I can’t cope

@Captain24 she's just Pix ☺️

I don't see a point in going to bed and sitting there or laying there when I can't sleep. Something did happen last night but I can't talk about it on here (I'm safe). I'm scared about whats happening to me, I've tried so hard to get help but I can't seem to get it. I've been sitting on my lounge sorting out the diamond art gems for the ones I have to do.

Sorry @Jynx. I forgot to reply. I didn’t have time before work and have only just remembered now. I’m really sorry.

I haven’t read it yet. My psych did say freeze state to me. I just need to get through it and out of it. I’ll try and read it now.

I don’t see my psych for 3 weeks and that’s a really long time right now. A stressful amount of time. I should write down notes for her so I’m ready.

I am terrified of this surgery. So much went wrong last time, so much pain, so much blood loss but the biggest thing is what the hormones did to my MH. There is something much that could happen. So much to go wrong again. Maybe this time will be better? Maybe the results will come back better? The bad results last time have me concerned for this time. It’s a lot to deal with.

It was a huge effort to shower. I’m trying to talk myself into getting in again. I have to though as I have work again tomorrow. I woke up during the night needing to go to the bathroom and I was still holding my plushie!

You can’t say in here because of guidelines or you don’t want to say? It sounds really scary. @MissGremlin

I do understand the feeling of ‘there is no point’ in going to bed. I wish it wasn’t like that for you constantly. I’m hoping sorting out the dots is therapeutic?

@Captain24 guidelines. Without going into details it was something that happened with a hallucination that was too real. (I'm safe in case it needs to be said).

It was putting the gems into zip lock bags so they are easy to use. I've finished now though. Not sure which one i want to work on.

@Captain24 that's okay hun, you know that I have done the same to you at times haha - the brain fog is real!!

I think writing stuff down for your psych is a really good idea - especially because of aforementioned brain fog. I think sometimes when in this kind of state, it means we can easily freeze/shut down in the moment - i.e. if your psych were to ask how things have been, your brain might go completely blank!!
You could always show her some of your forums posts too - it might be a way for her to see how you are feeling day-to-day. Only if you felt comfortable with that! If you don't want her knowing your forums username, you could copy-paste some posts into a word doc or something. Food for thought.

Yeah it's absolutely understandable to feel a lot of hesitation, trepidation, dread, all those really difficult emotions - even if it's going into something that is supposed to help you! Have you spoken to your GP or the surgeon or anyone about your concerns?

You can do it!! I believe in you!! And if a shower feels too hard, just washing your face can still help you feel a little fresher.

Aww that is actually adorable! What kind of plushie? Have a name? 😍

I thought it was related to that @MissGremlin. I’ve never had hallucinations but I have had moments of paranoia and that is really scary. So I can’t begin to imagine how scary hallucinations are. That sounds really scary though. I can see why you don’t want to go to bed.

What are the options? The ones I took to hospital I did the same thing instead of opened little packets. I only took little ones as I was t taking my good ones.

@Captain24 yes that's also very scary. It's just been so hard lately and I really need things to settle down.

There's 3 different mini sun catcher ones, then one normal one being a butterfly. I don't have any big ones to do at the moment and not sure if I really have the funds to order one either but the big ones help to keep me distracted.

I like the sun catcher ones. I did those in hospital @MissGremlin. They are quick and simple but a really pretty result. The big ones are expensive. The one I have set up at the moment is a photo that I had them do up.

That sounds so hard @MissGremlin I'm sending you lots of 💜 hun. I hope that you're able to reach out to supports/crisis services in the moment if you need, even if it's just to help you tether back to reality. Hugs, wish I had more I could say to alleviate this pain and fear for you 🥺

@Captain24 yes the sun catcher one's don't take long and less focus but look good. Oohh a photo one sounds awesome.