I can’t cope

Hehehe. Getting out sounds good. And as I've said before, you don't know how much longer your mum can do it. I know it's hard to get along sometimes, but when you think about it, you know she cares.

So the dogs go with you? Isn't it too busy for the dogs? People might step on them?

I was in the sun overseas of 5 weeks... nothing happened. I was in the sun for 3 hours yesterday - got sunburnt... that's Australian sun for you!

I wanted to go to the beach yesterday and take the kids, but I didnt' have a car. So I took Ruby to the park and invited neighbourhood kids. About 6 families came.

Routine? Getting there slowly. But not the kids. My eldest niece is still sleeping at midnight. She talks and talks and talks to me! I hate having her in my bed. I tell her to go back to her own bed all the time. But then I feel sorry for her, so I end up letting her stay in mine.

In a way, today sounds a bit better for you. I hope it stays that way. Sorry about the annoyances that have come with the surgery! When is the next surgery? @Captain24

I know.. mum isn’t going to be here forever. She has actually gotten a bit better after not getting good results with my surgery. She wants me to talk to my cousin that was recently diagnosed with uterine cancer and had to have a hysterectomy. At this stage my surgery is in May. But I see the gyno the day after I get back from holidays and I will see what the scan showed up and I guess it goes from there. More unknown. Everything is so up in the air with this medical mess. I’m not usually a worrier but everything so far has gone wrong. I just want answers and I want them now. I don’t like this whole grey area. On a positive note.. I haven’t had any blood loss for two whole days! @tyme

The dogs will go but they will be in the pram. It’s safer and easier. Pix has to be in the pram anyway so she doesn’t get too hot. Even though it’s cold today. It’s only 27 degrees.

Australian sun is just so different. I didn’t realise that until I went to Spain. I went a really dark brown over there and never got burnt once even though we were out all day in 40+ degrees. I hope the sunburn isn’t too bad. Aloe Vera gel??? But did you all have a good time? How was Ruby when you all got home? Maybe you will have time for a beach day this coming week? I get to go to the beach in 3 weeks! So excited!!

I guess it’s harder for kids as they don’t get that they need to work on it to get it back to normal. You poor thing.. I’m sure all you want is some sleep in peace. It amazes me that people have so much to talk about out all the time! She must really love you. It must be really nice (but annoying) to have someone want to be with you so much. I think that having someone want to be in bed with you is amazing. For me it shows the closeness of your relationship.

Today is feeling a bit better. I’m working on it. I’m slowly going through my list instead of pushing myself so hard, like I have been. I’ve been really relentless on myself. I’ve been down right horrible to myself. Taking things slowly is a bit of a struggle but I’m trying. I’ve been doing stuff off my SP as well to try and maintain it for the day.

Do you have any plans for after you knock off?

Phew! Glad they are in a pram! You post just reminded me about Pix and Jett prone to heatstroke! I hope the pram has a visor for them.

I feel like bodies 'change' around 20, 40 and 60 years old. There seems to be a bit of jump in terms of things going wrong - back pain, knee pain, stomach issues, uterus issues... geez! Our bodies become more fragile and the things you could due earlier on, you can't anymore.

After having a fall and spraining my ankles and knees, I had to be so careful while walking when overseas. I felt like an old lady! Now I know how it feels to be worried about falling. I read a research paper once that risk of falling was one of the greatest concerns for the elderly...

As for my niece.. she is soooo annoying! I told her last night that she's just plain lazy... To be fair, she talks on the same level as adults..but that's it. She doesn't lift a finger. She said to me, "When I grow up, I want to be a CEO"... lol. I said, "Of what? How-to-be-lazy-and-not-work-club?"

Oh, did I tell you that my bag arrived last night? The lost bag?

I don't have any plans for later today. Don't know what I'm doing yet. Maybe a walk to the park with the kids and dog? @Captain24

When are you coming back tonight?

The pram has a visor and I put an ice pack in there to keep Pix cool! She is such a worry. @tyme. Especially with the recent heat wave. But at least it was mostly on my days off so she was here instead of at mums. Mum can’t keep her house cool.

Im in my late 40’s and can see a big difference. I still keep pushing myself like I did in my younger years!

Did you recover pretty quick or was it painful the whole time? Falls can be scary and make you realise how careful we need to be. Both my parents are having a few more falls but so far have been reasonably ok. When I got my mattress a couple of years ago the sides are really hard. That’s because a lot of falls in the elderly are from putting their shoes and socks on while sitting on the edge of the bed. With the harder side walls it’s harder for the walls to collapse resulting in falling off the edge of the bed! My nan had a fall once that broker her neck!

At least you can have proper conversations with her. The lazy thing is really hard though. I was really lazy as a kid (well still am!) but I never did anything so when it came to moving out and having my own place I didn’t actually know what to do or how to clean it. I never put anything away and the whole place was always a mess. I did get a little better but until I moved into this place a few years ago, I was always really messy and untidy!

Im glad you got it back! I know you don’t stress but I would have.

A walk sounds good and the kids and Ruby will love it. Just getting out and doing something will be nice.

We are going at 6:45 but will probably only be there about 30 mins so not late. I’ll be home before 7:30. But at least it’s an outing.

My third load of washing has just finished and so has my dishwasher, maybe I’ll sort those out and get off the lounge!

