I can’t cope

@Captain24 no i was very much enjoying the conversation. I had my son, his girlfriend and my daughter pop in for a visit so things got hectic here.

Now back to your actual post that I was going to reply to.

I'm glad the pain has eased alot for you, it's better to take them before it gets bad again especially if it's well within the daily limit.

That's tough only having one bottle to go between two places but I'm sure you'll make it work. I'm glad that your mum is helping with Pix's care aswell.

What did you have for dinner? I made bolognase which is why my son came around, he loves my bolognase 😂.

I completely understand, it's so hard to be so open and vulnerable but yes it's necessary so that you can get the support you need and deserve.

There's just so much going on and then with Casper's ear it just threw everything over the edge. Unfortunately I didn't hear from my doctor or the mental health team but my counsellor did message me throughout the day which was nice and she's going to check in tomorrow aswell.

Just you being here helps. I'm finally in bed now and working on calming down. I have my iced coffee, Casper with me and I'm going to pop my audiobook on. Might even try to do my diamond art.

I didn’t know you had kids @MissGremlin. Is that a sensitive topic?

It’ll be a bit close to the ones I have taken but I won’t take them until I get home tomorrow night as I don’t want them while I’m driving so far. I have the other ones that I can take for the trip. I take them for three days and then stop.

Id this is permanent I’m just going to buy 2 bottles and we can have one at each house. Plus needles at each house so if will make it so much easier. More expensive but easier to manage. No risk of dropping the bottle or not keeping it cool enough. It has to be in the fridge at all times.

I just had left over Thai don’t was satay chicken and rice. I’ve got some for when I get home tomorrow night as well.

Bolognese sounds good. I had it recently, I use a jar of sauce, but didn’t enjoy it so I’ve gone off it.

I get the over the edge. It’s hard when something unexpected happens and pushes too far. Especially when it’s to do with our babies. They take priority.

Im glad your counsellor is there for you and will check in again.

How is it going with the MH team?

@Captain24 i have a 19 and a 17 year old. It is a bit of a sensitive topic though so probably not a good one to get into at the moment.

That makes sense to not take them while you have such a big drive ahead of you. Glad you have other ones you can take for the trip cos you will need to be comfortable for that. Hoping your appointment tomorrow goes well sweet, i know it's going to be hard being the last time you'll be going there. I'll be around all day so if you want to chat at any time feel free to tag me.

Getting 2 bottles makes sense if it's permanent, definitely safer than transporting one between places.

Oohh that sounds yummy 😋. Bonus to having some left over for tomorrow night too.

Bolognase is a good meal and I like that it doesn't get wasted cos my son likes it so comes to pick it up. I go off of foods sometimes too.

Yes, it is very hard. Today was alot, I broke down in tears and was so embarrassed. He's honestly my world and I already have enough fear losing him when I become homeless.

I haven't even been able to connect with the mental health team, they said they would ring back but haven't. I don't have the energy to keep chasing services that just don't seem to be willing to help me.

All good. I’ll go off your lead, if you want to talk about it at some stage then I’ll listen but if you never want to that’s ok too @MissGremlin

It’s going to be tough, the last time and the actual appointment plus it’s the first time I will have left Pix. I’m hoping the anti inflammatory helps with the pain while driving and while sitting on the floor. I also want to be able to walk along the beach for the last time and hopefully this time it’ll be more mindful then last time.

Left overs are good. I don’t have to think about out anything when I get home. I’ll be exhausted from it all and then the drive as well. Last time I hit a lot of traffic.

I go through phases of food. I’ll eat the same thing for weeks and then can’t eat it anymore. I think it’s an ND thing.

It’s ok to breakdown. I’ve done it a few times at the vets in the last week and a bit! They showed me where the tissues were! It shows them how much they mean to you. I can’t imagine your fear, there is a lot to deal with and sort out. I’m praying that you can stay beside each other.

It’s a shame that they haven’t contacted you but I get the lack of energy involved. It’s just another rejection if you try and they don’t respond.

How’s your diamond art going? What are you doing?

I’ve sent messages to my two friends from hospital and no one is getting back to me. I need to talk today out. I’m not dumping it in you though.

Hello lovely,

I am getting through my notifications now, but I wanted to stop by and ask how our little Pix is going?

I would also love an update around how things are going work and health-wise.

Looking forward to catching up! @Captain24 🫶

Pix have me a scare this morning and I rang the vet surgery as soon as they opened and they put one of Pixies bets on the phone. She talked me through what to do and if there was any change I had to rush her in. But she has been a little trooper today and it’s all been good. I had a GP appointment so they went to mums while I was there as I wanted her watched but she is fine.

