I can’t cope

@Captain24 they are big things and I'm proud of you for getting them done.

It's really horrible to live with, some days are better than others. Unfortunately today is not a good day with it.

I bet you can't wait to get to bed, hoping you can fall asleep quickly and get lots of rest.

I'm sitting on my lounge with Casper and I'm making lucky stars to keep myself distracted. Also chatting to a crisis service to hopefully keep things at bay.

Thanks @MissGremlin. Towels are hung and doona cover in the wash. Now I’ve just climbed into bed.

Im sorry today is a harder day. I’m glad you are reaching out though. I’m hoping it’s more helpful than last night.

My day just got a lot harder too. Really hard actually. Talking about it all made it more real. I’m really struggling with everything I said. But we worked out that my biggest trigger is my self hatred. It’s so bad that hate is too kind of a word for it. That’s something she wants to work on.

I hope the lucky stars help with distraction and being with Casper. I have Jett laying against my back and Pix at my feet.

Im going to sleep now and I’m hoping it’s for a few hours.

Thinking of you and talk soon.

@Captain24 hoping you're having a good sleep sweet.

I'm sorry it got really hard but I'm proud of you for talking to your psych about everything and hopefully you can work on it moving forward. I understand how talking about things makes everything feel real and i also relate to the self loathing. For me even looking in a mirror makes me feel physically sick at the person looking back at me.

The stars helped a bit and then I had a rest but only dozed off briefly.

Chat to you when you wake up sweetheart ❤️

Hey @MissGremlin. I’ve just woken up. I got 4 1/2 hours sleep. I’m still tired but at least not so bad. I just have to get all my washing off the line and that’s all I’m doing today. The ironing I can do tomorrow.

I don’t look in a mirror for that reason. I turn my back to it when I get out of the shower and when I’m cleaning my teeth at the vanity I look at the tap. The only time I look in the mirror is when I’m blow drying my hair.

Im glad you had a little doze. Are you back at them now? How’s things feeling?

@Captain24 I'm glad you got a bit of sleep sweet. I brought my washing in that I hung up just before. Reckon that's more than enough for today, you deserve to rest.

I don't even look in it at all even to do my hair.

I'm back home now. I've just finished putting the bins out and cleaning the bird cage as it's bin night. I got an email this morning to say that my house inspection is on the 7th, not sure how I'm supposed to get the ready by then. At it moment it's having a huge impact on the thoughts that were already intense. I'm safe for now and just trying to keep busy.

I’m back in bed @MissGremlin. I did get the washing off the line though. It’s sitting in my kitchen bench even though I had to walk past the ironing room to go back to bed! Lazy!

I don’t look to do my hair either. I only ever tie if in a ponytail anyway. Just the blow drying.

At least you did the bins, that’s a big thing.

That’s so hard. It’s just next week. Don’t they have to give you 14 days notice? It’s been a really long time since I’ve had one. I certainly don’t miss them. The last place that I lived in for over 7 years was a private rental and never did inspections.

It must feel like another stress to already add to the pile. How are we going to go with those rooms? What can we do together? Other than the lifting of course.

@Captain24 well done for getting the washing off the line and it's perfectly ok to be back in bed.

That's all I do is put my hair in a ponytail.

Doing the bins is a huge job and one i really despise doing.

Usually they give me more notice but not this time, legally it can't be less than 7 days notice. I've been in this house for 10 years so inspections every 3 months it's honestly ridiculous.

Awww you're so sweet ❤️. It's only 1 room that I have to clean with and my dining area that I use for craft, the rest of the house is just a general clean. But those 2 areas are a huge challenge for me. I'm not sure how to even approach it cos whenever I try i go from being ok to ready to act on thoughts and have to step away otherwise i will (I'm safe). I'm hoping i can try to do little bits at a time but I'm really not sure how i will go and that scares me especially being alone physically.

I just want to sleep and forget. I’m imagining doing something. @MissGremlin. I just want it all to stop. Right now I’m only seeing one way.

do you know what else I don’t like about bin night… having to bring the damn things in the next day!

How bad is your dining area? Do you really need to clean it or would a tidy up just work? I know I had a stove top that I couldn’t clean so I always made sure I was cooking something while they were there so it hid it. You can have a craft area and just be working with it when they come? If it’s something you are comfortable with? would that be a little less pressure?

@Captain24 oh sweetheart, i truly do understand how you're feeling. But I'm here with you and we will take today and every other day one little step at a time together ❤️.

Yes bringing them in is so annoying too.

The dining area needs to be tidied up, it's not as bad as it was cos I've at least been able to find some of the table and clear my chair to be able to sit there. But it's the fact that the handyman that wants to come out needs access to both sides of the wall either side of the loungeroom and dining area to fix the hole in the wall where the heater used to be. So I really don't have a choice but to clean the whole area fully so I can move both zolas tank and my dining table for him to do the work.