I can’t cope

Hey @tyme

Im so glad to see you.

Yea it’s been a rocky road. But I have my beautiful baby girl with me and she is doing so much better. The vet that called to check in tonight is surprised at how well she is doing. I take her back Wednesday night for some more tests.

I only accepted yesterday’s appointment and have paid fully for next week. In a couple of weeks I’ll give her the rest for yesterday. I feel bad about it. I guess I am doing my best and she can see it. When I say I’m trying she says that I’m always trying. She often says she is proud of me. I hope she means it.

I need a break. Having this block off work is going well though. I am here with Pix and I can see what’s happening and watch her. I know mum would but I’d be at work with no idea of what was happening.

I’m just glad I have somewhere to share. While I still feel like it’s all inside at least I’ve been able to get some of it out. It feels like a little less to carry.

Then my gyno springs the earlier surgery time on me and I won’t have had the chance to pull everything back in from this week. I’ll have his gap to pay, the hospital excess and the anaesthetist gap to pay. It’s getting really stressful with everything else on top! I’m struggling a lot.

I did get my job list done for today but it wasn’t really much, I just bathed pix, changed the bedlinen, cleaned the shower screen, had a shower and washed my hair and had a bath. Then I did some of those mini Lego blocks.

Im now just sitting and watching tv.

How have you been for the last couple of days?

@Captain24 you're juggling soooo much right now hun, so the fact you're still putting effort towards what your psych has suggested is so monumental. Really glad to hear it, and glad that you have such an amazing psych!

Really great to hear Pix is getting green lights from the vet too! Hope the tests go ok! Give her some scritches from me?

Also....

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@Captain24 wrote:

I did get my job list done for today but it wasn’t really much, I just bathed pix, changed the bedlinen, cleaned the shower screen, had a shower and washed my hair and had a bath. Then I did some of those mini Lego blocks.

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"Wasn't really much"? Sounds like a lot to me! You get more done each day than I do in a week! With everything you're going through, I just thought you ought to be commended - and not sell yourself short! You're doing amazingly 💜

Yeah.. I’m trying but I’m feeling really tired right now. @Jynx. Emotionally and mentally. I feel really drained. It’s like a wall has just hit me. It hurts and it’s hard. Even breathing is too much of an effort.

Im hoping they go well. I will give her scratches. I also listened to them. Apparently they went and bought her a BBQ chicken. Apparently she likes it heated for 15 seconds! I’m having a little trouble with getting her to eat so I got chicken breast and boiled it and heat it for 15 seconds! She is eating it.

It was all done by 12 so it couldn’t have been much. I did have a nap this afternoon though. I still have more to do but I just can’t push any further. To me it’s not enough. Can I ask what you get done in a day? Not for judgement just to see if I’m really not normal. I saw my psych the other morning at 10. I had done 2 loads of washing and cleaned the kitchen and ensuite. I still had to do the floors but she said what I had done was a lot for some people? I just get confused. Mum and dad clean the house every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Bath the dog every Tuesday and Thursday they don’t really do much in the morning. They go to the supermarket twice a week and go for a drive around town every single day. They also walk every single morning and night. Washing every day. Is this normal?

I'm hearing you @Captain24 . It's certainly a lot. As I was going through all the past posts, I could actually 'draw' a sort of graph in my head about how you have been going. It's a really interesting exercise because whilst things have been hard, there have been shifts in how you've been, and that's the main thing. That is, it's not a flat line low or a flat line high.

And I've always said you are one to take on feedback and try new things, so I'm glad your psych and I are on par with that one!

I had a really rough day yesterday so my capacity was limited. I'm working through this and feel better today - hence I'm catching up on things.

All I can say is that life is a journey. It throws things at us that we least expect, but I strong believe there is learning that comes from it and it makes us better people - if we're open to learning.

@Captain24 haha she is a pup with a fine palette! Glad she's eating 😊

On days that I work, I might get one household task done (dishes, or vacuuming for example) but not necessarily every day. Some days I need to prioritise getting some movement and physio exercises in, or getting myself to the shops, and by the time I'm done I'm too tired to do chores. When I'm not at work, I can usually do one social thing, or like one appt/phone call type task a day, plus movement, kitty care, and a bit of downtime with reading/tv/video games.

I'm not saying I'm 'normal', more like 'there's no such thing as normal'. Keep in mind that being ND means our capacity is gonna look different!! Plus, most folks who don't have complex mental health challenges don't spend a bunch of energy having to regulate, recover from overwhelm, or talk themselves down from a spiral, for instance.

I too get frustrated at times when I am unable to do all the things I need to do. Like the de-cluttering for instance. It gets popped on the back burner frequently, because I know that to do it properly, I need to be able to dedicate a lot of time and focus to do it.

I also have days where I can do a lot, and days where I can do very little. Mostly, the latter follows the former 😅 Especially if I've been in a situation or environment with a lot of sensory stimulation - meeting a friend at a busy cafe for example means I probably won't do much else that day, because I need to recover from the overstimulation.

Modern society would probably quickly label me as lazy. And I am behind on stuff - but to my mind, it's not because of laziness, but simply because modern life places enormous demands on our time and energy. Some people can keep up with it, but some people can't, and often the ones who can keep up with it are baffled by those that can't, and may pass judgement - without having any idea how much goes on beneath the surface.

I'm not lazy, I'm protecting my energy so I can spend it on the things that matter most to me 😉💜

It’s been so much @tyme. The emotional roller coaster with Pix. She took all my focus and was the only thing I could think about. Days of crying, days of being scared (still scared). The fear I was going to lose her, getting her home and still being so sick. Sending her back in. Days of waiting to get her home again. The relief when she could come home, the fear of messing up the diabetes. The relief that she is doing better each day. The relief that she is good with the needles. It’s all been about her and not about me. In a really weird and horrible way she distracted me from me. I wish she hadn’t because I hate what she is going through, what she could go through for the rest of her life. This is getting to me too. That she will forever be sick. Everything she does needs to be monitored.

