I can’t cope

Thank you @MissGremlin

I appreciate you popping in.

Im sorry it’s so hard for you.

Im thinking of you as well.

Is it so much though @Jynx.? I thought I should just be taking it in my stride. I cant

play the mental health card for every thing. I just need to get on with it. Freeze or no freeze.

I hope it works. I really need it to. I feel

like I need a break. I’m guessing it’ll take time. I just have to be careful that it doesn’t send me manic so I have to watch for that as well! Can’t be simple.

Thanks for being proud even though I don’t deserve it. It shouldn’t be this hard to keep going. I dragged myself to work for the last 2 days. I just have to get up and follow my routine and just get on with it. I now have 3 nights to go. I think the nights are going to be extra hard with how tired I am.

@Captain24

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@Captain24 wrote:

Is it so much though @Jynx.? I thought I should just be taking it in my stride. I cant

play the mental health card for every thing.

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Yes, it is so much hun, and I think more to the point, one of the biggest stressors is your dogs. Time and time again you've shared how much they protect you, because you love them so much that you would hate to abandon them. And don't forget that our pets are our family, we form strong familial bonds with them, and the grief we can feel at losing them can be as severe as losing a family member. If someone told you that one of their most cherished family members had fallen ill and suddenly required full-time care, would you think that that person ought to just be 'taking it in stride?' I wouldn't...

So... Why not be able to play that card? Our mental health struggles impact everything. Stress and distress compound, so that maybe if it was one thing OR the other you may be able to cope with it a bit better, but when it's all at once, well... sometimes our brains hit a wall and until something shifts, we may just be stuck in numbed-out auto-pilot so that we can get by long enough to see things through.

So to me, the freeze is how you are 'getting on with it' - it's keeping you functional whilst you are dealing with all those things I mentioned.

To me, those times when you feel you are the least deserving, is actually when you are the most deserving. You're saying it shouldn't be this hard... but it is hard, it's REALLY HARD what you're going through. I don't think anyone in your shoes would be functioning any moreso, or any better. Cos you're going through all of these stressful life events and still dragging yourself to work, still maintaining routine, still providing care for your pups, and all of this whilst also trying to manage long term mental health challenges. Honestly, you're an inspiration - and I know your brain may not believe me, or may immediately jump to reasons why that isn't true... but it's true for me, and I hope you can hang on to that.

I don’t even know how to respond to that @Jynx. You have taken all my words.

I don’t know how many times I have read it. I don’t believe it but I want to.

It’s a really nice thing to say an I appreciate it.

It feels validating. Kind of a relief. My brain is fighting its self saying that I don’t deserve it and should be just going along but the other side really wants to believe it and accept it. I guess that’s a little bit of progress.

Im going back to read it again.

I won’t be around for the next 3 nights but I can respond in the mornings when I get home. Same with you @tyme

I’m really tired. Absolutely exhausted. I don’t know where this is coming from. I just want to be in bed. But I have to wait and drop the dogs off. 11 can’t come soon enough.

I have done a little bit today but I just can’t do anymore. At least my washing is done, dinners are cooked for the next three nightshifts and the kitchen is clean. The rest of the house isn’t though.

Am I finally falling apart? Has it all worn me down? All I want to do is sleep, all the time. I’m not even taking my sleep meds.

Sorry, today is feeling too much and I’m scared of the next three nightshifts with being so tired already. Scared of how I’m going to manage when they make you tired anyway.

@Captain24 sitting with you sweetheart ❤️

I’m about to head to work. I got 4 hours sleep which is pretty good. But I’m still so tired. I feel physically and mentally exhausted. I did forget to put my phone on silent though and I got a call from the hospital. They said what medication I can’t take the morning of my surgery.

Im not sure I can do this but I have too. I don’t have a choice. I’m hoping I’m in a machine that is quiet and I don’t have to do much.

@Captain24 sending you hugs sweetheart ❤️

@Captain24 left you a bit speechless eh? Haha that's always so fine, and I'm glad you're re-reading and trying to let it sink in. Definitely progress, that you are making even a little bit of space for that part of you that wants to believe/accept it. Focus on that feeling of relief, if you can.

Exhaustion has a way of catching up to us - doesn't mean you're falling apart, just means you have been holding it together for a long time.

Hope work has not been too overwhelming for you tonight hun. May you get lots of sleep and rest your weary mind whenever you can 💜

Thinking of you @Captain24 . Hope you are okay.

I'm confident that things will get better. But yes, your psych is probably right in saying that it will get worse before it can get better.

Do you have a safety plan if things go a bit haywire?