I can’t cope

@Captain24 in a way I'm hoping it's not her but it sounds like she has alot of support around her which will definitely help if she's affected by what's happened. I bet it was a massive shock to find out on Facebook.

Today is feeling really heavy, I had a doctors appointment but anxiety was too much to go in so I changed it to a telehealth appointment, he was running 45 minutes late. But the phone call itself was crappy, no support was given. I've just laid down on my lounge, put a movie on and I'm snuggling with Casper. I really don't want to face the rest of the day (I'm safe).

It was. I rang dad straight away but he had just seen it and wanted to ring her but figured she was a bit busy with cops and everything. @MissGremlin

I’ve been and done my shopping. My stomach hurts now though from lifting everything. I guess I’m still recovering! It’s not too bad though, doesn’t require pain relief.

Im really tired and just want to go to bed but I have my appointment at 2 and dad is coming around to mow my lawn sometime between now and Sunday! So I can’t go to bed anyway.

Im sorry it’s so heavy and you couldn’t go out. It’s hard when it’s not supportive it leaves you feeling isolated and alone.

I get the ‘don’t want to face the day’ it’s a hard feeling and that’s usually when I just go and curl up in my bed. I’m so glad you have Casper.

@Captain24 sorry for the delayed reply sweet.

You did so well to go and do your shopping and i hope your stomach has settled down a bit now.

Hoping your appointment went ok for you sweetheart.

It's been a really hard day and the afternoons plans got messed up so I had to go out. I was laying on my lounge with Casper which is where I really wanted to stay. My counsellor was questioning whether I need to go to hospital, she knows I do but she also knows I can't (I'm safe).

It’s all good @MissGremlin

Its still a little sore but now I know o still have to take it easy. I did go to a few shops where I needed stuff though.

My appointment was ok. We came to a similar conclusion that I’m heading into a mixed episode. We did talk about my sleep though and that instead of tossing and turning getting up and doing something and then try again. I’m not suppose to sleep during the day but I told her I have been getting that exhausted that I can’t stand up.

I really don’t like it when things don’t go to plan. I struggle badly with it.

Im sorry it’s a hard day.

Why can’t you go to hospital? What’s holding you back?

@Captain24 I'm glad you went to a few shops to get things needed but taking it easy now sounds like a good idea.

I'm glad your appointment went ok. Totally hear you on the mixed episode, that's pretty much where I'm at. Having moments where I've got so much energy and I can't sit still but no motivation to do anything, then other moments that I'm completely exhausted that if I don't sit down I'll fall down. Hoping things settle for you still sweet as I know it's so tough being like this.

I struggle with it too hence why now I'm sitting frozen on the kitchen floor with a million things racing through my head (I'm safe).

Hospital isn't an option cos of Casper and other 2 pets that I have noone to help look after them.

I’m just sitting in the lounge talking myself into getting up and cooking dinner @MissGremlin I haven’t done any diamond art today.

I’ll talk to my psychiatrist tomorrow about my mixed. You describe it exactly. I’m sitting here just wanting to go to bed. I’m feeling really down about it all.

I’ve got thoughts to that I haven’t had for a little while. That’s going to scare the Pdoc.

I get that pets are a problem, that’s why I didn’t as well as work. I know that there is some issues with the relationship with your kids but would one of them be able to care for them. If I’m stepping out of my lane please tell me.

@Captain24 I get how hard it is to talk yourself into doing things. I put food on and now I'm back sitting on the floor staring at the oven. I did a tiny bit of the brick building thing this morning i brought yesterday but that's all I've done today.

Feeling down about it all is valid, it's exhausting to go through. Sending hugs sweetheart, you're not alone ❤️.

Those thoughts are there for me constantly but it's the intensity that varies. Like last night they were incredibly intense and I was in a risky space (i reached out to a crisis service) but like now they are there and strong but I just physically don't have the energy to do anything (I'm safe). Hopefully the pdoc is supportive when you tell them and has ideas on how to get through the moments when they are there.

Unfortunately the kids helping isn't an option as mother has control over that. It's a sensitive subject.

I’ve just put the pot on to boil. I’m making pasta bake. @MissGremlin

The kitchen floor is a safe space for you isnt it? I hope your dinner comes together.

At least it was something even though it wasn’t much. Im just watching tv. I have no interest in the diamond art at all. Maybe tomorrow when I’ve got nothing on until the Pdoc rings me in the afternoon.

It’s going down hill rapidly. Hopefully she will help. But there is only so much that medication can do. I already take 18 tablets a day.

I get that you are safe because you just can’t do anything. That is a hard place to be in. Im glad you reached out. I can’t do that. I wish I could soften the noise for you.

@Captain24 pasta bake is a good meal, I'm proud of you for starting sweet.

The kitchen floor is a safe spot for me, I'm not sure why though. I just had a sausage on a piece of bread, not really hungry but know i needed to eat something.

It's ok to sit and watch TV, you did alot of diamond art yesterday. I think you've done really well today with getting to the shops and it's ok that you are taking things easy now.

I hear you sweet, it's horrible when things go down hill rapidly. Really hoping the pdoc can help tomorrow sweet, medications can only do so much and are best used in conjunction with therapy so I'm glad that you do have that sort of support aswell.

It is a hard place to be in, I find it rather frustrating. I struggled to reach out and even when I did i instantly shut-down, I'm finding that they just don't understand the space that I'm in during those moments. Honestly sweetheart, it helps with you just being here, more often than not it's just connection that i need and I'm able to get that here.

It’s just in the oven baking now. @MissGremlin . I’ve even washed the dishes I used. That is huge!

That sounds good though, I love a sausage sanga. If the floor is it then that’s what it is. At least you have a safe space.

I just have to chill and catch up on tv I’ve missed. I just need to wait until Pix has dinner and then I can try going to bed.

people don’t get it. It’s hard when they don’t understand and can’t support you. Just the generic ‘have a bath’ ‘ring a friend’ isn’t possible.

Do you have plans for anything tonight? Or are you about to start your bedtime routine?