I can’t cope

I’m a little excited @MissGremlin @AlwaysMyself. I just went to the chemist and the mirena plus the antidepressants cost me $15! My other antidepressants are $100!

I actually asked them if it was right! 😂

Ok. I’ll tag you then @AlwaysMyself. I don’t expect responses though. Also as I read some of yours I’ll support so you know I have been around.

I’m glad you find that being around helps you. It’s something that can help regulate then that’s worth it. I find it hard.

It is hard. Bipolar is a tough one. I need antipsychotics to keep the mania at bay but to also limit the manic effects I may get from antidepressants and also the ADHD stimulants. They can cause mania too. Then I need mood stabilisers to help try and keep me regulated. Then I need antidepressants to help with the depression. I also need meds to help with sleep as if I don’t get enough sleep that can cause mania. I’m on 8 different medications a day with varying amount of tablets each! It’s a lot.

I have bipolar II so that means I only go hypomanic . So it’s not as severe as full mania, but when I have a hypomanic episode it crashes straight into a depressive episode. No warning no nothing just a straight massive crash. The mania only lasts, usually, up to a week but the depressive episode that follows can last many months. It’s a roller coaster. At times I have been in the middle ground but then out of the blue a depressive episode can happen. No warning and no need for a trigger! It just happens. Sometimes there is a trigger but there doesn’t always need to be. I do have depression as well so there is a difference in depression and a bipolar depression. It’s hard to describe but you get to know which one is which. Give me depression any day!!! It’s been a few years since an episode has been this deep. But I’ve had many episodes that have lasted months. I couldn’t have stopped it from getting this bad as the mania was for longer. The longer the mania the deeper the depression, mostly.

With the trucks you back under diggers and go to the dumps. With a water cart you don’t do any of that just literally drive around all day. So you get out of practice when you do it a lot. It was all good banter, I didn’t know him at all but he was really awesome over the 2-way. I plan on doing another overtime shift in a couple of weeks so hopefully I get him again.

The longer I’m like this the harder I feel I’ll become. Maybe when I get through it might change like you said. I really hope some of it does. While I consider myself as a bad person in reality I can be kind and compassionate. I would like to keep some of it though to be able to look after myself more and be able to put in boundaries.

I get the giving and not receiving. I’m mostly ok with that but at times I want to be seen and heard and that is hard. Checking in on people and asking how they are to not receive it in return when needed. My best friend is like that but she does openly admit that she doesn’t k ow what to say or how to help. So at least she is honest.

I do have issues with incorrect boundaries but it’s something that I can work on later when in a better headspace. I just love how you are so self-aware. You know what you want, you know what you need and you know how to do it. That shows me so much strength. Yes you have a lot going on but you are so strong in the process.

See, I didn’t see that as a boundary more as a failure. But I just couldn’t stay awake any longer.

That ‘friend’ is nice enough, when I was in hospital last she would come every Sunday and take me out to the beach and stuff. That was really good. I did go down and see her last year for a few hours but it was pouring raining so we could on sit and talk. The day before I spent the whole day with the other friend and we stood for hours at this ‘blow hole’ and watched the water without even talking. Then we went and had lunch and sat on the foreshore. There was markets on. We sat for a while and just chatted, I looked behind me and the markets had packed up and gone and we didn’t even notice.

I am way more honest on here than anywhere else. You guys see the almost real me, unhidden, open and raw. I do hold back sometimes. I do want to be a better person and a small part of me is hoping that if I do come out of this stronger that I have a little more confidence in myself. Even just some would be good.

Oh I write everything down. On my job list for today I have written down the chemist and the dog food place. I also have a note on my phone where I add anything that I need at the grocery store and on the bottom of that I add the other places I need to go so I see it while I’m out! Plus I have alarms for everything! I have so many set with labels to know what each one is!

I learnt that with meds too, the hard way. I was taking my night meds at night and then going to work. That didn’t end well! So now when I wake up I take my morning meds and when I go to sleep I take my night meds!

No appointments sounds so good. A chill week for you.

I go straight from my training/medical day into a psych appointment. The day is suppose to finish at 3:30 and my psych is at 4! Then I need to food prep so I can eat while I’m at work. So there is no down time. Then when I’m working it’s just work and bed pretty much. I’m out of the house for 14 hours. So I’m only home for 10 and that includes eating, showering, getting ready, packing lunch and feeding dog. In there somewhere is some sleep! So I find it a really tough slog but it’s just about going through the motions and the routine.

Hahaha.. no reminders of it being ok to cry! She just lets it happen and if the tears come from nowhere she compassionately asks what is happening right now. Otherwise she just ignores it. When I completely lost it on her she was concerned about me as I don’t let that happen. But I good concern and just told me to let it out and to stop apologising! @AlwaysMyself

She is safe to cry in front of. I don’t feel safe with anyone else though. It’s all just home alone when I can’t hold it in anymore.

Shut down is the reason. It’s not a safe place to come out of and a scary place for them to watch me go through. Limited appointments and work do make it hard but working is a safe place for me. The limited appointments is the hardest. But I can only do what I can do. Work is the problem with that. The way the roster works plus it’s so expensive!!!! At this rate I’ll reach the Medicare levy in no time!

I didn’t know you nearly got excluded. That must have been a little scary with everything you have done to make it happen. At least he listened and trusted you. I can see why that means you can have trust in him too. After today I feel I have a connection to the Pdoc and a level of trust. Until today I didn’t know where I sat with what I thought of her but we hadn’t done anything in-depth until today.

If I promise them something I will stick to it. I tell them all that I’ll try something that they suggest but don’t promise as I don’t know if I can keep it. But of if I promise to stay safe until next appointment I will mean it. That’s what I told her today. That I stick to my word and will be safe until we talk next.

