I can’t cope

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@Captain24 wrote:

Thanks @AuntGlow

It is hard. I’m not saying it’s worse than depression as it’s not really comparable and I don’t want to invalidate anyone else. It’s just really different and it is so hard.

My appointment is the 3rd of Feb. Bug it’s a day that I’m suppose to be sleeping so I want to see if they are able to move it to the next day. Probably can’t with so many problems actually getting an appointment.

I was asleep when you posted. I had nightshift last night and tonight and tomorrow night. So I don’t really have much downtime to think so that’s a good thing.

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Your experience is 100% valid and I appreciate you sharing, as well as bringing awareness and education around your experience. It's helpful for me to learn more about you and how I can support you. @Captain24 💛

Have you been able to contact them about an appointment change?

How has work been this week?

I am also curious to know how your mind and body are feeling, if you have the space to share. 🥰

I went to work @Ru-bee.

I struggled to talk to people it if I did it. At my second break the girl that was swapping me out had me going to a room where no one was so I would have been on my own. But I asked her if I could go to the room where people were. She said yes. So I made myself be around people instead of taking the easy option. I did really talk much but I was with people. No one noticed. The day started hard and I had no energy or no care factor but then as it got busy I just kept going and forgot about everything else.

It is a beautiful story. I never really realised it as it’s what I live with. The mars bar thing started when I was still in school dinner 30 years ago. Pop died in 2003. I still feel that connection with him. It’s not a memory thing it’s actually physical.

Thank you for checking in. I really appreciate it. More than you realise.

Heya @Captain24 ! Great to see you!

I read your most recent post and just wanted to acknowledge your effort in being around people even when you didn't feel up to it. I know it can be so hard.

This is one thing I really focus on doing. When I'm feeling low, I give myself 'me' time, but it is only limited. I then push myself to be around others and it has helped.

In the past, I always withdrew and disconnected. Whilst it felt good, it ultimately made me feel much worse after.

So well done to you!

I hope today has been a bit easier to cope with that yesterday.

Hey @AuntGlow

I’m not sure what you have read but my psych says I’m in freeze state. I feel hollow, empty, heavy, deep dark pain, numb and my heart feels broken. All I can do is be gentle with myself and ride it out. The not having any energy and just being numb is why I don’t have active SI. My brain and body has shutdown. I have empty thoughts other than feeling really distressed.

My GP doesn’t work the next day and the following day I leave for holidays. So I just have to deal with it being on a sleep day. I’m going to get him to write me a certificate if I can’t get back to sleep after it and can call in sick.

I went back to work today. It was really hard to go, I didn’t want to and didn’t have the energy but I just had to go. It was hard this morning during the shift but as it got hotter and busier I didn’t really have anytime other than what I was doing. I did get really frustrated that no one cares about stuff at work. It made me feel worse, I cared and no one else did so what is wrong with me. I want to care because I don’t get care myself and they don’t care so that hurts as I take it personally. That doesn’t make any sense but I kinda related it to my life.

My body feels heavy, lethargic and no energy. It’s like I’m dragging myself around. It’s even hard to stand or walk. It takes a lot out of me to do it. My mind is shutdown, I don’t really have thoughts other than I don’t want to exist. But other than that there is really nothing, it’s more what I feel. I also feel lost and alone.

My psych was amazing though and saw me twice in 2 days. I went down and seen her in person and o felt connected with her. I went to the beach and it didn’t have the same effect as normal. It was like it was just something I had to do. It was nice feeling the water over my feet the first time it happened and then after that just nothing.

I just wrote another post with a bit more in it @tyme

I did try to do what was better for me than what I wanted. Thanks for recognising that. Being alone is what I want and what I need but at the same time it’s not helpful. Those people that I was around I had to pretend to be ok as they have no idea what is going on. So it was better than having someone come around and ask questions. It allowed me to be ‘normal’ for half an hour

Work was hard to get to but I did it. It was pretty rough until it got busy but now I’m home it’s really hard. I don’t feel great, well actually I’m not ok. It was a big day and after not doing much and being alone, I did a lot and was around people. So it was really overwhelming to have to function. It is better for me but has hit really hard now I’m home. Does that make sense?

Hey @Captain24 ,

I read the next post. I hear you. Please don't think it is abnormal to experience this freeze state. It's a way of protecting ourselves when things get too hard.

