I can’t cope

That’s the last 2 hours. The first hour wasn’t much better. I should have known it was going to be a bad night.

I left town and it was sunny with storm clouds in the distance. 5 minutes out and it started to get windy. I was on the phone to mom and said that I thought we may get a storm.

Driving along and I get stuck behind a car going 70 in a 100 zone. That frustrated me. Then I was about 10 minutes out and that car pulled off onto another road. I said to mum that there was little spots of rain on my windscreen. About 2 minutes later I go ‘oh shit!’ Mum asked if that noise was hail? Yes it was.. it passed and mum asked if it was still hailing as she could hear it. Nope.. it was pouring with rain, so loud I could barely hear her. I said ‘I can’t see’ Iy was raining that hard that I could barely see the lights of the car in front. I couldn’t pull over as I could see to do so and it’s a country road so not very safe. It all passed.

Then mum goes ‘What?!’ ‘Where?!’ ‘When!?’

I asked her what was happening and I started to panic a little as I could hear it in her voice. She told me she was talking to the neighbour. Then I heard her say ‘it needs to be relocated in 3 different pieces’ I just yelled.. get my dogs inside. The neighbours had a brown snake in their yard and it went under the shed that sides onto mum and dad’s place! So we don’t know where it is.

Then I get to work and it starts pouring with rain again. We waited for a bit and went out to work. I was under my 2 favourite things again. A truck got loaded and drove off through a big hole but made it easy enough. The second truck got loaded and drove off. I followed that truck around to get loaded myself and look outside my offside window and that truck was reversing. I said over the two way that I was behind him… no answer.. kept reversing. I got on the 2 way and screamed stop! Stop! Stop! Finally he stopped reversing. There was less than a metre between us! That rocked me a little. I was just doing as I should have been but because he got stuck he didn’t think and then just tried to reverse himself out!

All this in an hour of leaving home!

The middle of the shift wasn’t much better.

Sorry for the long winded posts but I really just needed to get it all out. Trying to unwind myself from the stress, the anger and the fear. It has been a long and rough night.

Now I need to hang my washing and go to bed before I let anymore creep over me. My thoughts were already rough and got worse during the night, then worse with the other shit. I can’t take anymore. I’m on the verge of a complete breakdown right now.

Sorry for venting. Just trying to help myself.

Oh @Captain24 my sweet. That sounds like an incredibly stressful night and I'm not surprised that you feel on the verge of a complete breakdown. I just want you to know that I hear you and I'm sitting with you sweetheart. The night is over and I really hope you can find some rest now. Sending you gentle hugs sweet ❤️.

Hey @MissGremlin

Thank you. There is a whole pile of other stuff in the middle but it’s not as bad as the start and finish. It definitely hasn’t been an easy night.

Im going to head to bed and see if I can get some sleep. I can’t sleep when I’m angry though. I’m slowly unwinding though.

Thanks for listening to me and just being here.

@Captain24 i hear your sweet. Just know that the night is over and you did so well to get through it all. Try to relax your mind and body and allow yourself to just rest ❤️

I just got my order from eBay and the boxes look similar to yours but they are all covered in stickers so it’s hard to tell @Flutterbug9 Where did you get yours from? I got the sea animals collection. That one piece of paper for instructions looks difficult!

The shelves for my unit slide in. They look like an H and just slip in. I got my unit from Bunnings and they seem the shelves that fit it.

I have been reading through a lot of stuff and I am surprised but impressed that you can build a house!!! That is amazing!

I also love that you use to do girl guides. I wanted to do brownies and girl guides but mum told me I wouldn’t like it. She told me that about a lot of stuff. Both of them still tell me what I like and what I don’t like. They treat me like their young child, not a grown adult..

Im sorry your pain is coming back. I hope it isn’t as debilitating?

Hey @Jynx

Thanks for sharing your journey. With us.

This may take a couple of posts as I don’t have the brain capacity to remember several posts and one comment! A bit of overload and overwhelm happening!

I relate to a fair bit of what you have said.

I was a tomboy but I wore dresses as that’s what mum made me wear. I’d be out the backyard playing tackle football in a dress. That’s an image for you. 😜

I did have the girlie toys but I was a girl so that’s what I got. I’ve never really been into much. I played with the toys mine or my brothers but was never overly obsessed with either his or mine. Mum would say I was obsessed with Barbies but she just kept buying them for birthdays and Christmas. I did have dolls that we use to play with but I guess stuffed toys were my favourite. They were kind of neutral and weren’t pinks or blues.

A lot of my upbringing was because I was told as to who I was and so controlled as to who I was. I was a girl so I wore dresses and I played with dolls. Plus more on a different level. (This has just opened some wounds)

Once I was able to try and have a say in what I wore it was always shorts and t-shirts. I would say I was about 14ish.

I have never been feminine at all. I always thought of myself as ‘Butch’ too. I do have shoulder length hair with blonde foils, that gets tied into a ponytail and just left. That’s about the only feminine thing about me. I don’t wear make up, I don’t even have any. I’ve owned 3 formal dresses ever and I’m late 40’s. Anywhere I go, if I can’t wear jeans then I don’t go. No dressing up, no looking pretty, no nothing.

