I can’t cope

@Captain24 was everything in date that you used?

I know it adds to your day sweet and I'm sorry that this has happened.

Can we try to find some glimmers that happened today?

For me I brought a scratchie ticket and won twice on it, it was only $8 but it felt nice to just have a little win.

I also got that bit of rest on my lounge today which has helped with recovering from the seizure.

What do you do when it all just gets too much? When you can’t think? When you can talk? I’m struggling to even be verbal with my babies. They are just laying here with me. It’s almost time to feed them and give Pix her needles. The needle is so much stress for both of us. I need to be happy and excited when she has it. I don’t have it in me to be happy and excited. I have nothing in me. I’m just nothing.

Im scared. Im scared of what is happening. I’m scared that I’m not in control. I’m terrified about going back to work tomorrow. The thought of getting up at 4:30 is overwhelming. The dealing with being at work is overwhelming. The fear of my back being so sore that I can barely walk has me on edge.

@Captain24 shut down is soooo hard hun, and I know it can be hard to hang on to - but it is the wisdom of your nervous system protecting you from feelings that are too overwhelming right now. It doesn't make it less scary, but I hope it is something you can remind yourself of - especially in terms of the fact that you are not nothing, you're just in a mental state that is blocking you from yourself. Maybe it's so you can keep functioning, because you know how much Pix needs you.

I wonder if it's worth flagging with one or more of your supports how worried you are about the way things are feeling? Especially if you're concerned about work and stuff. Do you have any upcoming appts with your GP? They might be able to help with pain management too.

I'm sorry it's all so hard. I'm sending you some soothing vibes and squishy hugs 💜

(づᴗ _ᴗ)づ♡

Is that what this is? Shutdown? @Jynx Scared, feeling nothing, being nothing, just nothing.

Im not coping at all. I managed to sort Pix out tonight but im kinda relieved that I only have to do one injection for the next 5 days as mum has the others.

I see my GP on Thursday so after I have been at work for 5 days. He gave me pain relief for my back on Monday but I could only take it for three days and have a break before I can go back in it for another three days. He did send me for at CT scan.

My psych knows I’m struggling but I don’t think she knows how scared I am. I’ll bring that up in three weeks when I see her.

I have another surgery on the 26th of March. The same one that triggered all of this! So I’m looking forward to that (typed with sarcasm) plus all the complications that came with it last time.

I’ve just had my first shower in days and I’ve just climbed into bed. I’m holding my weighted plushie so tight.

Yeah, everything is in date, I double checked but I did only buy it all today. @MissGremlin

They’re nice glimmers, yay for the win!

I don’t really have any other than Pix was better for her needles today. I did try to find things for my gratitude list but I don’t have much. Just Pix. I can at least say I tried. Oh I did have a shower after days of not having one.

@Captain24 hmm very odd and frustrating. Sometimes these things happen though sweet

That's great that Pix was better for her needles today. You are doing amazing with her sweet.

Having a shower is also a massive win, I'm super proud of you for doing so.

I mean it seems the most likely @Captain24 - emotional numbness is a pretty typical part of shut-down. The concept of 'functional freeze' might apply to you too - some info here if you're curious (but don't be alarmed or too down on yourself if you're unable to really take anything in, that's a part of it too).

I'm glad your GP is helping you manage your pain. I can imagine your job puts a lot of strain on your body! And yeah definitely worth chatting to your psych about your fears and concerns around what you're experiencing at the moment.

I did see you were going in for surgery again. I can imagine that to be a pretty terrifying prospect, considering how many complications you've had since the last one!! I hope this time around it goes smoothly and results in some improvements for you 🤞 Will your parents be able to pick you up/stay with you for some of the recovery time?

Shower, nice!! Hope you feel refreshed. The little things really make a difference hey - and sometimes it can take monumental effort to shower - proud of ya!

Keep holding your little plushie pal close hun, and I hope sleep finds you swiftly this evening 💜

(づ ᴗ _ᴗ)づ♡

I’m just getting ready for work @MissGremlin. It’s actually a monumental task. I feeel like I. Ant think straight to get organised.

I hope you got some sleep.

Hope today is a little better for you.

@Captain24 one little step at a time sweet, you've got this.

Sending you lots of love and hugs ❤️.

I haven't slept yet.

Hello @Captain24 sweetheart, how was work today?

How did Pix go with mum?