I can’t cope

@Captain24 I'm glad you were honest though sweet, i know it's not easy. But in order to get the right support it's important to be completely honest about our thoughts/feelings. I'm hoping the anti-depressant helps sweet and of course we are here with you every step of the way ❤️.

Hey @AlwaysMyself

I have to respond to these separately as I only use my phone and I’ll just get lost and confused.

Thanks for thinking of me. I do appreciate honesty. If I have done something wrong I do like to know even if it hurts. Rather than be in limbo. So I now understand if I don’t hear from you it’s not because of something I have said. I know everyone gets busy. I have trouble leaving here. So I completely get that. You also support so many people it would be hard and overwhelming to see everyone. Thank you for clarifying. I will check in but may not respond if that’s ok.

That’s really interesting about the medication. I’ve just been prescribed another anti-depressant. That’ll make 2 of them. I can’t keep up with what I’m on! 😂. My anti-depressants are very limited as I can only take certain ones with bipolar as they can cause mania! I have to be monitored closely with them. I’m not sure if my medication has blunted my feelings or not. I did use to enjoy things but have been struggling of late. I could sit and do Lego for hours and enjoy it. While on all the current meds. So I don’t know but it is something to think back about. Maybe the ADHD ones?

There are times I want to hurt them too. Especially when they are barking!!! Chihuahuas bark a lot and don’t stop! I never thought to tell them that though. Oh and I get that you would never hurt them! Me either, I feel bad enough giving Pix her needle and her yelping. I feel guilty and it emotionally hurts me. But at times I do resent them. But I wouldn’t be without them. They are my protective factor but that’s hard with feeling detached from them. But as the psychiatrist just pointed out, work is a protective factor also.

I jump to the worst scenario all the time. Even in life and always have. At work they chat and joke on the 2 way but I’m not included, does that mean they don’t like me? Probably not but I feel like it. I did overtime the other night on a different crew. I was revering back to the digger and couldn’t see it so I went forward and had another go. I said to the digger operator, ‘I’ve lost you’ his response was ‘I haven’t moved’ and he laughed. It was nice to have some humour that involved me. A also said that I spend most of my time in a water cart, can he see why. He laughed again and said that makes sense! How rude! But I was just so nice to have that interaction.

I will tag you. I feel like tagging is needy though but if that helps you I will tag. Just don’t think I’m being needy or wanting attention. I also don’t expect a response. I’ll just include you. But please don’t think it’s needy.

I feel like this has hardened me up a bit. Less compassionate, less caring, more self-centred than I already was. I feel like if I come out of this that I will be stronger but a harder person. More protective of myself. More boundaries and more self preservation. I’m not like that now. I like to make sure everyone is ok and I put everyone before myself. I already know that I’m not a good person but I think all that will make me worse. That I won’t be able to put up with other people. I feel a bit like it now. I haven’t message a ‘friend’ from hospital as I don’t need to listen to them. They will tell me that they feel exactly the same. But to me, I feel like they have no idea. They have no idea how hard it is to be sitting in this space. They actually may know but I feel like no one in the outside world gets it. I do know that people on here do get it as I can see it and hear it. Knowing that @MissGremlin was sitting on the kitchen floor unable to move… I get that feeling too. They are in a similar situation and understands and I understand them. So here it is accepted and acknowledged. I have another actual friend from hospital and she gets it. She does tell me all about what has been happening for her and it’s a lot but she also listens to me and neither of us compare or compete like the other girl does. Comparing here is different, it shows support, understanding and less alone. I think I have made some sense, if not let me know. Here is completely different to the real world.

Thanks for showing care and saying that. Sometimes I just don’t have it in me to show it back even though I do feel it. I just don’t have the words or the capacity. It does make me feel guilty though.

I have done my housework for today. I still need to go into town but I’m waiting on the Pdoc to send the scripts through. That’s all I have left to do. The chemist, the dog food place and a quick call in to mums. I can rest until then. My Pdoc also talked about my sleep and I said I have been having a lot. So I’m to take my sleep meds when I’m working and to see how I go not taking them when I’m off work. See if that helps with the excess sleeping.

I have another big day tomorrow as I have a training day, medical and psych appointment. So today is the last chance I have for rest until Monday morning when I get off nightshift.

I don’t know. It could be a possibility. At the moment it feels like there is so much going on that I don’t know what is causing what. Are the meds helping, are they not, which ones are, which ones aren’t, is it just the way I am at the moment, is it just the bipolar (it can actually just be that in its own as this does happen), is it the stress and uncertainty with Pix, is it the surgery coming up, is it the financial pressure… there is so much!