I live in shorts and tops. Not to much crew neck as I don’t like things around my neck. But definitely not revealing. Men’s oversized tracksuits is my winter go to! That is so good, they a loose and comfy and I can go out without a bra on!!!! Oh and also my men’s flanny shirts..

I do think I’m female. But just don’t look it or act it. I do think I’m butch and definitely not ‘girly’. I do despise being called a ‘lady’. That is too girly for me and I don’t like it. I don’t like being treated like a girl either. I’d rather be one of the blokes.

I do often wonder what it would be like for me if I was 20 years younger. How would I identify? As it’s not a definite. Especially if I hadn’t been so brainwashed and controlled as a child and now. If I was able to be who I was not who I was told to be. Im thinking it would be more non-binary. Just not fit anywhere. I don’t fit now really.

Im not sure that any of that makes any sense. I’m sorry if it’s just a jumbled mess but it was what was just coming out of me head.

We need the rain @Jynx we aren’t in drought yet but have drought conditions. It’s getting pretty dire out here. I would have stood in it if I could have!

You are so lucky to have such a ‘mostly’ supportive family. That would have made a hard time a little easier when you were expected for who you are.

Are you still the fun crazy aunt or has that been edited? 😜

I get the top surgery. I do hope that you are able to one day get it done. Just for you to feel more comfortable.

Thank you for sharing your journeys @Flutterbug9 @AlwaysMyself so much is making sense to me and I am getting a deeper understanding of you all.

@Captain24 @MissGremlin Quote for external Zipscreen blinds done, heaps less than I was dreading. Need to complete a request form for head office of where I live and submit everything. Then comes the unknown period of time waiting to know if approval will be given or not. If approved, need to have an electrician install an external power point (only have one external PowerPoint in location that can be used).

I got all my mini brick characters from Temu @Captain24

When you are ready to work on one, I’m happy to help.

if works for you, maybe take a photo of the instructions and post on here. Doing anything new for the first time can be daunting and un nerving. Everything with the car and recently at work sounds like it left you very unsettled. Maybe wait a bit until you are feeling better within yourself before starting one of the animals. I usually keep the box close by and compare the photo of the box to what I’ve done for comparison, especially if I’m not sure about something.

think combination of stress, lack of proper rest and doing too much was cause of my pain. Haven’t done much yesterday or today and feeling lot better.

yesterday I collected the MOC Cafe Corner that I’d ordered from EBay. Hugs amount of sealed pages with small white numbering. Need to go out for short while. Might do a couple of steps from the instruction booklet after I get back

the last 2 rooms of my childhood home my dad and a male neighbour built over a couple of years. By time I was in mid primary school I was helping my dad with other rooms in the house that were not finished including doing most of the nailing of trims, door frames etc with hardly ever hitting my fingers.

Ive laid tongue and groovy floor boards, floating floorboards, melamine boards. By time I was early teenager my dad had taught me how to build the wooden frames, securely fastening bracing between each piece of wood.

mid primary school and my dad had taught me how to harvest the ripe sunflower seeds and feed them to the 2 rosellas we had.

so many different things my dad taught me before he became unwell.

Hello sweet @Flutterbug9, glad the quote is done and that's a bonus that it's less than expected. Hopefully you can get the approval and within a reasonable time frame.

How's your day going?

Hello @Captain24 my sweet, how are you feeling now, did you get a bit of rest?

I read all that but the last thing stuck in my mind and I had to reply straight away! @Flutterbug9

You Had Rosellas???? Eastern ones??? I had an eastern rosella! They are my favourite bird!

Anyway now back to the less serious part! 😜

Im glad the quote was good for you. I’m hoping it gets approved quickly for you and you can organise to get it done, so much better for you and the kitties.

The box is covered in stickers so I can’t really see it. It looks really overwhelming so I do think I need to wait a bit. I’ve just written myself a job list for Saturday, Sunday and Tuesday. I haven’t written on for Monday in the hope that I will finally allow myself a me day. Maybe we can look at it then. Help would be awesome. Maybe when I’ve I pull it out of the box it and start it it won’t be as bad as I think!

Yes definitely not in the right headspace for anything new right now. I’m still pretty shaken and angry. Then I’m angry at myself for allowing myself to get angry and preventing me from getting much sleep.

I have to go around to mums to pick up Jett’s food and then I might try and have another nap.

Oh that’s good! Well that sounds bad but I’m meaning that you feel better so maybe it was about your wellbeing and not your actually pain. Sorry I’m not making much sense at all today! To much following around and limited sleep.

Is the MOC cafe corner a Lego kind of thing?

That is amazing that you were able to help and allowed to help. That you could do so much at such a young age. I guess it’s skills that stick with you too.

It sounds like you cherished the time learning from your father before it all happened. Most of your memories are tainted but at least you can hold onto the ones from before. The real him.