I can’t cope

CT scan is done. Now to try and find it in me to start something. One of the cards she gave me yesterday to put in a pile of, I can’t remember the categories correctly, what’s important, sometimes important and never, I put creativity in the never. She said to

me that I was creative. I only do things with directions not actually come up with it myself, but apparently that counts as creative. I don’t see it as anything important. She asked why as I do it and I just said it’s because I have to. I only do it because everyone says so. I don’t get any enjoyment out of it. It’s just something that is in my list. There is no enjoyment in my life. Nothing brings joy. I love my dogs and wouldn’t be without them but I usually just find them as comfort. I love them dearly, don’t get me wrong, I do smile when I see them especially when they are being cute but they enjoy themselves. Pix enjoys it when I give her a pat, Jett enjoys it when he is sitting on my lap. But to me it’s just comfort. I don’t think that makes any sense. But I honestly do love them and wouldn’t be here without them.

@Captain24 haha i love this sweet, it's good that we can have a laugh at the silly things we do 😂.

Sorry I missed your post, I'm just catching up now.

I'm glad your scan is done. How are things going since you posted last?

A question for you about the creativity. Did you used to find enjoyment in it?

I ask because for me all my colouring, diamond art, Lego and every craft I do used to bring me so much joy, it was something I loved doing. But it's now become a chore, a task, just something to keep me busy so that I don't act on thoughts etc. So I've completely lost that joy in them and I'm not sure how to get it back if it's possible.

I'm also hearing you when it comes to Pix and Jett. But can you remember when you were going away, telling me about how much Pix loves the beach and that you couldn't wait to see her excitement when she ran down to the water. That there is some joy, though I know it's hard to see it both in the moment and reflecting back on it.

I think this is why it's important to try to find the glimmers in each day cos they often go unnoticed until we pause and stop to think about it. @AuntGlow really explains it better than me, but basically if we start by noticing just a few glimmers occasionally we can learn to find more of them as we retrain our brains to see those moments more.

I'm off to my next destination now so will be driving and might not reply for a little bit.

It’s a bit hard @MissGremlin. My psych never rang me back, that’s ok as I was hoping but didn’t expect her too.

Yeah. I use to. It was something that I looked forward to. Something that I would get stuck into and not do the important stuff. I’d have to set timers to stop doing it and do something that I should have been doing. I’m hoping either my psych or myself remembers the creativity card next time. I’ll ask that question. How do we get it back? I do want joy back in my life. I do want to enjoy all the hobbies I have started. I’ve got lots of different things and use to struggle with what to do next as I wanted to do them all. Now it’s like what will pass the time better and what is harder to get more distraction.

I did see joy in Pix running along, getting in the water and climbing the rocks finding the puddles. So I guess it’s still there just really deep down and I don’t know how to harness it.

I’m pretty bad at glimmers, sometimes I will try to find them and other times I just forget or don’t feel I can see them. The only thing I can see for today is the washing. Other than that there is nothing.

All good. Hoping whatever you are doing is ok for you. I’ve got to take Pix to the vet at 5 and don’t know if I’m just dropping her off or if I have to stay. So don’t know when I’ll be around either. I’m hoping I just drop her off as it could take a couple of hours.

Hoping you are distracted.

Pixies blood tests came back clear for pancreatitis so that has gone but her sugar levels didn’t come back as good. It looks like this is permanent. The vet thinks so but will still do frequent testing just in case. There is more in depth tests as well she just doesn’t want to do them yet. Let the stress of the hospital stays and being so sick pass first.

@Captain24 I'll reply to the other post later as I'm busy with things at the moment.

But just wanted to say that I'm so happy that the pancreatitis is gone. It's a shame about her sugar levels but at least it's something that is able to be managed.

How are you feeling sweet?

It’s ok. It doesn’t matter @MissGremlin. I don’t expect anything.

Thanks. We did talk about how there were a few options for the diabetes if it’s permanent.

I have two amazing vets to help Pix and I though it

@Captain24 i want to reply sweet, I'm just doing my bedtime routine at the moment so don't have time to sit and write a long post.

I'm so glad the vets you have are amazing and are helping you both through this. Pix is such a special girl and deserves the best care possible from them just like she gets from you.

Hey @Jynx

I’m struggling and I’m not ok. I don’t want to be a burden so I may disappear.

but…

I want to wish you a massive Happy Birthday 🎂 🎁 🥳

I hope today has been as fabulous as you are. You deserve the best day ever. You are definitely deserving of all the care and love that I hope you have received.

@Captain24 I'm sorry your psych never rang you back, I know you were hoping to hear from her.

This is the same for me sweet, it's hard when those things used to bring so much joy to us and now we get nothing out of doing them other than a distraction. Hope your psych can shed some light onto how to get it back.

The fact that it's still there is a good thing, but yes it's learning how to harness that.

Totally understand about the glimmers. Maybe we could work on a goal together to find 2 or 3 glimmers in each day and share them with each other here?

@Captain24 I'd always rather hear from you than not hear from you hun. Appreciate the bday wishes 😊 It's all made me feel very blessed, especially all the love from the forums fam! Thank you for being part of that and part of what makes this space so special!

Hope you are holding on to hope and keeping yourself afloat. Sending you many hugs 💜

(づ ᴗ _ᴗ)づ♡