I don’t like to cry and especially in front of people @AlwaysMyself. I have properly cried on once and have shed tears a couple of times. If I full on cry that is not ok with me but she would be happy to see it. But she will also know how bad things are if I do. But she will see it as a positive.

My psych is really concerned right now with how shutdown I am. She is really worried about my safety as it will become an issue as I’m coming out of this shutdown. I thought she was overreacting but the psychiatrist just said the same thing.

Those concerns are interesting and I like the way that they actually ‘see’ us and ‘hear’ us. Not just jump to the worst case scenario. They listen as to what we are thinking but how we are thinking it also. They put a lot of trust in us.

I hope my psychiatrist does trust me or I’m going to end up in hospital with no choice! I guess I’ll see in 3 weeks when she rings me.

It wasn’t easy as I expected the h word @MissGremlin. That’s why I was scared about the appointment. She wants to ring my GP and have a chat to him. She asked if that was ok and I said it was fine and that I’m happy for my psych to be involved as well as my team need to be all on the same page to best be able to help. My psych can ring the main number and leave a message for the Pdoc to call her. I have said to all my supports that there is no confidentiality between them.

@Captain24 I am so proud of you being so brave, and honest - even if you feel some regret for it. Although personally I don’t think you said “too much” at all - but I can understanding the feeling of regret when their reaction is not what you wanted.

I know H may not be what you want or see as an option right now. I wonder if there is some half-way between option you can work out with them?

For example, one of the ones in my area also has an intensive day-program - which I don’t know much about, but sounds like its the same intensive treatment as an inpatient stay but you get to spend the nights at your own home.

Another idea could be if they would feel more comfortable if you had a trusted friend/family living with you (or you & your dogs with them) for a short period of time whilst you are going through this?

Although I suspect their concern is probably around the need for time off work and being able to have intensive support to process through this stage - which is more of the day-program possibility.

I personally feel autonomy and choice are really important to me. If I knew a doctor was going to make me involuntary, I’d want to be able to instead “opt to be voluntary” even if I knew the alternative was involuntary. I know its no difference in practice, but to me it would feel very different. But I guess my ideal is to find something that resolved the barrier to not wanting to be admitted. (E.g. income barrier? Centrlelink support. Dog barrier? dogs come too.)

I never see your tags as demanding or needy @Captain24 - rest assured! 🤗

I'm ducking on to read for a bit (I have an alarm set for 1 hour lol) since I have done some life-admin and now deserve/need a mental/emotional-regulation break. (Yes, helping people on the forum or researching MH is regulating for me lol. Which is why I spend so many hours doing it when I can.)

And a simple “support button” without comment is always OK. 😊 Many people do that. It can be hard when not having the physical or emotional energy, or when not knowing what to say!

I do hope the new meds form today help. 🙂. I have heard others say that bipolar makes it much harder/restricted to select medications 😓 that must be very frustrating when they can risk triggering the mania. I didn’t remember that you had bipolar (as opposed to unipolar depression), that must be extra-hard. At least for me I “get used to” being depressed because I don’t have any other contrast for it so it became “normal” and thus easier to learn to cope with for me I think?

I love the banter between you and your coworker about “I’ve lost you”, “I haven’t moved”. 😅 It made me smile.

I don’t understand the joke about the water cart though, I assume that’s just because I don’t know what “traits” are associated with doing the different vehicles lol. But if you felt at all hurt by the joke, I do think it’s also OK to gently tell them that whilst you know it was meant as a good-humour joke, that to you it felt a bit hurtful and maybe to stick to the jokes that aren’t commenting on a perceived-negative personal trait?

"I feel like this has hardened me up a bit. Less compassionate, less caring, more self-centred than I already was. I feel like if I come out of this that I will be stronger but a harder person. More protective of myself. More boundaries and more self preservation."

I love this reflection 😍. And I see a lot of myself in it too.

When I am burnt-out I am also less-compassionate, less-caring (and more apathetic) — and I don’t like feeling that way either. But the good thing is, that once I am less stressed & fatigued - then my jaded feelings decrease and I return slowly back to my normal compassionate & caring self. 🤗. usually these feelings within me are a sign that I feel like I don't have the support I need, and so I feel upset about "giving but never receiving help". During these times I still can feel compassion and care for those who actively support me, but not for others who don’t. I use it as an internal “orange light” of impending breakdown lol.

I really love how you can see that the current struggles can make you a stronger and more resilient person. I see boundaries as really positive and healthy - but of course misplaced boundaries can also be the opposite, so it’s really important to figure out what are adaptive (positive) and maladaptive (negative) boundaries. And boundaries can differ based on person! I set great boundaries with most people in my life, but there is one person in my life that I am really struggling with boundaries & emotions with — and that’s the topic for my next session with my counsellor actually. Last week I explained what’s been going on & my concerns, and this week we’re going to figure out what boundaries I need to put in place and how to do that 😊.

