I can’t cope

@Captain24 i think it was for the best too and I'm glad you've got an appointment on Wednesday. Even if you are at your worst she'll be there to support you sweet and a bonus that the house will be clean before you go to bed.

I had a horrible feeling of dread come over me and thoughts hit with such intensity so I packed up the diamond art to lay on my lounge and snuggle with Casper. (I'm safe).

I know those thoughts are tough when they come on, but you're not alone in sitting with them. I'm here with you sweetheart ❤️.

She just emailed me back and said ‘at your worst isn’t the worst timing :)’ @MissGremlin I think she is going to make it hard for me. At least I can go to bed after and sleep off the effects.

Im sorry that happened. You were doing a little better for a little while. At least you have Casper. Hold him close and tight. I’m sorry.

They are hard. I just can’t ignore them as much as I’m trying to say ‘thanks brain I accept that but now I’m going to focus on my diamond art’ that’s what my psych suggested. She said it for when I go to bed and the thoughts hit and say thanks brain now I’m going to focus on the ocean.

It’s not easy though but it’s a suggestion so I’m trying it. I’ll give anything a go to try and stop the worst one. It’s pretty bad.

@Captain24 sometimes when you're at your worst it's the best time to have a session with your psych. It's often a chance to put into practice things you talk about that may help.

Yes it was good while it lasted. I'm doing my best to focus on Casper, waiting to get through to a crisis service as things are a little strong for my liking (I'm safe).

I know it's hard to ignore them and trying to sit with them can be uncomfortable, but remember they are only thoughts and we don't have to act on them. You're doing so well to keep trying sweetheart. Sending you lots of hugs ❤️.

I’m so proud of you, you reach out when you feel you need to. That is a really hard thing to do. I can’t do it, I’m suppose to call before things get bad but I don’t have the strength. @MissGremlin

Thanks. They feel really relentless. I’ll do my diamond art for another hour and then I guess I should cook dinner as I need it for the next 3 nights. It’s a real struggle to be bothered though.

@Captain24 it's not always been the case where I've been able to reach out before things got bad or even at all. The fact that you have reached out is incredible and shows that you can do it and you do have the strength. It's just learning to be able to before it gets to a critical point which can be hard cos things can change rapidly at times.

What's for dinner tonight sweet? I know it's a struggle but you've got this ❤️

It’s hard. They give me suggestions I already know and have already tried. @MissGremlin.

Being in hospital twice has given me a lot of skills. They just don’t always work.

I can’t cook. I just can’t do it so I have just boiled some pasta and I’m going to put cheese on it. The next two nights will probably just be 2 minute noodles.

I have got my lunches out and on the bench ready to put in my lunch box for the next couple of days. I was going to have curried eggs sandwiches but I just can’t do that either. I have been doing really well with it all but I’ve failed really badly today. With everything

@Captain24i truly understand this sweet. I've got the skills there but actually getting them to work is not easy at all. Things used to work but now they don't anymore which is why I'm always having to change what I try, it's the same with distractions.

It's ok that you can't cook and you're definitely not failing for not being able to sweetheart. Pasta with cheese is perfectly ok and if 2 minute noodles are all you can manage then that's ok too, you're doing your best sweet.

I want you to pause and think about what you've done over the last few days. You've cleaned the house, gone out to do shopping, picked up a script, bathed the dogs, changed your bedding, showered and cleaned your teeth and I know there's more things. I know it's just things that need to be done, but when you're struggling with mental health and those thoughts all of these things are so much harder to do but yet you've done them.

So take a breath with me, and tell yourself 'I've done my best and my best is good enough'. It's time to try to be gentle with yourself, I'm trying to learn to do this aswell, right now I'm having a hot chocolate with marshmallows, it's a treat that's just for me and I'm trying to remind myself that i deserve it.

Sending so much love and hugs beautiful ❤️

I just had it. I should have it altogether, especially when it comes to work. @MissGremlin

Thanks for pointing that out. I guess I’m not as much of a failure as I feel right now. I did get stuff done. I have also really gone downhill this afternoon. You nearly made me cry.

I am currently in a really bad way. I’m safe but really hating on myself and my life. My thoughts are just so loud. The feeling in my body is just so strong.

@Captain24 oh sweetheart, I'm sorry things have really gone downhill this afternoon. I know how easy it is to feel like a failure, but from where I stand i see a person that's pushing through and doing their absolute best despite things being incredibly hard. I know that's hard to hear and accept as when people tell me it i am very quick to shut it down, but we need to rewire our brains to start seeing the little achievements. It's not easy and it will take time but it's not impossible.

I truly do understand how you're feeling, I know nothing i say will take those thoughts and feelings away. But what I can do is sit here with you, I can hold space for you so you know you're not alone in this. I'm here sweet and I care so much about you ❤️.

I can see the achievements of what I have done. Also allow myself some downtime by doing diamond art. I am learning to recognise them but right now I’m having trouble feeling it. If that makes sense? @MissGremlin

Sorry.. I shouldn’t have said all that. You don’t need it when you are going through even worse yourself.

I just want to go to bed before anything happens. I’m safe