I can’t cope

@Captain24 totally feel you haha my psych is someone I'd met in a course, we really clicked so when I asked if she'd be my psych and she seemed keen, I knew it was gonna be a really good therapeutic relationship. Having that sense of trust and safety goes a long way!!

Yeah I get you, like the fear is different this time - not of the unknown, but of a repeat of last time. No less scary, but maybe easier to prepare for?

So fair!! I mean I always loved dragons as a kid (and still do!) but the only dragons in my house nowadays are plushies!!

That makes sense hun, it's not a fun place to be but it's a self-protective one. Which is fair enough considering everything you've been going through. Sometimes the emotions won't hit till later - which unfortunately can mean the good ones too. Keep putting one foot in front of the other, you'll eventually be out of the woods 💜

My new word for how I’m feeling is detached. @MissGremlin. I feel detached from a lot of things. Im also really tired and drained and not feeling great at all.

How are things for you?

@Captain24 ahhh yes I know that feeling all too well. I'm sorry you aren't feeling great at all, I'm here for you sweet ❤️.

Well I've just remembered that I've got a dentist appointment on Friday so I've sent myself into a massive panic attack to the point where I feel like I'm going to pass out (I'm safe). Trying to remind myself to breathe and I have Casper next to me. @Jynx

So you ‘get’ the way things are with my psych. @Jynx

Thats a better way of putting it. It’s scary but easier to prepared and know what to expect. Maybe this time it’ll be different! Who knows. It can’t get much worse.

Im trying to but I feel stuck and have lost hope. I’m just going about the motions of getting through life. That is hard in itself. I have a kitchen that is disgusting and badly needs cleaning. Dishes everywhere. It’s horrible and I don’t like it but all my energy/spoons have gone into getting to work and looking after Pix. I’ve got nothing left. My body is tired and aching. My mind is exhausted. I’m past being able to think clearly. It’s took me so much to get the dogs food ready, feed them and do the needle. It was a strenuous effort. I love them and it shouldn’t be that hard. I also get that when Pix was in hospital sick I was devastated the first day and then became detached and I think I was detached from Jett through it all too. That word has me seeing a lot of things differently. But the biggest is that it’s been there, from what I can see, but this whole thing with Pix pushed it to the forefront. Does that make sense?

Anyway. How are you going? I read you are coming up here for a few days. That will be nice for you, especially the beach! Does that mean we miss seeing you this week?

It’s ok @MissGremlin. I’ve got Pix being an idiot! Maybe that will help. She is out of control. Like a kid on a sugar high!

Are you scared of the dentist? I haven’t been to one for about 15 years! Remember to take big deep slow breaths. Picture a hot air balloon. Breathe in as it’s rising, hold your breath while it’s floating, breathe out as it’s coming down and hold your breath while it’s floating again. Watch the balloon a few times. What colour will it be? Any pictures on it?

@Captain24 haha crazy Pix 😂.

I'm not really scared of the dentist as such. It's the fear of not being able to swallow that i struggle with so having to keep my mouth open for a long period of time i start panicking. Thankyou sweet, I'll try that visual ❤️.

@MissGremlin I'm glad you're safe hun, but if you think you might pass out it might be the time to reach out to get some acute support? Sounds super difficult and I don't want you to have to go through it alone hun. We are here for you as best we can be too 💜

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@Captain24 wrote:

It was a strenuous effort. I love them and it shouldn’t be that hard.

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@Captain24 oh hun - there's nothing easy about what you're going through. I hope you're not being too hard on yourself about struggling with the basics - everything is like 10x harder when you're in shut down. Looking after ourselves in this state is one thing, but providing medical care to dogs that are dependent on you is HUGE. You are doing amazingly, and it shows how much compassion and care you truly have for them that you continue to prioritise their needs.

Yeah I will be off next week! I will miss you all heaps!! I'll be thinking of you both when I'm on the beach, for sure 💜

@Jynx it's ok, it's a very regular experience and feeling for me (my doctor is aware of it). My body goes into a full on panic state which triggers that feeling. This is why I'm struggling so much at the moment with the panic attacks cos its exhausting being on that edge almost constantly.

So it is hard? I’m not blowing it out of proportion? My negative mindset makes me question everything. @Jynx

I look at my house and I hate myself for it. I’ve got those woollies bricks to go through and see if the 2 I’m missing are in there. But they are just scattered everywhere and it should be something I want to do. Of If I do them that’ll tidy up a bit of mess. I have been doing a lot around the house. The place looks terrible and you know how much I focus on it. My lawn is getting over grown. I need to mow it. But that’s a lot of effort. I have to do it though so it’s better for the dogs and I don’t get snakes. So yeah, I'm beating myself up a lot. Why can I get up at 4:30 and fight myself but get to work and I can’t put a dish in the dishwasher?

I have to do it for them as they can’t do it themselves. They are my life though. Everything I do is for them. I’m even planning on doing some overtime shifts so I can get extra money so I have it there for Pix’s medical bills. The money situation is getting really hard.

Im going to miss you! But you need a break and the best place to do that is at the beach! Please do think of me. I think of you, I think how much you love nature and how good it would be to walk down the beach with the waves splashing around our feet just watching it all together!

If the balloon works for you try that at the dentist. I find it calming. Picturing it and watching it. I can only do it from memory of watching a balloon as I don’t actually see pictures. The breathing is a bonus. It’s something I learnt in hospital from one of the facilitators, instead of the pressure of trying to remember numbers and stuff. That facilitator is now my psych! She has such awesome ideas! @MissGremlin