She is a good egg my psych. I want to get better so I have to take on board what she says and I always need to be open and honest with her. If I’m not then she can’t help me. I need her to trust me to be able to support me and work with me. That’s why I listen to you too. You have both been through stuff and both understand. What works for you may not work for me but I won’t know unless I try. In my bath today I played with my bath toys and the time passed by and I didn’t realise until my alarm went off!

Im sorry you had a rough day. Do you want to talk about it? How are you working through it? Can I help? I am also glad that you knew your limits and stuck by them.

I don’t want to learn much more so it can stop throwing things at me. 😜

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@Captain24 wrote:

I don’t want to learn much more so it can stop throwing things at me. 😜

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Hahahaha.... well, let's just say we live to learn whether we like it or not.

Your approach to challenges and life is so inspirational. It's not because life doens't have challenges, but your values keep you accountable to your babies, your treating team, your home, your family. This is what keeps you going even if things feel really really hard.

Whilst I recognise that the situation with Pix was super difficult, and it drained you immensely, when you come out of it, you will notice a load lifted off your shoulders. It's like you don't realise how deep and dark things really are until you've experienced something different. It's like 'There's always a blacker black." And until you've got something to compare it with, you don't actually know.

Arghh..... let's just say my BIL is not well at all. I know I just have to help my sister out a lot more. I somehow knew it would happen, but it really hit home yesterday. As I said, I'm in a much better headspace today even though I know it'll be a long road...

It's just a fact of life. As annoying as people and situations are, I know we become stronger.

Hang in there and I'll catch you next time.

Thanks for sharing all of that @Jynx. I really appreciate it. I am by no means judging just trying to get a feel of why I think it’s so little but others think it’s so much. I just wanted to see what someone else did.

It’s a lot less than what I was previously doing. I have settled down a lot. I’m not doing stuff from7 in the morning until 7 or 8 at night.

I think I need to prioritise differently. I want to get things done and I have to push to do it but maybe I need to look at doing just something and not everything. Maybe it might help me to find some joy. Just do something I want not a list. I even wrote on my list to have a bath. It was down as something I had to do. I also wrote to do the mini Lego that I did. Another task to be done. My psych did say to put ‘maintenance’ things into my day.

While I have done some work on it maybe I need to look at it a different way and come up with different strategies. Cleaning my house is not something that I can’t not do though. That is a minor OCD trait I think.

However while I’m focusing and pushing, it’s only little things, I’m forgetting. I’m distracted. I do need to clean out my pantry but that is a huge job and I’m putting it off. It’s not an easy task to tackle where everything else has been.

I don’t think I’ve made any sense at all. Sorry.

@Captain24 I know you're not out here judging me hun! I hope my sharing has helped in some way, to give some perspective or help you feel like you're not alone 😉

You've made sense - I get it. I wonder if you could block out some time for those things that you want to do (rather than feeling like you have to). Like you say putting Lego on the list means that it becomes 'just another task'. What if you blocked out an hour or so to do something a little spontaneous? I know for myself when I'm not sure what to do, sometimes my brain goes blank as to all the options... then when my schedule is full, I can easily think of all the things I'd rather be doing! You could (especially at first) make a small list of things that you have thought you'd rather be doing at times when you're busy. Whether that's Lego, or reading, or spending time in nature... then when you do have those times set aside for joy-seeking, you have a list of things to choose from. And if nothing on the list feels appealing at the time, you could try for something spontaneous! Like going to see a random film, or finding a cool antique store, or going people-watching or something.

I dunno - food for thought!

The little D&D gremlin in my brain now wants to create a 'spontaneity table' - i.e. you take a 20 sided die and roll, and then you have a table with 20 random activities listed. Let fate decide... 😝

I hope you have a chill evening and get some good rest tonight, with your lil fur babies close of course 💜

It’s really hard to keep going and not give up or just spend my days in bed. @tyme. Today I have spent all morning in bed as I just don’t want to see the day at all. But mum and dad are coming so I have to get up.

I need to look after my dogs and I need the support of my team and they can’t help me if I won’t try and help myself. I like my home to look good, it doesn’t right now though. I don’t know that it’s inspirational just something that I have to do. I feel really stuck and with no hope but at the same time I don’t want to stay like this. So I have to do things to help myself. After mum and dad leave I’m going to try and do another little fish if Monin bricks and then I have gotten out a 3D puzzle to start. All I want to do is go back to bed but that is not a good thing as I have done it all morning.

I wish I never went through this with Pix and I’m still going through it, I’m guessing I will get use to it. But the relief of her getting through and being ok has been a good thing. All my focus was on her and I still have to focus on her. It has helped a little to distract and see that she needs me and that I have to get well. But yes I get what you are saying. I’m still struggling extremely badly but it is a little different. It could be worse is kinda the feeling I have. I don’t think that makes much sense but.

I’m so sorry he is unwell. That must make it so much harder on all. I know you need to be there for your sister and step up, that is you and you wouldn’t do anything different. But it must be hard at the same time. You do so much in a day as it is and having to find that extra time must be hard and exhausting. Please, please, find some time for yourself and some self care. You need it and you need to look after yourself. You won’t be much use if you aren’t looking after yourself as well. You are important in all of this. Please reach out if you need to. I’m good at listening if you want to vent. You will take me out of my head and I’ll be there for you.

It does make us stronger and if I ever get through this and become actually well, not just moments, I’ll be one tough person!

You are strong, you have come a really long way. You have got this but just be mindful of yourself at the same time.