I took the week off work but I go back on Friday. I’ve hurt my back and my GP doesn’t want me to go back but I just have to. He gave me script only pain relief though. An opioid and an anti inflammatory.

The appointment was for my MH though and it was really hard and deep. He was concerned about writing the scripts and how I may use them after our discussion. I promised him I would use them safely and be safe. My psych didn’t hold back when she wrote that letter to him. He even went through my safety plan app to see if he approved.

It’s been really hard tonight. With the distraction of all Pixies health I thought that I was doing a bit better but once Pix’s distraction was to the side and we got into just me, I discovered that nothing has improved at all. I did tell him I was trying to do things that he has mentioned over the last year or so that I have been seeing him and I think he was surprised. It felt, to me anyway, that it showed that I respected him and listened and was working with his suggestions.

Im feeling really open, vulnerable and raw right now. Also a feeling of despair and discouraged. A lot has been opened up.

Im driving down to see my psych in person tomorrow for the last time at the hospital. It’s going to be tough. The appointment will be hard, the daylight isn’t really long enough but I want closure from the hospital. I just feel

i need it to help accept that it’s going. I also want to go to the beach and I’m hoping it’s more mindful than it was last time. The new practice she is going to move to is in a bigger suburb and I’m not sure I can go. It could be too big for me. But apparently it’s 10 minutes from the place I’m going to tomorrow. But I’ll decide all that in October when the days are longer.

Sorry.. I know that’s a lot but I’ve got so much going through my brain. I have tried to reach out to 2 friends from hospital as I need to talk to someone but they haven’t got back to me. Dreamy has been really supportive but I don’t want to burden them as they have so much going on. While I know I have the forums I’m feeling really alone though @AuntGlow

@Captain24 thankyou sweet ❤️.

I hear you sweet. I'm hoping it all goes as ok as it can be for you and that the walk along the beach is mindful.

Yes it will be good to have something easy to eat. Hoping you avoid the traffic this time, there's nothing worse than getting stuck in traffic.

Totally get it and I'm the same. It's definitely a ND thing, one of the many quirks 😂.

The vet put the tissues in front of me today. I can't cope without him so it's really scary. Thankyou sweet ❤️.

That's exactly right and I can't handle the rejection, not now.

I'm still working on my stitch diamond art, getting close to being finished with it.

You are more than welcome to talk it out with me sweet if you want to, I'm here for you ❤️.

The traffic scares me last time @MissGremlin. I don’t drive in traffic. I complain about it her but it’s not three lanes wide and bumper to bumper. I did leave late last time though as I had to settle myself before I could get into the car. I’m hoping that the same doesn’t happen this time.

I still haven’t touched my diamond art and I set it up just after Christmas. Maybe I should focus on that for a little while but lately I’ve been more into making things. Like Lego and stuff. I’ve gotten out a 3D puzzle to do. It’s a carousel that I got for Christmas.

It’s not only about you not coping without him, it’s about him not coping without you as well. You never know maybe it will work out. My fingers are crossed for you. But you need him by your side.

I just blurted a lot out to auntglow. They won’t get back to me for ages though. I don’t want to add to your stuff. I want to be here for you

@Captain24 i hear you with the traffic, I avoid driving in heavy traffic as much as possible. When I first started driving i drove mostly in the country (which is where i lived) which was peaceful, city traffic is too much for me. I remember last time and needing to calm down first, you went to a shop to get a cold drink as part of your safety plan. (You don't know how proud i am of myself for actually being able to rememberthat). If it happens again tomorrow then we'll deal with it, I'll be here with you ❤️.

Lego and making things is sometimes better cos its more concentration and constructive, diamond is good for calm focus but i feel it gets a bit monotonous sometimes.

Just the thought of not being with him is too much, he's my everything.

We are here for each other sweet and I'm always happy to listen when I can ❤️.

I am proud of you for remembering that!! @MissGremlin. It was you who was there for me while I was trying to regulate myself. That actually means a lot that you remembered.

It does get monotonous and if I sat there for four hours a day it would still take me a couple of months. It’s really big. But sometimes I like the monotonous, when I’m low and can’t do anything other than sit and stare at a wall I’m suppose to do it or just get some Lego and stick it together just to get that repetitive feel. I have t done that though.

I don’t know what to say. I’m so scared for you.

It’s ok.. there is a lot.