Oh.. I ordered mini Lego from Kmart the other day. Plus a stack off Temu. The Temu ones look a little scary. The instructions aren’t really clear!

Good you've got an icepack for Pix and Jett. It's so stressful. But it's good you are only going to be 30 mins or so.

Actually, when I call my niece lazy, I have to be careful because it's more ADHD. You can see it. Her brain is everywhere. My sister is starting her back up on these supplements that seemed to have helped a lot. Only issue is that she refuses to take them. She is very similar to her dad - maybe that's why they don't get a long. My niece was telling me that if her mum died, her house would be chaotic if left to her dad... and yes, it would be! Oh well.. live and learn.. let's see what becomes of her.

As for the temu order of lego, I got the sea animal ones. I find the lack of clarity makes the lego more challenging because the Lego lego is too easy. I've got so many boxes of Lego branded lego, and they are too easy, even the ones for adults. Yet the mini brick temu ones are perfect - annoying, but not so annoying that you can't cope. @Captain24

My sister bought one kmart one and it wasn't very good at all. So I'm not getting any of those - but that's my opinion. I'd be interested to hear how you find the kmart one.

They are well looked after! Lol. @tyme. I’ve just order Pix a cooling bed for when we go away. To put it in the car and hopefully keep her cool while travelling. Plus she is going to get extremely hot while we are away. I’ve brought extra ice packs to have ready to go and spares so we can keep her cool as much as possible. Plus I’m packing some face washers to wet and put in the freezer to put in her tummy to try and keep her cool and to cool her down when she gets too hot.

The ADHD is hard. Especially when you can see it. I’m guessing that’s where my laziness came from as a kid. Oh.. and still does. The autism makes it extra hard though as it craves routines and the adhd doesn’t! Hopefully she will take them. It’s hard when they are so alike. It would frustrate me if he didn’t do anything. Mum and dad both have their chores that they do so they work together to clean the house.

I ordered the sea creatures too. I’ll see how it goes. Hopefully it’s not too annoying. The prices are really little though! I like the fact that Lego is reasonably easy as it means I don’t need to think a lot. I have been doing a lot of the smaller ones though as I’ve been getting a bit bored with the longer ones. It takes lingering to have a finished product. Having to think may be a good challenge though.

I’ll see how the Kmart ones go. I only ordered 2 to see.

Hello lovely! @Captain24

How has today been for you?

I'm so sorry to hear work has been heavy for you and I am so proud of you for continuously showing up for yourself. I am wondering what you might need in those moments where work feels extra hard?

It does make sense and I can understand why you would be so incredibly fed up and overwhelmed with just how many challenges you have faced with your health - it's so much to process and hold. Sending big, healing hugs your way. 🫶

How have your alarms and medications been going? ☺️

So I have been really gentle with myself today. I have got a reasonable amount done. Not as much as I usually push myself though.

I didn’t get the lawns mowed because I went to the markets. I know that that’s ok as I whipper snippered everything and weeded the garden so all I have to do tomorrow is mow it. Plus bath the dogs and change my bedlinen.

Even though I was gentle and allowed myself time to rest in between I’m feeling exhausted now.

My head is really messing with me. The thoughts are loud and dark. I did well to keep them all at bay all day but now they have hit with a vengeance. It’s loud and it hurts. The pain in feeling is insurmountable.

What do I do next? I’ve tried really hard to be gentle but that doesn’t seem to work either. What am I getting wrong? I’m now wondering if it’s even worth trying? Is it even worth going on?

I just wrote this as you posted @AuntGlow

I don’t know what to do with work just keep going and put up with it. Thursday night was a really hard night and so was the travel there and back.

The alarms have been going reasonably well and I’ve been trying to stop everything and take my meds when they go off instead of thinking I’ll do it when I’m finished what I’m doing.

How are you going?

It made smile reading that you were gentle with yourself - what was that experience like? @Captain24

I am also curious to know what allowed you to explore gentleness today?

I think feeling exhausted is really reflective of where you're at, and it makes so much sense, your body is going through a lot. 🫶

I know these thoughts are very loud right now, so what might help to keep you safe tonight?

I can absolutely understand why these doubts might be coming up for you - maybe we can challenge them or give them some perspective? For example, would it be helpful to notice them as a familiar pattern? And that it will take some time for things to feel a little more balanced?

We often need to practice things like slowing down for a bit before our nervous system catches up - and that is completely normal.

Look at you go! I am so glad the alarms are helping - this is such a wonderful win. 🥰

It was unusual @AuntGlow It felt odd.

Things have been really rough. My passive SI has turned towards more active SI. I’m safe but not always. Work wasn’t a distraction like normal. Everything is getting me down. Life isn’t working out. I have kind of given up. It was gentle but more out of necessity. What I’ve been doing up and until now isn’t working. I really just gave up trying.

It is a familiar pattern but it’s becoming worse. It will take time I just have to try and stick it out. I’m guessing the only thing I can do is go to bed. It’s all I’ve got. I don’t know how else to do it. I’ve lost control and I’ve lost hope.

I need a lot of practice. I don’t have a lot to do tomorrow just bath both dogs, change the bed linen and now the lawns. Then Monday I have nothing.

They are helping at the moment. I just need to keep stopping everything and take them. Not get distracted.