I can’t cope

@Captain24 The white cube storage unit that you have some of your Lego in, do the additional shelves slide in and out or do they have to be secured?

I’ve got 2 of the units which I use in built in wardrobe in front room. I’ve got drawers in some, part of which I had to secure to the respective cube hence my question

thinking of emptying them one of the 4 x 1 cube units

ive got in the garage, buying some packs of shelves and puting my mini brick animals on them. I’ve got some of the shallow display shelves (see photo) that I’m repurposing and using with the mini brick animals

Ahaha woops I came past, delivered a bunch of support, then disappeared (had to do some training lol) - my B!

Anyway, I am always happy to talk about my gender journey @Captain24 @AlwaysMyself @Flutterbug9 @MissGremlin 😊

I think very much like you @AlwaysMyself I have always felt disconnected from the stereotypical 'female' stuff - refused to wear dresses, was a tomboy, wanted to play with action figures or stuffed animals instead of dolls, etc.

I came out as a lesbian when I was 15, and for about a decade I just thought of myself as 'butch'. In my mid-20's I had made a couple of trans friends which had definitely opened my eyes to other possibilities when it came to gender expression. Interestingly, I was reading 'The Gender Issue' of (I think) TIME Magazine and in an interview, this trans person was talking about how they'd always felt like gender was a box they'd been put into but never felt like they fit. It was just like all these gears slid into place in my brain and I was like 'Oh... OH. Oh my...'

I feel very lucky that the only dysphoria I've really had is around my chest/breasts. The weird part is I didn't really have it prior to coming out as nonbinary (NB). I never liked my chest, but I also think my gender dysphoria around having breasts actually had me confused about my sexuality moreso than actively hating them - lemme explain!

Since I'd come out as lesbian at a young age, I had always been confused about why I was, upon occasion, seemingly attracted to men. I was kinda fixated on their chests, but never actually had romantic feelings towards any of the men in my life. So it was super confusing until late one night (maybe 6 months after coming out as NB) I was lying in bed thinking about the conversation I'd been having about medical transition with a friend - she'd asked me if I wanted to do any HRT or anything. I'd never considered it but yeah it was another one of those Aha! moments where I realised I actually really hated having breasts!! Suddenly, being able to imagine myself with a flat chest made me covet it, and it was almost like a bunch of dysphoria 'caught up' to me, cos I started noticing oh, I don't own any low cut tops, oh I hate wearing bras, oh how I wish I could walk around shirtless... I have not really had any moments of doubt since then that I want top surgery. Just a matter of saving up enough money to go get em taken away!! 😉

I could probably ramble about all sorts of other things, like how people reacted, the way my gender expression is kinda inherently political, navigating pronouns and bathrooms and reactions of relatives - but I feel like I'd be here typing a few more hours!! So if you wanna know more please do ask!

Hope you've had a chill day today gang 😁

Thanks heaps for being so open @Jynx

reading and my mind is saying … yes, yes, yes, that is so familiar.

Decades of wearing dresses or skirts as told I’m a girl and therefore have to. Happiest in shorts (when much, much younger), jeans, trousers, tshirts that are oversized with crew neck only.

never interested in makeup, cooking or other girlie things.

remember my mum saying I was always dads girl, even as toddler wanting to be with him doing everything he did. When working on childhood home, I was the son my parents never had. Girlie things or building/renovating a house, I’m there with all the tools ready to start building.

physical body changes, I’ve never felt comfortable. Felt I was ‘different’ than should be

Hi @Jynx @Flutterbug9 @MissGremlin @AlwaysMyself

Exciting news!!! We got 11 mils of rain in town! Hopefully it was wide spread over the farmers too.

I have to favourite units at work that I like to work under. I was under both of them last night. We had a lot of rain out the last night so the roads were really wet and took a lot of concentration driving on them. I didn’t have time to think but I am mentally exhausted and physically sore from holding on to the steering wheel and being tense all night.

@Jynx Thanks so much for sharing. I relate to a lot and I’ll respond to it tomorrow afternoon after I sleep.

I will respond to everyone tomorrow as well. I don’t have time now as I need to go to bed to do it all again tonight and won’t have time when I wake up.

Im sorry that I need to leave it until then. I feel a little bad but I just can’t help it.

I hope everyone had an ok sleep and that today is the best that it’s able to be for you all. Hoping that you all find just a moment of peace or a small glimmer.

My glimmer was the rain and that I was too busy to think last night. I’m doing my best not to think now. I’ve been busy since I walked in the door and now I’m going to have a shower and go to bed by 8:30.

Sorry again everyone

Have a fantastic sleep @Captain24 . Do good to hear you were working under the units you like to work under 🥰 - exactly what you needed!!

Yay for effective distractions too, and a healthy dose of rain for the land.

Sleep well and long. And no stress about timeframes for replies. Keave it as long as you want or need - put yourself first. And that includes time for you to just enjoy a hobby too!

Thank you so much for sharing @Jynx , and also @Flutterbug9 your reflections too. Very interesting and relatable in many aspects to both of you.

