trying to rest despite panicking about how I'm going to deal with this inspection. But the inspection is not worth my life, pushing myself to a point where it's dangerous is not something I'm prepared to do (I'm safe and snuggled up with Casper).

Breathe sweetheart and just pause for a moment. Read back through what your psych sent you, you've been through these hard times before and you got through it, I know it's hard and it feels like it's never going to end but this storm will pass and there'll be a beautiful rainbow waiting at the other side of the storm.

You are loved and you matter so much. Sending so much love and hugs beautiful ❤️.

I’ve woken up again. I’ve got my washing off the line but didn’t iron it. I just can’t do it. The darkness still envelopes me. I really just want to go back to bed again but I’ll try to stay up this time. I feel useless having spent most of the day in bed. Usually that just happens after I finish night shift. i often have a sleep but not all day. Maybe this time I’ll sit down and try some diamond art but I don’t think even that can distract from my thoughts, they are too loud and too fast. I’ve had enough. I don’t want to keep doing this.

@Captain24 you did well getting the washing off the line sweet, the ironing can wait. I'm sitting doing my diamond art, maybe we can just sit together and do it? I'm sorry today is proving to be so hard but I'm here with you, you're not alone ❤️.