I can’t cope

She thinks if we work on my self hatred a little that it may help. She did say that there has been changes sconce the last time I went through this so that’s progress but it just doesn’t change anything that I feel in the moment. @MissGremlin

Oh that would be so hard! There would have been a lot of stuff that you came across and had to deal with in the moment. That takes some strength to do that sort of thing!

My creepy married neighbour offered something similar.

Im glad you take your time in making them and just enjoy the process. I guess enjoy is probably the wrong word. But I think you know what im trying to say.

@Captain24 I'm hoping it does help to work on it. I completely understand not feeling the progress in the moment. Oh sweet, i really hear you and I'm sending you lots of love and hugs ❤️.

There was lots of stuff and I was only 17-22 when I did those things. I did St John ambulance cadets for 8 years when I was a kid, always wanted to help people.

There's some really creepy people out there, I don't understand how they can think that it's ok.

Yes i get what you're trying to say, not even i can think of the right word 😂.

I deleted that part of the post. Sorry I shouldn’t have written it. I thought I deleted it before you saw it @MissGremlin Thats one of the biggest thoughts going through my head. Plus all the others are of a similar thought line.

Wow.. that is something awesome about always wanting to help people. Maybe when you get through this you could be a peer support worker. You have that caring and supportive nature and it would be helping people like us.

Therapeutic!

@Captain24 it's completely ok sweetheart. I get it, i truly do. I sit with that feeling/thought every second of every day.

Peer support work is something I'd love to do but I'm not sure I'll ever be able to. Everyone always says 'never say never' but how can I support others when I'm struggling so much myself and I'm not seeing that changing. I'm an admin in a mental health group on Facebook and I support people within that group which I love doing and it's a way that I can still help but when I have the capacity to do so. I also support a few people here both off and on the forums.

Yes therapeutic, that's the word.

When I was in freeze I never really had a lot of those thoughts. They would come randomly but not often. Now my head actually hurts with how much, how often and the power behind them. I do consider… all the time. @MissGremlin It’s really hard and I’m so sorry if I triggered you. I really do apologise. You can take a step back if you need to. I would completely understand. But I’m extra sorry that you get it.

I would love to do it too. I even started a course for it but I wasn’t able to manage all the technology that goes with the assessments and the thought of role plays caused so much anxiety. I wasnt in a well place when I started it either. So that didn’t help. If it wasn’t online it would be easier because I could ask for help with it and be shown how to do it.

Everyone keeps telling me that this will end, I’m hoping it does for you as well. My psych asked me today how long this has lasted in the past and I told her months! I’ve got a long way to go. I’m hoping you can get a shift soon and work through it.

Im in bed so if I stop replying it means I’ve gone to sleep.

Please step back if I have triggered you.

@Captain24 you haven't triggered me at all sweetheart. It's such a horrible space to be in and I relate to it making your head hurt so much from it being so constant. The freeze is easier to be in cos things aren't as intense but even having those thoughts was easier cos you simply don't have the energy to do anything with them. Whereas coming out if it they become harder to just sit with.

That's where I would struggle, have too much anxiety over doing things in groups in person but also online aswell. Maybe one day things will change and I'll be able to do something but I'm not holding my breath.

It can last ages which makes it hard to know when it will end. Really hoping that both of us can have a shift soon so that things are feeling even just a little bit better.

I'm hoping you can get a good night's sleep sweet.

I’m glad I didn’t trigger you @MissGremlin

You totally get it. It’s not an easy thing and I’m really scared to be going through it all again.

Im just too old and don’t understand all the referencing and how to find stuff. I need to learn a lot before I can even consider it. So it’s totally out of the question for me. Maybe if I was 10 years younger I could try but not now.

Im hoping that it is quicker since she pointed out the things I’m doing differently this time. I’m trying to take better care of myself. I’ve woken up today with nothing to give. I have just cleaned my kitchen so it looks better for mum and dad turning up. Maybe if I find any energy throughout the day I can do the rest but right now I just don’t care. I do really need to do the ironing though so I have work clothes ready.

How did you sleep? How are you feeling?

@Captain24 it's definitely not an easy thing and very scary even if you've been through it before.

Think i would struggle with the referencing and how to find things aswell.

Hoping it's quicker for you but also know that you're not going through it alone. I get that feeling of nothing to give but you've done well to even just get the kitchen clean.

Sleeping was tough but I got a bit at least. Feeling really anxious about today and I feel completely drained.

I have a friend from hospital that I actually told most things too. She wants me to call her whenever I need to. I’m not sure that I will but I will Facebook message her At times @MissGremlin

I’m just going to take it easy having Keiko as well. I might get a couple of things done during the day but I’m not going to just push myself until my job list is done. I do like to have everything done so that then the next couple of days are nothing but I’ll just see what happens. I have been liking my new routine though. There’s not really a lot though. Vacuuming and washing the floors is impossible with all three of them running around inside and out. But they look ok so can just wait until Sunday.

At least you did get a bit last night. I totally get the being anxious about today. I can only imagine how hard it is. Being drained is hard.

How are you going to look after yourself today? You really need some self care and self compassion.

I took a photo just then.

@Captain24 awwww that's a gorgeous photo 😍. I'm just about to head out for a little trip so I'll reply when I get back.