I can’t cope

@Captain24 no sweetheart, you have nothing to apologise for. Your feelings are completely valid and I'm glad you share them cos you deserve to be heard. We are all going through things here and noones problems are any less important than others.

Love and hugs sweet, you're not alone ❤️

I think I might just go to bed. I have to get up early again in the morning and the crew I’m working with tomorrow isn’t my crew and I’m really really anxious about it. Plus I’m anxious about see the HR team as they want to know what is going on but one girl was told by our boss if she went to HR about the same person he would stand her down. Which is not fair as she is not in the wrong. I need my job so I can’t say anything.

@Captain24 i hope you can get a good night's rest sweet. Can understand why you are anxious both about working with a different crew and also about seeing the HR team, I'm hoping it all goes ok for you sweet. That sounds really hard with what she's been told and I don't think that's very fair of them to say that to her.

I slept okish. I woke up a few times. I’m up and ready early today. I went about the motions and for some reason it was quicker. I must have forgotten something.

My anxiety is sky high. I’m not sure if I should be doing this. It’s better for me if I do though. I at least have some support from HR even though I can’t tell them what’s going on.

I guess one bonus is that I feel safe even though my thoughts are really dark. I know I am safe as I’m too low not to be but I haven’t really felt safe.

The crew I’m working with are reasonably nice and it gives me a chance to see what they are really like before I do overtime with them Friday night.

Hey @tyme

I did dayshift today instead of nightshift so I’m around tonight if you are.

I had time to think today. I had a quick chat with HR but I told them that I couldn’t say much as I need my job and I can’t take the pressure that my boss will dish out if I say anything to them.

They wanted to know but said that if I told them who was threatening us with going to HR that they would have to speak to them. If they do my boss will know it was me as I was with them today. So it’s a big mess.

My severely depressed brain has decided that the issues with my co-worker are my fault. It’s me that gets offended with her sexual explicit conversations. So that’s my fault for being offended. It’s my fault that I’m scared to go to work incase I have to work on her dump. I should be better at my job and not a failure.

I did learn today the way to confront her gently. So I think I may try. I’m just scared of the retaliation. She can be really nasty when questioned.

I’ve been thinking about my conversation with HR. I’m wondering do I email her with what has been going through my head. Do I email her as to why I don’t like going to work. I didnt explain it to her just that it was hard for me to go to work. I do better when I have time to

think about stuff. Plus write it instead of talking. I don’t know what to do.

My thoughts are really loud and dark. I have voices telling me what I need to do. But my freeze shut down state means I won’t. But the thoughts are there. I am safe incase that needs to be said.

I have made and cooked a frittata, done a load of washing and cleaned the house and floors.

I feel really achy, I have a headache and feel like I’m getting a cold. I read on a bipolar page on Facebook that depression can cause flu like symptoms. It was interesting as I have had this feeling coming and going for months now but never actually got sick.

Something else depression ruins, my health.

I’ve finally gotten into bed. I’m still really angry. So that’s going to make it hard to sleep. I guess at least I’m feeling an emotion though. It’s a shame that it was here that caused it.

So many thoughts running around in my head. Some pretty dark ones. If I’m actually feeling an emotion does that mean I’m heading towards the danger zone? Or is it just the fight response kicking in?

It’s ok. I’m just writing this to try and get it out of my head to sleep.

I don’t expect any responses as as we have discussed no one is around anyway and we don’t matter. Well I don’t anyway. I’m ok with that though as I wouldn’t want to waste anyone’s time. Everyone would be better off if I was just gone. The only ones that would notice is my parents and that’s just because they would have to have the dogs. Yes I’m safe just wishing and hoping.

hugs @Captain24 you matter to me my awesome friend