That still sounds helpful @AlwaysMyself. Helpful to get you on the right path. Being able to complete things and learning how to best do it with the capabilities that you have.
Social group sounds good. To me, it sounds like you enjoy being able to get out and see people. I don’t know if it’s something that you do or need to make yourself do.
Reading that you need weekly support is ok. Well not really, no ok in the fact that you need it and I wish you didn’t need it! But I am glad and happy for you that you do have it. I do get the treading water thing. If I could see my psych weekly I would be right now.
I did feel really bad about needing to see her today and I apologised. She didn’t even say anything, I usually get in trouble for saying sorry. She knew the time wasn’t right. When she was emailing me it was during a cancelled appointment, and at the time she was writing she wished she had have known and would have slotted me in.
She was amazing and I even made her cry! I told her that my heart is broken and how distressed that I am, that distressed that I shouldn’t be at home. I’m safe. She did question whether I was safe or not and apologised for asking but she said she needed to check in. I was ok with that. She asked about my suicide method means and I told her it was all still there and then I added that I had extra that I hadn’t told her about. I know need to dispose of them. Which I will do tomorrow.
She has helped me to sit and stare at the wall if that’s all I’ve got the capacity to do, but to maybe try it in the front room of my house. That room is my favourite in the whole house and I never use it. I told her that I can actually ‘feel’ my nan and pop, in a spiritual way. I need to focus on that. I need to buy some mars bars and take to work with me. I need to leave one on the kitchen bench as a reminder that they are with me. She asked how I felt with yesterday’s appointment in person. I told her I get anxious around seeing her face to face as usually there is a screen between us. But yesterday was different and that I felt more connected in the floor. She is going to remember that for future. We are keeping next weeks appointment but if things improve we can cancel it. But I think I’ll keep it as I’m going away for a week with my family and it could be hard so if I am miraculously feeling better we can talk through strategies about that.
The mars bar story:
Many years ago my pop asked me for a mars bar for Christmas. (He was a 4 needle a day insulin diabetic!) so I got him a Mars bar and put it in a box with stuffing so it didn’t move. I gave it to him and he said ‘it’s a mars bar’ I told him it wasn’t look at the size of it. Then he said that I ought to it in a bigger box, I said but it doesn’t rattle, he then said I put stuffing in it! He was a cluey old bugger. Then at Easter I got him another one, following that was my birthday and he got me one. So that continued until he passed away. The day of his funeral I got a mars bar and put it on his coffin. My cousins just laughed and said ‘that damn mars bar!’ It was just a special me and pop moment. To this day I have a mars bar on his birthday and the anniversary of his death.
This is the story that gave my psych tears. I was in Spain and was at a church service (I went with the church) and the sermon was pretty rough, I ‘felt’ my nan sitting beside me. She would have been so proud that I went and went to a mass with the pope! But anyway, she sat with me through that service and then we come out of the church and there was a little shop next door and there was mars bars in the window!
Lucky no one is reading these posts!
@MissGremlin
