I can’t cope

I’ve tagged you in the main post @AuntGlow. That’s the post that set me off.

Im not ok at all but I’m in a house with my parents so I am safe. Jett just climbed onto my bed and is with me Pix is out waiting for treats off mum.

I don’t really know what to do tonight. It just went from struggling while I’ve been here to extreme tonight. I still need to try and bring myself out of it. I’ve stopped crying for now and hoping that I go to sleep soon but my mind wont slow down.

Stingrays are really slimy and their mouths are underneath and are pretty violent getting their food. The sharks are rubbery feeling. They are a little more gentle getting their food. They swim really close to my feet, like nearly touching them.

@Captain24 hope you are now sleeping well, along with Pix and Jett too. 🤗

I like that you are "real" here - the ups and the downs! Yes, and the downs!

I'm honoured to be able.to be here to help sit with you in the pain and anger, as well as to celebrate in the better days too.

You made it through today, which you knew would be hard this evening. You kept yourself and your dogs safe. You took yourselves away to calm down when you felt overwhelmed and needed space. I think you did great, all things considered. (You may not *feel* great, and still feel upset and tender - but i think you DID great)

Oh, I can absolutely hear and sense how you're feeling through your words - these are very valid reasons for your nervous system to be sent into a flurry. It sounds like there was so much out of your control and that the whole experience was very uncomfortable for you... 😣 @Captain24

I understand your body is still activated and your frustration is allowed to be there. Perhaps there is a way to reorient yourself in the space, knowing that right now, he isn't there and you, Pix, and Jett, are okay? 💛

Thank you for your beautiful support too, as always. @AlwaysMyself @MissGremlin 🫶

It’s 2 am and I have woken up @AlwaysMyself. I am tired and hopefully go back to sleep after this. I really need rest.

I am sorry about the massive down, I have been trying to keep things inside. I do appreciate your support in this though.

I know I did the right thing but I shouldn’t have to leave. But I guess I know my place. Mum and dad were really helpful in helping get the dogs harnesses on and getting them to the car. So I appreciate the care but they did realise how upset I was. I even have tears writing this.

Im hoping you are sleeping well right now.

It was horrible @AuntGlow . It did change a lot of things, it did hurt a lot. It took me ages to calm down, I even just sat on a rock. I had to control Pixies breathing.

I went from freeze straight into fight and then back to freeze again. I didn’t really feel anything in the beach. Talking to my cousin gave Pix a rest and her breathing calmed right down to normal. As he left mum and dad came. I didn’t really want to see anyone but it was nice to catch up. I would have preferred to be on my own.

I forgot to take my meds and mum checked after I left. So when I got back I had to eat something to be able to take them. Mum did talk to me a little bit while I was eating, plus we had to feed the dogs. It was nearly 9:00 and they hadn’t had dinner. So I did all of that and then went to bed. I feel asleep pretty quickly but it’s 2 and I’m awake. I’m hoping to go back to sleep though.

Thank you for validating my feelings and situation.

I’m hoping all is well with you

It’s now 5:40 and I’m awake again. I’m so tired. I have taken the dogs out to the toilet like I did at 2. I have also been able to sneak a smoke in both times.

I wish to be asleep though. How am I supposed to function and mask all day with limited sleep?

O could really use a sleep in right now but mum and dad will be home from their walk at 7 and I’ll have to get up again.

I am glad I am on holidays but it is really exhausting. maybe the weather will be nicer today and I can go for a swim at the beach. That would be good. I’ll go on the cold but I couldn’t go in the rain we had yesterday until late in the afternoon when it cleared but I was already at the masons park. At least I did something though.

This morning feels really hard. I’m not feeling that much better than last night. I know it’s over and I should just get over it. But it’s affecting me pretty bad.

So today hasn’t been too bad. We went to a rock face and the dogs had an amazing time climbing all over the rocks. The waves weren’t crashing but it is a beautiful area. This is the place where I feel the most connection to my mum.

@AuntGlow @AlwaysMyself @MissGremlin  @tyme  @Jynx    

Your walk today with the rocky area looks really nice @Captain24 😍. Glad it hasn't been too bad since earlier this morning - but also knowing that this doesn't take away the pain of yesterday and the feelings around it. But I am glad today is not as bad! And maybe even better than 2am and 5am were?

I hope you can have some quiet time to rest e.g. after lunch. Help you rest after both the stress of yesterday evening and also the lack of sleep overnight. I reckon they are both VERY valid reasons to say you need some time alone to lay down in the cool. I mean, I don't think you need a reason at all, but if you needed to give one -- that's a pretty solid one! I need daytime naps sometimes just because my system gets tired from normal daily life lol.

I wish it weren't the case that you felt the need to leave the house yesterday too; I wish your family were better able to respect you and each other and also to talk about things in a safe way before they "blow up". Maybe one day? Maybe never. I can't know. But given the situation and where you and your family are at emotionally, I reckon you did really well and being the "bigger person" by removing yourself from the situation is really smart - even if it is unfair on you to always be the one doing it.

It is a little better but my brother wants us to go to the beach with him this afternoon but I don’t want to. I don’t want to see him or that dog. @AlwaysMyself

This morning was hard when I was struggling to sleep. I am so tired right now. Plus having to pretend I was ok all morning. Mum has been a little gentle though.

I’ve just come down to the beach, it’s a really warm day so the water will be nice even though there is hardly any waves. That’s disappointing.

I don’t think it will ever happen. My brother really doesn’t care about anyone but himself. Unless he wants money. I shouldn’t have to leave though but it was the best thing for me and the dogs. Pixies breathing was a little scary. I thought she was going to stop breathing again.

I guess it was a good thing to leave. Now they know how hard it is for me. Maybe next time they will consider it. Plus everytime his dog came near me I want her away. I don’t like the dog but was annoyed that she was free to take over the house while mine were locked away. He should never have brought her around.

@Captain24 What an absolutely stunning place to visit and the dogs certainly look like they were having a wonderful time ☺️.