I can’t cope

I get that. When we do things that aren't a familiar pattern or habit, they can feel quite strange at first. I would be curious to see how this evolves and changes over time, as it becomes more comfortable in your body. @Captain24

I really want to validate that how you are feeling is understandable with all you have going on. I also want to note that this feeling won't be forever, okay? I am quite worried about your safety tonight. Are you able to reach out to Lifeline or Suicide Callback Service for more support? It sounds like having someone to help with co-regulation will help so much. 💛 Can you please let me know what you will do to keep yourself safe tonight?

You have done something really wonderful for yourself today, so let's check-in tomorrow and look at how you can keep exploring gentleness, whilst also creating meaning for yourself throughout the day. Does that sound like a plan? ☺️

The thing I’m worried about is that I’ll go too far and end up doing nothing but be in bed or on the lounge. That’s what happens when I don’t keep pushing myself to be busy. I need to find the middle ground but everything is all or nothing with me @AuntGlow

It feels like it just getting worse so it’s hard to see that it can get better. I’m going in the wrong direction

I’ve just gotten into bed. So I’ll be safe. Bed feels like safety to me. It’s hard having to constantly fight with myself whether to give in or not. But tonight is not the night.

That does sound like a plan. I really need help with it. Please. Only if you have the time.

I’ve been laying here in bed awake since 4:30. Been trying everything to go back to sleep but nothing is working.

Im not feeling so good. I’m having thoughts. Yesterday was an ok day and I thought that maybe I was back on the up of getting through this. But it appears not. Did everything right so why didn’t it work? I was even gentle with myself.

I have a couple of things to do today, not much really in my eyes but maybe in others it is. I would start it now but I think it’s a bit early to start bathing the dogs and I definitely can’t mow the lawn. I can’t change my bedlinen as I have to bath them first or I will never catch Pix to put her in there. She is a shocker to catch when she knows she is having a bath and I always change my bedlinen when I bath them.

so what do I do? Just lay here with all those thoughts? I’m tired and want to just sleep. Sleep lets me forget.

Maybe after writing this and looking around I might get back to sleep. I can only hope.

I am safe. It’s just really intrusive thoughts.

Hello @Captain24 my sweet, I'm sorry you are awake with thoughts. I am here if you'd like to talk about anything. Sending you lots of love and hugs ❤️.

Hey @MissGremlin

I’m sorry you are awake also.

I know you aren’t feeling comfortable on here so it’s ok if you want to tap out. I don’t want to put any pressure on you.

@Captain24 it's ok sweet, i wouldn't offer if I wasn't feeling up for it.

I'm laying here listening to a magpie outside while Casper is laying on my legs.

I can see the sun coming through the sides of my blind. Pix is near my feet and Jett is in her the covers laying against my belly. @MissGremlin

How are you?

@Captain24 there's no sun coming up here just yet, which I'm glad of cos it's going to be 36⁰ here today. Awww love how they are both so close ❤️.

I'm tired and things are feeling really heavy but I'll be ok.

It’s pretty loving @MissGremlin. They both love being near me.

They are sound asleep.

Im sorry you are tired and heavy.

It’s pretty cold here today, it’s only supposed to be 25.

How long has it been since you felt sort of ok? How long has this heaviness been going on?

@Captain24 animals are such loyal companions.

Oh can we trade weather's for the day 😂.

Honestly it's been a while since I've even remotely felt kind of ok, every now and then I'll have a moment, maybe even an hour where I think things are ok. But then it all comes crashing down, it's hard to enjoy those moments cos i know what's coming so I'm always waiting for it. As for the heaviness, I don't even want to say cos I'm ashamed of how long it's been going on for. (I'm safe).