I am all fingers and toes crossed for you @Jynx on the savings goal 😊 and hoping nothing unexpected comes up to interfere with that progress. I am wondering whether private health insurance (after the 12mth waiting period) can cover the bulk of the costs?

From memory it has to be quite severe dysphoria for medicare to pay for surgery - is that correct? ☹️

I would be very interested to hear your journey since the decision has been.

Realistically i can imagine people's reactions would have been quite mixed -- but so good that you had that friend with their own experience of transitioning and no doubt they would have been supportive and able to celebrate you claiming who you really are, and rebutting the negative judgements of those who didnt "get" you.

Ooh bathrooms, yes. Gosh. I really get prickled when i hear people (read: my father 🤣) going on about how they are anti- unisex bathrooms. I get that some females with trauma may feel vulnerable in an enclosed space (bathroom) with males, and so i'm also not against options for separate ones too.

One of the local schools i have volunteered at has an "any-gender" toilet 😊 (single bathroom, not a shared multi-cubical room). I think individual any-gender cubicals that are in an open/safe space are a great idea - i remember that some train stations in Germany had individual toilet cubicles off the main concourse the first time i went there, no need for a shared hand-washing space. I dont understand why this doesnt become the safe-for-everyone norm... 🤔

I’m awake but really tired. I just got up and took something to help me try and get some more sleep. What did I find? I forgot to take my night meds. No wonder my sleep is shit. I’m having really big problems remembering to take my meds right now. I forgot my adhd meds at work last night too. I think something is wrong with me. I’m not usually this bad. It’s been happening for a couple of weeks. I’ll get into bed and remember I haven’t taken them. I’m suppose to take them when I eat. Is this all mixed in with the hormones that are messing with me? Am I starting to get dementia early? Am I just losing control? Am I just useless? I feel like an idiot that I just can’t get things right. Hopefully I can go back to sleep for an hour. It’s going to make for a really long night. I don’t know if I can do it.

Oh sweet @Captain24, when there's so much going on it's easy to forget things. If you are worried about it then it's worth mentioning to your gp. Can you try to set an alarm to remind yourself?

I'm sorry I'm really not quite with it today myself but I'm here for you as much as I can be. Sending you hugs ❤️

Hope you can get back to sleep again @Captain24 .

When my depression mood is thick, my memory for things like medication decreases a lot too. The number of times i have forgotten my medication in the past year... more times than previously in my whole life combined!

I have a daily alarm set to remind me to take my dinnertime medication (and to feed to dogs lol).

Worth mentioning to your gp when you next seem them though - even just for their awareness, but also for symptom monitoring.

A friend described the difference between dementia and forgetfulness to me in an interesting way last year. They said "forgetfulness is forgetting where you put your car keys. Dementia is forgetting what car keys are."

I am slowly seeing the change from forgetfulness to dementia in my grandma over the years. Last year she couldnt figure out how to change the temperature on the wall heater (which she has had for over 20 years) - it has an up and a down button, and an on/off button -- very simple/basic interface. She couldn't figure it out until shown again (after which she realised "thats right!"). She is very old though, so she is still doing very well for her age despite this decline.

I hope with some quality sleep your memory and mood will improve an inch. And over time continue to overall improve (acknowledging sometimes its a bit of a bump ride some days!)

I didn’t get anymore sleep. I’ve had 4 hours and 46 minutes. I’m devastated as I usually sleep really well on these day sleeps. It helps me function through the night and I enjoy sleeping without the dogs. @AlwaysMyself @MissGremlin

Im about to have some dinner and I’m thinking I might try and remember to take my adhd meds in extra doses. Safe amount!! I’ve set alarms in my phone for my night meds and adhd meds for my days off and I’m going to try and set alarms on my watch for work for the adhd ones.

Mum nan started with forgetting things @AlwaysMyself. Turn the stove top on and forget to cook dinner. Forgetting people or their names, just general forgetfulness before it became worse. My great grandmother was the same however she died of old age before her dementia go to extreme. Nan actually died of her dementia. This is why I often think about it. I’m prone to it with my meds and illness and then on top of that, family history.

I don’t have a gp appointment booked anytime soon. It’s hard to get into as well. He does want me to see a different gp for perimenopause hormones but I’m not sure there is anything we can do about that until all the surgical hormones are sorted. I see my gyno in 4 weeks so I don’t what else he wants to do with hormones or where we are going with my whole female health stuff after having my scan. So that’s all up in the air.

Maybe just too much is going on in my head? I don’t know? I guess there isn’t much room left for day to day things. Hopefully it’s just too much stress and depression that’s causing it.

I really am feeling a lot of hopelessness and I lot of really negative stuff about myself. Other than just the plain hatred. Sorry for using that word but that is the only one to describe it. I have been very careful with using a similar word in everything that I write. Trying to think of other people’s feelings over the word.

Im sorry you are still struggling so much @MissGremlin. It’s ok to not be able to say much. Just knowing that you are there is enough and even if you can’t be I completely understand. You NEED to put yourself first, before anyone else. You are the most important person to you!