The last thing I want to do is be around people @AuntGlow. I can’t talk and make conversation. I just can’t face anything. I have a training day and medical today so that’s a lot of social contact and a lot of talking. I’m scared that I can’t do it.
I don’t think I have ever felt detached from them before. It scares me and breaks my heart. I’m hoping that I will come out of this eventually.
Mt Pdoc wants me in hospital but I said no. My suicide risk is high of if I start to come out. She listened and trusted me. She is calling me in 3 weeks to check in. She has also added another antidepressant to see if that will help. It was a rough one!
I hate that I’m struggling so much to keep my house clean. What should be done quickly is taking so long but I just don’t have it in me and have to push myself so hard and then crash between tasks.
O don’t know that I do deserve compassion but I also dot. Know how to show it to myself. It’s like it’s something else I have to think about with not having the ability to think.
I can’t reframe it, I must have done something wrong to get this far down.
I don’t know what can make me feel safer. We are prepared for the excess blood loss, I have medication for it but it involves hormones as well! I am prepared that th stupid thing may mess even further with my mental state but I don’t really have any control over that. If it gives me hypomania again, I can’t stop it. If it does I’ll end up crashing again and I can’t stop that either. Self-care doesn’t really do much if I’m just crashing. I just have to ride it out. But I’m not sure if mania will happen as I’m so low. It’s scary the unknown and what can go from there. Plus the pain and blood loss.
I think I’m fairly good a recognising the mania but just watching me will help. If my words start to become erratic or what I’m saying is all over the place, just a quick check in. Or if you notice me sounding even worse (which I don’t think I can) just a check in and point it out to me?
