I can’t cope

I really wish I could cry. I shed tears occasionally but not actually full on cry and let it all out. @Flutterbug9

My psych told me that it’s ok to cry and that nothing will happen and eventually it will stop. I’m so lucky to have her.

4 days is a long time! You must have been exhausted.

Well done for wanting to go to trivia. I only leave the house for groceries or work. All but my GP appointments are Telehealth. So I totally get the self isolating.

Sounds like a rough night. It’s hard when that happens. It’ll happen to me tonight as it always does the night before I go to work. I usually check that my alarm is set several times during the night. It goes off at 4:30.

Having a few things to do sounds good, keep you busy and distracted.

Giving your psychiatrist as much information as possible in the lead up to your appointment is a good idea, less to discuss and remember on the day.

Any plans for tonight?

Plans for tonight involve feet on the foot rest, bunny rug on my knee (my cats are addicted to polar fleece) and watching a DVD. I’ve finished watching one series I’ve been watching. Trying to get into a different series, hiccup is I feel like have watched this one very recently even though I know zi haven’t. Might need to look through my DVD collection for something else.

could it be possible you don’t get much sleep on these nights as are worried you are going to sleep through your alarm?

Times I’m worried I’m sleep through my alarm (even though it’s a pitch I easily can hear and phone is right beside me) I set an alarm to sound each 10 mins( 15mins maximum), eye mask and ear plugs. I understand doesn’t work or suit everyone

That sounds like a nice night @Flutterbug9

Yeah I’m always worried about sleeping through it but in 8 years I’ve only done it once. If I do Jett howls at the alarm so he will wake me up!

So my best friend came with her girlfriend(?) and her son. I showed her son my Lego and he wants to be like me when he grows up!

I should have known but she wanted me to do something for her. What a surprise but I’ll be asleep anyway, I’ll be on nightshift.

I managed to mask while she was here and I’ve cooked dinner but I’m not really ok.

Im so close to crying it’s ridiculous. I’ve just got nothing. I’m empty.

I don’t even have the energy for thoughts. It’s been a big day and I’m emotionally exhausted.

I have to work tomorrow but I desperately don’t want to. How do I recover from today by 4:30 in the morning?

Im safe.

@Captain24 oh sweet, I'm sorry it's been so tough for you.

I know how hard and exhausting it is to mask and the fact that you even managed to cook dinner after that is impressive so well done.

It's ok to cry sweet but I understand how you feel about it, just know that if those tears do start to flow it's ok.

Are you in bed yet sweetheart? I'm hoping you can get a good night's rest before work tomorrow.

Sending you hugs sweet, I'm here for you ❤️

I’m just trying to talk myself off the lounge to go and have a shower. @MissGremlin

My dogs are giving me the shits. They barked the whole time my friend was here, they don’t like kids. Now they are out the back barking.

Im a real mess.

Something my psych said today is that maybe this isn’t the hormones but a bipolar depression off the back of my manic episode. I think she is right. When she pointed it out it feels the same. This could take a while.

@Captain24 sending some motivation your way sweet, you've got this.

Oh that's really frustrating that they barked the whole time, I think that would completely overwhelm me so I can only imagine how you are feeling.

It's possible that your psych may be right but either way we'll get through it, we are all here for you sweet ❤️

Hiya folks!! @Captain24 @Flutterbug9 @AlwaysMyself @MissGremlin

First off, I adore that eastern rosellas are your fav bird Cap!! I think you may have told me this before... 😅 But they really are just so so pretty, and omg the little squeaks they make are ADORABLE!! Excellent choice of fav bird! If I had to pick.... hmm I do love owls, tawny frogmouths are right up there for me! But so are wedge-tailed eagles and king parrots... 🦉🐦🦅

Also appreciate y'all sharing about your experiences of gender too!! I think it's definitely a snapshot of just how much women and AFAB people are socialised/conditioned into looking and behaving in very particular ways. Personally I don't believe that you need to identify as trans or nonbinary to still want to reject those perceived notions of what femininity is 'supposed' to be.

I'm a lot like you Cap - no make up, oversized men's clothes, and only wearing a (sports) bra if I absolutely have to! 😋

So hey, if you say that playing rugby in a dress is true femininity, then it is!! Love that haha

I also think that women and AFAB people have been conditioned to not display our anger too. So I can very much understand why it might be a struggle to express and process those kinds of feelings!! We're sorta taught that we have to be demure, submissive, placating... but this is why I think the Feminist movement kicked off in the first place - women deciding that we had suppressed our rage for long enough! Anger is I think a tough emotion because a) we have been taught that it is 'wrong' to display it so we don't always know how to do so in a healthy way, and b) anger is often closely associated with aggression and violence (because we aren't taught other ways to express it!) and so it can feel 'wrong' to feel angry.

@Flutterbug9 I do totally get the 'force of habit' thing. I think it relates back to how we're socialised and the very strong messaging we're all exposed to from a young age about how we're 'supposed' to act, based on whether we get a little F or a little M on our birth certificate. It genuinely takes time to unlearn things that have become so ingrained that we may not even realise that this widely accepted 'fact' (e.g. that girls want pink/floral/frilly clothes) doesn't actually suit who we are. I definitely felt out of place the first time I went shopping in the 'men's' section!

Always happy to sit with you (and anyone else reading along!) to chat about gender stuff. It's hard to try to figure it all out on your own, especially in today's world where trans folk are being targeted so viciously. On that note, if it feels safer to continue identifying with the gender you were assigned at birth, please do so - no shame in it! 😉

Hope you all have a fab Tuesday night hehe 💜

Thanks @MissGremlin

Ive had a shower and now im in bed. doing my best to not cry.

It just all hurts so much.

Im hoping she is wrong but i know deep down that see is right. She did do the whole you’ve gotten through this before’ speech. She is right in that obviously it’s just hard to get through. I know it will end, it could take a couple of weeks or it could take a couple of months. It’s just not easy to get through.

I can’t respond right now @Jynx. I’m sorry. I’ll try tomorrow night after I get home from work.

Im just really not ok. I told my psych everything today, what I’ve been feeling and what I’ve been thinking. So it’s been a big tough and I’m struggling with it.

I just feel like crying but I can’t and won’t let it happen. I really wish I could though, I think I need it.

Im that bad that I don’t even have any SI thoughts, I really couldn’t care any less right now. I don’t have the energy too.