I can’t cope

@Captain24 I'm really glad that you boiled some eggs to eat and even doing some of your puzzle, well done sweet.

The mowing can wait until later and it will give the grass a chance to dry out a bit aswell.

Having a bath later is also a good thing for self care and hoping it helps with your pain

My counsellor is going to ring shortly so I'll reply to your post on my thread a bit later.

Drier grass will make it easier to mow. It’s pretty long. Ive already filled the green bin now I’ll fill the normal bin! @MissGremlin

I hope all goes well with your counsellor. I’m just sitting here waiting for my GP. I’m the only one in his area so hopefully that means he will be quick but I don’t think he is actually here yet!

My doctors appointment went well. He has put me on a care plan which gives me 5 appointments with my psych. I’m assuming that’s a Medicare rebate. So that will be good. Plus he has emailed my Pdoc with an update as to what has been going on. Plus he has ordered more blood tests checking hormones and metabolic rates. Apparently I have fatty liver and insulin resistance. That’s a bit scary right now with everything that is going on with Pix.

My dietitian was really understanding. She asked about Pix and asked about my MH and where everything is at. She explained to me about fatty liver and insulin resistance. The difference between that and what has happened with Pix. I did tell her about my eating habits and she understands that I just can’t physically do it. The good thing is that while I’m at work I eat properly so that is a start and I am getting some healthy nutrition. She isn’t really concerned with the ED as it’s different voices in my head. It’s not the ED that is causing this it’s my mental state.

All in all it’s been a really big morning full of being open and vulnerable. Also at the doctors one of my aunties sat next to me as she had an appointment with the same GP straight after me. Then as I was leaving I saw one of my cousin and his mum. So I had to talk to them as well.

I’ve had to people all morning and I’m exhausted. I still haven’t fed the dogs lunch yet. I still have a lot to do this afternoon so I need to try and push through.

I don’t think I can do today anymore. I feel done. I feel spent. I feel exhausted. But I also feel really numb. No emotion just physically and mentally exhausted. I’m ashamed at my disgusting house but at the same time I just don’t care.

@Captain24 i don't really have the words to reply right now as I'm a complete mess (I'm safe).

But i just wanted to send you love and hugs, know that you're not alone sweetheart ❤️.

I hope you are getting through ok @MissGremlin. I don’t expect you to have the words or to respond but I do appreciate you reading. I’m not big on tagging unless it’s part of a conversation so please don’t feel obligated if you don’t want to. The others have given up on me so it’s ok if you do too. I’m not worth it.

@Captain24 oh sweetheart, I'd never give up on you. I may not always have the words but I'll always do my best to at least let you know that I care and send my love and hugs ❤️.

I'm really struggling my appointment was hard but I mostly held myself together during it, but after I lost it, I broke down and couldn't stop crying. I have a migraine again so it's going to be a long night (I'm safe). Just about to take more pain relief and hopefully be ok for the concert tonight.

I hope you have an easy night sweet, be gentle with your wonderful self ❤️

I do that after my appointments sometimes as well @MissGremlin. It’s like it all gets way too much and saying it all out loud makes it real.

I really hope the pain relief works for you so you can enjoy the concert, it’s not something you can go to all them time. I really hope it’s the best distraction ever for you.

So other than my appointments, I’ve done nothing. I spent this afternoon in bed. I haven’t even finished making my lawn and I still have to do mum and dads. I want to others tomorrow as it’s hopefully supposed to be raining on Saturday.

I feel guilty and stupid. I’m disgusted at myself and the state of my house but I’m not doing anything to help myself or with it. Instead I’m just wallowing and beating myself up. I’m just useless and don’t deserve to be any sort of person. I’m a horrible excuse of a human.

Im a failure.

Hi @Captain24

I am sorry to hear that today has been really heavy for you. It's understandable that these tasks feel overwhelming given you are struggling mentally. The way you are speaking about yourself is harsh, and I say this not to shame you in any way, but to let you know that you deserve a lot more compassion and kindness. What would you say to a friend, including a fellow member? You deserve the same grace and kindness you would give to others.

I want you to know that not having motivation or energy doesn't make you a failure or warrant guilt in any way - we all have these fluctuations, it's okay to struggle and I am sending you care and compassion. You are so valued💓

~ @Honeymoon

What I would say to someone else is totally different but I expect more from myself. @Honeymoon Its been heavy for weeks so I just need to get over myself and accept that this is going to take a while to lift. Accept that I just have to get on with life and do things. Stuff has to be done and I’m the only one that can do it. My mental state and this whole shit-down, freeze situation is just going to stay for a while. I just have to push through it. Make myself get stuff done. My GP said today that I have to do stuff everyday anyway.

Im sitting here almost crying as I have guilted and shamed myself into mowing my lawn. What should have taken me just under an hour to do is taking a lot longer. I should be finished but I’m only halfway through what was left. I’m disgusted in myself that it’s just so hard to do. It’s embarrassing. It’s shameful. I really have nothing in me to give, no spoons at all but that’s not a good enough excuse. It has to be done.

Im sorry but it does feel like failure. I should just be able to get on with things.