"I like to make sure everyone is ok and I put everyone before myself."

Fantastic example!

I like to make sure everyone is OK — but I have had to learn (not always easy or comfortable) that at times I need to put myself first. That’s why I was so proud of you going to bed last night even though you felt you were letting us down. That was a really good boundary you implemented to put yourself first when you needed to. 😍

"I already know that I’m not a good person but I think all that will make me worse."

Well… you might think you’re not a good person, but I don’t think it’s true. What I’ve seen/heard of you here (and I’m guessing you’re probably more honest here than most places?) is that you are actually a really lovely person who has a shit-tonne of struggles going on currently and is struggling to be who you want to be because of it. That’s my perspective from what I see at least - but please do correct me if I’ve gotten that wrong. 😊

"I haven’t message a ‘friend’ from hospital as I don’t need to listen to them. They will tell me that they feel exactly the same. But to me, I feel like they have no idea."

This sounds like a healthy boundary you have started to put in place to me - but perhaps there is some tweaking to the boundary that you would like to make to make it even more suitable?

e.g. clearer boundaries with them about what topics you do/don’t want to talk about? (yes to social things, no to our own MH struggles). Maybe this could avoid the situation where you feel they just don’t get it despite the fact they think they do - but if you feel you like them socially you wouldn’t also have to sacrifice that side of the friendship too? I mean, it always takes 2 people to agree to a friendship - but I’m of the “I can only ask” perspective when it comes to setting boundaries. 😊. If someone isn’t OK with clear/direct boundaries being clarified, then I tend not to “click” with them deeply because I need to be able to understand, assert & respect boundaries.

(PS if you want an additional safe place to chat about your feelings with people who might “get it” - have I mentioned Alt2Su to you in the past? I click with some groups/people but not others, can be a bit of trial & error.)

"Comparing here is different, it shows support, understanding and less alone."

Yes you make A LOT of sense. 😍. And I am glad you have that friend who does understand/relate without “one upmanship” comparisons.

"I have done my housework for today."

🎉🤗 Well done!

Oh, I need to make a trip to the groceries this week for dog loaf. Ta for the reminder! I had better make that an “appointment” in my calendar for whilst I am out later in the week or I am going to forget again 😂. Yes “Buy dog loaf on way home from xxx” is eligible for being put into my calendar as a standalone event. This is me coping lol.

Sleep patterns are tough eh. I hear you. Glad you and your pdoc discussed it. 🙂 I hope the change in the meds pattern when not working helps. 🙂 I know some bipolar and/or schizophrenia meds are also used in low-dosage for helping people with insomnia so it makes sense it could be involved too. When I used to use a schizophrenia medication off-label at time (pdoc prescribed!) I learned the hard way I had to take it at night 1-2 hours before bed (helped with insomnia) else I would be falling asleep at work 2-3 hours after taking it 😄 — oops!

Today is my one day this week where I don’t have any appointments 😄 - hence I knew I could take a break to come onto the forum for a bit. I hope tomorrow & the busy week ahead goes OK for you and not too exhausting or overwhelming. Do you have a plan for how to help you take it carefully between and after appointments if needed?

I did the right thing but I am scared that they are all going to gang up on me and make me go @AlwaysMyself

Maybe this new anti-depressant may work. Who knows. It’s worth a try and see what happens.

There is no half/ half. The closest hospital is 2 hours away so I can’t do day program and it can’t be done via Telehealth as private insurance doesn’t cover it so they don’t do it. Day program isn’t as intense, my old hospital use to do it and depending on the program it was one day a week for 8 weeks. But that’s 4 hours away and closed now anyway.

She did ask if I had anyone that could stay with me but I don’t. If my actual friend from hospital wasn’t so busy she might have been able to stay for a few days but she has grandkids and her own appointments and therapy classes. I just have to do it safely on my own and continue to be in contact with my team.

Im hoping if she gives me no choice I can go to a private hospital for their 3 week program. It’s seems most are 3 weeks. I’m not going public. There is a big difference on choosing and being forced. So I’ll just have to wait it out.

I need the money to be able to cover my mortgage and bills, I have no leave to be able to take from work. Centrelink wouldn’t even look at me. The dogs couldn’t come as they aren’t therapy dogs. But I just don’t have anyone I can trust and mum wouldn’t do it for 3 weeks. She doesn’t get it and just says she is too old to look after them. Which she is. But she is in her 70’s and is stuck with that whole mental health stigma. If I told her how bad it was she would just say that my life couldn’t be that bad, hers is worse and that my dogs come first.

So no support from family!

