I can’t cope

There’s been a massive shift @tyme. I’m in a world of hurt, it’s pretty bad.

I don’t like going to sleep as that means I have to wake up and face another day.

It is another depressive episode but I haven’t had one this bad for a long time. I just walked along the beach and it was kind of grounding when the water ran over my feet the first time but after that it didn’t mean anything. There was no mindfulness in it at all. I told my psych that as a saw her after I had been. She is really concerned. I’m really concerned. I am safe though. Plus I had to get rid of my extra ‘means’ so my ‘comfort’ has gone.

My psych said to call when I needed too and asked what my fear about it was and I said that I don’t know the person at the end of the phone. I don’t think tonight is the night though. After seeing her in Tuesday and opening up I fell in a drastic heap, she helped with it yesterday but I do t want to risk talking to someone and the same happening. I have to go to work in the morning.

How did she come up with that? They are going to have ‘fun’ with her! 😂

I’ve packed all the pasta salad into containers ready to through in my lunch box for work. I had some of the pasta bake for dinner and I’ll have the rest for dinners over the next 3 nights. @MissGremlin

It is a good idea but I’m just scared. I’m scared to go to bed if a night. It sounds stupid but I really don’t like it. My alarm will go off at 4:30 in the morning though.

Please make sure you look after yourself first.

Yes @Captain24 , it sounds pretty concerning. It was such a sudden shift. As I said, please reach out if you need it. Just tell yourself that the last thing you want are people rocking up at your door unannounced if you can avoid it.. that can be traumatic... you know what I mean.

The fact that you gave it a go and went to the beach is something to give yourself credit for. As much as we want to lie down in a heap, you made the effort to get up and go. You never know, it could have been more soothing. You never know unless you give it a go, so well done to you.

As for my niece, my sister has already warned the teacher that she is like my eldest niece, but majorly NEXT LEVEL! (Firecracker has the same teacher as the eldest had last year). She's bossy, rude, has no filter, and can be really embarrassing.

@Captain24 I'm glad you had some of the pasta bake for dinner. Such a good meal to make and it goes a long way so perfect to make extra meals.

I hear you sweet and I really do understand. That thought of going to sleep only to have to wake up again, it's exhausting and it's hard when you don't want to face another day. But I'm really hoping things shift for you soon so that you can start to look forward to what the next day may bring instead of dreading it.

I do my best to look after myself and part of that is me being here to support and connect with people.

It has happened and was traumatic. @tyme. I can guarantee that I’m safe but apparently as I start to come out of this I have to go back through the SI stage. You know the ‘window of tolerance’ I’m in the bottom category, the next level up is the SI category and more feelings and emotions. At the moment i feel empty, dark, hollow, numb and like my heart is broken. I know I should be in hospital and if things were different and it was possible I would be there in a heartbeat. It was actually hard walking in for my appointment as I saw some of the facilitators as I walked past and I know it’s where I need to be. But I have gotten through this before in my own I can do it again especially with the support of my psych. Plus the support on here. One thing with the PSW not being around I haven’t had any check ins! You are the only one we see.

When I got up early Tuesday morning I didn’t want to go down and nearly canceling made it Telehealth but I told her I would be there and the ‘people pleaser’ in me came out. I’m glad I did though as it was a really helpful and supportive appointment. It did hit hard though.

Id love to be a fly in the wall in her class! She is going to be epic until she learns that school is a structure and routine and you can’t do and say what you want! But maybe she won’t learn that! 😂

I have to eat dinner as I can’t take one of my meds in an empty stomach or it makes me physically sick. Sometimes it’s really hard if the ED voice is loud though. @MissGremlin

Im hoping they do as well. I don’t want to stay like this for very long. This is the worst it’s been in a long time and it took a long time to get through. I do have much better support now and more understanding as my psych understands it and explains it well.

Im hoping you find a shift too. I really wish that for you.

How have you been sleeping? Getting much?

I'm glad I can be here. I priortise it because I know this community like the back of my hand. I'm mindful that others mods are still developing the confidence to post. It'll take time. As we all know, first navigating the forums is not easy! It's a miracle people actually can! But for now, we have to make-do with what we have including all the bugs that are still getting fixed.

I'm really gald you were able to push past the not wanting to go to the appointment and still go. I know it takes up a whole day. From my experience, when feeling low, getting up is the last thing I want to do!

Honestly, as I read your post, I remember all the times I was feeling a similar way... I really don't know how I have got to where I am... yet it also gives me the assurace that you can too.

As for the firecracker, they won't know what hit them! Let's see next week when she starts! @Captain24

Even the regulate that are still around don’t get involved @tyme. It’s like they are not allowed to or don’t want to. But it is what it is.

I knew something was wrong when I didn’t settle into the drive. Then I went to a lookout that I wanted to see which is about 15 minutes before I get to the place. It was really beautiful but I just couldn’t appreciate it. I did take photos to share but I just haven’t had it in me to share them. I got hit with a wave while in the beach and my shorts were all wet so I sat on the floor in the room, my psych sat down with me and it felt good and I felt really connected. More so than usual. It’s something we are going to try and remember for next time.

I have gotten out of it before but I was a long road. There is nothing I can do to help it lift, just ride it out. I’m glad you have gotten it all together. I do wish that for myself but it is hard when this kind of stuff keeps happening. Does reading this stuff and knowing what it’s like trigger you at all?

Are you waiting for the call from school!! I do want to hear about them, just saying!!

@Captain24 i hear your sweet, the ED would definitely make things hard when that voice is loud.

I'm hoping it really starts to shift very soon for you. I know it took a long time to get through before but I hope it brings a little comfort in knowing that you did get through so you can do it again. The fact that you have better support now i hope will make it easier and quicker to get through.

Thankyou sweet ❤️.

I'm barely sleeping as I keep waking up having panic attacks. It's honestly exhausting but my body has become used to running on very little sleep.

I hope I do have time to write you a proper reply tonight @Captain24 (have been reading through your thread and almost caught up on my other notifications, but alas I can make no promises, especially when the time-blindness fairies come a-visiting!) but I just quickly wanted to send you this instagram video - it's talking about that functional freeze and returning to baseline via the fight/flight stage, hope that link works for ya! 💜