I can’t cope

I’ve managed to fit a lot in this afternoon. I went back to bed and got up at 4. I had a shower and washed my towels. Took Pix to the vet and she is doing really well and has to go in for another test in 3 weeks. It’s a whole day I think. So that’s good news, the bad news is that the diabetes is permanent.

I also managed to whipper snipper the front and backyards and mowed the front plus half the back. I ran out of daylight. Plus have another shower. Plus wash and iron my work clothes.

I really have no idea how I did it all. I’m exhausted and I feel sick. I think I pushed too hard. I also haven’t eaten all day but I’m not hungry at all. I need to eat to take my meds though. Maybe I just don’t take the one that makes me sick.

Do I feel good for getting all that done? No I don’t. Am I proud? No I’m not. It’s just worn me down more. I used spoons that I didn’t have an I feel ‘in debt’

It just feels so hard. I don’t want to hear that I’ve done a good job, I don’t want to hear that I should be proud. It’ll just fall on deaf ears. I have no care. No nothing.

Im ashamed of myself and I don’t know why. I shouldn’t be. But I am. I guess it’s the fact that so many people are struggling and as someone judged on here, I have it easy. Doesn’t make my MH any better though. Doesn’t make me less shut down, doesn’t make me less detached.

Just trying to get some things out of my head. I don’t have words for the other stuff. I’m lucky to have had words for this.

Hey @Captain24 ,

Sounds like a BIG day! Can't believe you got so much done.

I'm so sorry to hear that Pix's diabetes is permanent. That's a bummer. Hold old is Pix now?

Are you getting ready for bed?

I'm going to catch up on previous posts shortly.

@Captain24 you've done well to get so many things done sweet but i can understand those feelings of not feeling proud or like you've accomplished anything. Just a gentle reminder though that we often judge ourselves pretty unfairly cos from where I'm sitting i think you've done amazing.

I'm glad Pix is going well, it's a shame about the diabetes but she's in the best hands with you ❤️.

Are you able to have something little to eat sweetheart, our bodies need fuel especially when we've done alot of things.

I hear all your feelings sweet and they are all valid. But your struggles are no less than anyone else's here, they are all big things and they are things that have had such a massive impact on your life.

Sending you love and hugs beautiful, try to be gentle with yourself. In times like this is when we need to show ourselves as much kindness and compassion as we can ❤️.

Hey @tyme

I got home at 8 this morning and went to bed around 9:30. I actually got some sleep until lunchtime. It’s the first time in weeks that I’ve been able to sleep coming off nightshift. Was a rough night though.

It has been a big day.

Pix is 7 in July. It sucks. I wanted a better life for her and I feel like I have let her down and let her down badly. I’m a really bad mum.

I should go to bed but I’m just not sleep tired. I’m also pretty overwhelmed with tomorrow as well. I have a GP appointment for a MHCP and I’m scared it’s going to be an in-depth appointment. Then I have the dietitian and I’m stressing really badly that I’m going to be late as my GP never runs in time and I still have to pay for the dietitian anyway. I don’t have any money so I can’t waste it on nothing. I don’t like being late and I don’t like letting people down and I don’t like being rushed. It’s stressing me a lot. Then I have to make myself mow the rest of the backyard so I can do mum and dads on Friday. How am I going to get everything done? How am I even capable of doing it? Where can I get the strength from? I just want to go to sleep and stay asleep.

I feel like I judge myself honestly. @MissGremlin. Thanks though.

Im a bad mum for letting it happen. I feel so guilty. It has changed her life forever.

I just had an icy pole, part of my safety plan. I’m just not going to take the meds that make

me sick. It was an electrolyte icy pole though.

I feel like I don’t deserve kindness or anything.

Sorry I’m just a bad person to be around right now and you don’t need or deserve it. Please look after yourself first. I’m hoping you are in bed and resting.

@Captain24 i hear you sweet. I know i do the same to myself and even when others try to remind me otherwise I can't accept it, so I understand.

You're not a bad mum, these things happen sometimes but it's certainly not your fault. Yes it's changed her life but it's manageable and you are doing everything right to take care of her.

I'm glad you had an icy pole and I hope it's helped you.

You most definitely deserve kindness and you're not a bad person to be around, not now, not ever. I'm sitting in my bed doing diamond art.

At least you had some sleep @Captain24 That's so important.

I honestly don't know how you work shifts and also battle MH. It's pretty remarkable that you are still standing!

As for Pix, it feels like she's been 6 for a long time! Is giving her needles any easier now? Poor thing. So she need 2 a day?

@Captain24 ,

I'm reading back on the spoon theory, the fork theory... need a whole cutlery draw!

I also read about how you feel detatched... I wonder if this is a coping mechanism? I look forward to hearing what the psych says about it.

As for Pix's insulin, is it very costly?

I need to work so I just have to do it @tyme.

Im even booking in for an overtime shift at the end of next block. Pix is costing a lot.

Yeah she has 2 needles a day and is getting a little better with them. I’m not sure I got it in tonight but I guess I’ll get better at it too. I’m not sure how much the insulin is as it was just on the bill with the rest of the stuff form her hospital stay. I know the needles are $40 a box for 30 and she uses 2 a day!

I’ll be interested to see what she says but I don’t see her for 2 weeks yet. I don’t know what it is. Maybe it is a protection,

I don’t know. Protecting me from what? Is it worse in there than I thought?

Hows things with you?

Thanks @MissGremlin

Whats this diamond art if? Dont you lose the dots? I do and I sit at the dining room table