I have had a win though. I just showered for the first time since Friday morning and washed my hair for the first time in 2 weeks. Now I have to dry it and I thought about straightening to have the choice to wear it out tomorrow.

I’ve been pretty self-centred sorry.

How are things with you?

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@Captain24 wrote:

If I full on cry that is not ok with me but she would be happy to see it. But she will also know how bad things are if I do. But she will see it as a positive.

Am I allowed to remind you of this again in the future? 😍🤗 That she is OK with it and sees it as positive, even if you feel uncomfortable with crying yourself?

I know it doesn’t make it easier though. My experience, only having cried and really broken down in front of someone and having them not overreact or under-react is what helps me feel a little more OK/safe to show emotion again in the future. Then the more that I allow myself to do this (where appropriate - eg with my counsellor, or sometimes with my MH GP) then slowly it becomes less hard to “be natural” with my emotion with them, and not have to struggle to “keep it together” on the times where things are just too much.

Of course I can’t know - but I have an innate-feeling that this “shutdown” is the reason the pdoc has suggested H and the need to “process through” - because you’re not currently able to do that with the current environment (work, limited number of appointments, etc). It would make sense to me, experientially.

"Not just jump to the worst case scenario. They listen as to what we are thinking but how we are thinking it also. They put a lot of trust in us."

100%. I doubt you’ve read about how I nearly got excluded from my (now enrolled!) clinical trial… it came down to the pdoc understanding how I think and trusting my honesty & openness with him around the risks. I have a lot of respect for him from this, and gives me a strong feeling of being able to trust him too.

I hope yours is also just as understanding - I do strongly encourage you to explain to them what YOU see as protective factors in your thinking style also 🤗. For me, it’s “keeping a promise” and “putting others first” — it’s kept me alive for 25 years because of my commitment to it. So if I walk out the door and promise my counsellor/pdoc that i will see them next week and not act on anything then they know I am safe for that week 😅. (And if they feel the need to ask me if I can make that promise, they can.)

"Im hoping if she gives me no choice I can go to a private hospital for their 3 week program. It’s seems most are 3 weeks. I’m not going public. There is a big difference on choosing and being forced. So I’ll just have to wait it out. "

This sounds like a great Plan B, if they can’t risk Plan A of staying at home.

Man, I wish there was “Mental Health Hospital in the Home” ! Where they would then be covered by private health (or bulk-billed) for intensive psychotherapy/etc that comes to your house. But I guess Medicare (not as an inpatient) doesn’t cover 5 hour psych sessions 😖.

I’ve never been to a MH hospital (despite it being strongly recommended multiple times) because I don’t think group therapies would me (because of my existing skills due to 10 years of intensive therapy early on, I don’t need “basic skills” education/practice) — what I need in those phases is intensive 1:1 psychotherapy to discuss and process the thoughts/feelings and find a way forward.

"Centrelink wouldn’t even look at me."

Please don’t feel you have to explain further/details at all. But I would encourage you to discuss this with you pdoc within the context of a temporary inability during hospitalisation since you have no paid sick leave. Centrelink actually do have coverage for this, but there is an asset test - however given then temporary nature of it I would hope even if you are slightly over the assets test if those assets are not-cash and not producing any income support then maybe they can approve it under financial hardship. 😊

I've been reading through the Impairment Rating Scale that Centrelink uses for their DSP, and I’m horrified with how high I “meet criteria” on it. I don’t personally consider myself that severe, because I ‘control my behaviours’ - but when I read the scale with regard to the emotional impacts of these behaviours and my thought patterns (i.e. active SI and SH urges) well… I wonder if you may be the same currently …?

My 1hr alarm has gone off, so I have to head off - BUT, dogs don’t have to be a therapy/support dog to be allowed into a hospital for mental health support reasons. 😘. It does depend on the hospital though, but I really really strongly recommend expressing to the pdoc that it would be a BIG impact for you if you could take the dogs with you (if the dogs would also be able to cope with being there?) and that they could write a letter of support recommending and requesting the dogs to be permitted to stay with you (or some degree of them staying that could be worked out with your mum dropping them off and picking them up to take them to dog-sitter as needed maybe?? Some hybrid between a dog-sitter and in-hospital allowances?)

I never knew this was an option until I worked in a hospital and read the internal policy advice document. 😜

Well done on the showering and washing hair! 😁

(If it makes you feel any better… Friday is also my shower-day lol, so you’re ahead of me on the “recently showered” stakes now! haha)

You haven’t been self-centred at all. 🙂

I’m going to head back to my DSP application preparation now 🤕. MH GP appointment tomorrow that I want to give her all my “collated evidence” to support her in my application she has to document as my treating doctor.