And yes, I hear your psych about riding it out. It's not easy, and as I mentioned last night, there's no 'end' you can visibly see. But hopefully, as you keep pushing on, then rising out of the deep will be easier.

I sense all the energy and effort it has taken to just get out there, so if your body needs to disconnect for a bit to relax, then so be it. You are allowed to do this.

Be kind to yourself.

Also, don't forget that for you to havesuch a stressful job while also managing the ups and downs of mental health is a huge achievement that should be taken lightly. Looking at it in perspective, you are doing remarkably well.

We are sitting with you as you ride this out.

@Captain24

"I shouldn’t be at work but I shouldn’t be at home alone either. "

Thats when I go to my local Safe Haven. Not sure if you have one. Mine is limited hours, and doesn't include mornings.

I wonder if you could go (in future, I know I am posting after the fact) to a cafe instead, or perhaps even a cafe at the local hospital? To be safe and out of home, but not at work either.

You are not "too much" for me. I do not want you to leave.

I may not always be on here or available, but when I am able to be you are not too much. I do wish I knew how to help you more and support you through it, for your benefit. But helping support you does not cause me any distress.

What you've been writing about being in the freeze-state is helping me understand a little also about my own "living" in that realm too, even though sometimes it feels a little different for me. But what you describe about being too low for SI even, I've been there in the past. I've been that despondent before.

I don't think caring is wrong. I like people who show care. I'm with you. It hurts to show/give care and not receive it in return. To invest, and not be invested in.

I am proud of you for making those healthy choices at work the other night - to be around people instead of alone.

I find this helps my mood be less likely to decline further, even on occasions when it does not improve from it.

It feels so hard @tyme. I did think I was weird, I couldn’t understand how I could be that far down that I don’t have active SI. Nothing made sense. But my psych explained it all. It has been a really long time since I have felt this. I was with comm health at the time and they wouldn’t listen and wouldn’t understand. It took me so long to get out of it. I’m talking a lot of months, nearly a year. I can’t live like this for that long again. But I do have better support this time. Well actually, I have support.

Im hoping it gets easier but at the same time it’s going to get harder as I come out of it and get to the next stage, then I have to go through that too until I’m out of it. It’s a long hard process that, like you said, I can’t see the end.

I feel like I’m allowed to hurt, to feel so low, to be not ok as I managed a lot today. Not that I want to hurt but I need to just let it be and acknowledge that I did a lot of what I didn’t want to do today.

I really do think that I do well to do it all. Even when every ounce of my being wants to give up. By that I mean just completely shutdown and just crumble. Completely forget that I exist. I mean that in a completely safe way.

Im trying my best to let it go. I’m trying to be gentle. I’m trying to not push myself. I try so hard to try and get better but right now I have to stop. I have to stop trying or it’ll just prolong it or make it worse. I don’t really have it in me to push anyway.

Has your psych spoken much about radical acceptance? That is to accept the things you cannot change and work with what is in your control? @Captain24

I'm so glad that your psych was able to explain so much to you. It's helpful to know that there's a 'name' to it all.

We don’t have anything like that here @AlwaysMyself. I have to go to work anyway. They aren’t very understanding. They stood me down for 5 weeks a couple of years ago to have an independent psychiatrist to review me because I cried at work. So that obviously meant my MH was in a bad way. Not the situation that set me off! If I had my time over I would never have told them that I have a mental illness!

I really don’t expect you to be here all the time and I’m really sorry that I put so much on you. I shouldn’t do it but I need to get things out which is why I’ll do it and not tag people. But I feel like I’m hurting you all and that’s why I feel like I shouldn’t be around until I’m well. Which could take a really long time.

I guess it feels different for everyone and it’s also hard to describe. I’m glad you get the ‘too low for SI’ that just sounds so weird. My psych is concerned that that could change rapidly and strongly, hence having to hand stuff in. Im sorry that you relate because I wish you hadn’t had to feel the same.

It’s really weird as it was just a work setting, that I cared about work and they didn’t but it just felt personal even though it wasn’t.

It took a lot for me to call up and ask to go somewhere different as I don’t do that. But to then make it so I was around people as massive. I think deep inside I knew that being alone would only lead to bad things.

How are you going?