Sorry this is so many responses but it’s the o my way I can manage it. @AlwaysMyself

It is a plan B but I’m also scared of it. But I’ll just have to wait and see what happens. This surgery next week could lead me into needing a hysterectomy so I have to consider that as well. I need time to recover and being in hospital will affect the timing of when I can have it.

A hospital at home sounds great. I need really intensive support right now. Going to hospital was the best thing that I have ever done. It gave me a good insight into what can help and what doesn’t help. The groups were amazing and so helpful. It was also good to just be around people that cared. There wasn’t any one on one but the nurses were all there to help and talk to. I didn’t have to do anything. I was safe and I was in a safe space. If I didn’t have the dogs or work to think about I would have already been!

I wouldn’t pass the asset test for Centrelink. I have a mortgage and a job with a really good income. They wouldn’t help me out previously when I was struggling to afford to rent and pay bills in my low income job. They won’t help me now! 😂

It’s kind of shocking to see that you qualify. It’s an eye opener for sure. Without my asset and level of income I do believe that I would qualify. Bipolar, adhd and ASD all lean towards it without being in my mental state. Of If I didn’t have a job I would look into it. But I also have my super that they may count as an asset.

Sorry @AlwaysMyself. I missed this post.

Im glad you followed your hour boundary though!

My dogs bark and bite! So they definitely aren’t suited to that kind of environment. They don’t get along well with other people. Plus I couldn’t do the hybrid thing as it would be a Sydney hospital and that’s 4+hours away and just not possible. Pix would get carsick going through the mountains, it wouldn’t matter how much car sick tablets she had. It’s a good thought though. Thank you.

I wouldn’t have done it if I didn’t have to go and see people tomorrow. I only do it when I have an appointment or when I’m working. Otherwise it just doesn’t happen! With the whole perimenopause starting I do sometimes smell a bit. It’s not sweating just a body odour. So I need to be careful.

I hope it goes well for you sorting it all out and that your GP supports it and it works out for you.

So… I feel exhausted after this morning’s appointment. Lots of what if’s happening. Lots of what happens if it’s taken out of my control.

I have slowly managed to complete my

lists from the last few days except for weed the garden. I didn’t have the energy and I didn’t want to risk seeing anyone.

It’s been a good distraction to get stuff done but it wasn’t really much. Just house stuff. The list should have taken me 2 hours not all day. I’ve done a lot of sitting and staring at the blank tv screen. Plus a bit of time on here.

I’ve just had some dinner and all I want to do is go to bed. But I can’t. I have to wait for Pix’s dinner time.

I have to go to this training day and leave for a couple of hours in the middle of it. My medical scares me. I’m going to fail the hearing test. And I have to answer that stupid depression/anxiety questionnaire. I will lie the whole way through it. They will want to know all my medications. They will want to know my diagnoses, they have all of this from last time. But no.. I’ll have to do it all again. They are going to want to know my medical history. About my surgery. I have to tell them as work already knows. They look for the slightest little thing to make it hard for you to pass. Anything to make life harder they will find a way.

I don’t want to face tomorrow. I do see my psych in the afternoon so that I guess is a good thing. But what do I tell her? Nothing has changed. I’ll have been around people all day, been questioned indepthly about my life. My health. It’s going to be hard to actually talk to anyone by then.

That is just the start of my week. I’m really starting to stress that I can’t do it. That I won’t make it to the end. It’s all too overwhelming. How am I supposed to pretend that I can function for 6 whole days? I don’t know if I can fake it that long. I have to be nice to people. I’m not sure I have that in me.

Im feeling really stuck at the moment, well should I say still. I’ve turned the tv on but I’m totally not interested. I’m not interested in anything. I can’t even try to find anything interesting. I don’t know what there is. I can’t move. Jett is barking and while it’s driving me crazy and making me annoyed, I don’t even have it in me to tell him to stop.

@Captain24 sitting with you sweetheart and sending you hugs ❤️.

I'm sorry i haven't been able to communicate today, I'm not in a good space myself (I'm safe).

Thanks @MissGremlin I do appreciate it.

It’s ok not to say anything. I don’t expect you too. I actually didn’t think you would even read it. It was a long one.

Please look after yourself. You do what you need to do to stay safe. Please be ok. I care about you

I figured no one was around to read it so I just thought I would get it out.

@Captain24 i did read it and i wish i could say more but i can't at the moment.

I'm doing the best I can over here but things are really just not ok (I'm safe).

I'm doing my bedtime routine now so that I can sit in bed.

That's so okay!! I am glad you took care of yourself. @Captain24 💛

Freeze states can feel utterly awful, so please know I understand this feeling in many ways... something that has been helping me is by putting myself into situations that change my state of being and bring me into connection with myself/others. I wonder what that could look like for you? Please know that I know it can feel near impossible to take action from freeze at times, so I understand if this might be too much to think about right now, so no pressure to answer.

Is it helpful to remember that feeling detached is just right now and that this will shift and change (as it has in the past)? I know you love your babies and want nothing more than to care for them - you're just finding it hard right now and that's okay.

How did your appointment go today?

Yes, you really are great at your household tasks, so I can imagine it would be rather disorienting feeling like it's hard to keep up with them right now.

I know you are feeling like you don't deserve compassion, but know that you do. And I will keep reminding you of this, okay? 🫶

I am wondering if we can reframe this sentence at all: "I have obviously let myself get so bad that I am in freeze"?

I think how you're feeling makes perfect sense - your body went through SO much and the thought of having to go through it again would be so much to hold. Is it possible that your emotional self is experiencing a perfectly valid response to something that feels really scary? Because I would be feeling the exact same.

What might help you to feel safer going into surgery this time? Is there anything we can take from the previous experience to inform how you can approach things this time around?

We're in this with you, okay? 🥰