I can’t cope

Morning @Captain24, just trying to catch up on posts now. How are you feeling sweet?

Hello @Flutterbug9 @AlwaysMyself ☺️.

During last year I started to remember things I’d block for decades. Some things as brains way of protecting and others as too many memories for child brain to deal with.

last year I started to remember some of the blocked memories. Majority showing me where the root of current day MH issues. Things that I also wish I didn’t remember.

memories from as early as preschooler living in a house that for some unknown reason, approx 10yrs after their marriage, my parents had never had organised to have painted and connected to services. A house that was only half built with everything staying that way until I was almost finished primary school. Memories of everything I wore and everywhere I went was decided for me and knowing not to disagree with.

I know by time I started school at 4 1/2 I was masking and have from then on.

I grew up in and have always lived in suburbia.

I have an understanding of country town life though.

My dad and his ancestors were born and lived in small country towns in area that overlaps SA, VIC border. Sheep stations where shopping was done once a mth as was couple hrs drive one way. Towns with populations less than 2,000.

That’s so hard to remember @Flutterbug9. Most of my memories are blocked or not really good. I haven’t worked on trying to open them yet. Something may trigger something and then a memory will come back.

It sounds really rough, the living circumstances, the so much control, the not being able to be who you are. I’m not sure what to say but I want you to know that I listened and heard you and hold you. The mask is hard, it’s always been there and you haven’t been able to express yourself.

Out country town has about 10 000 people now but still really small in the shopping facilities and also hasn’t grown with the people. Until the last couple of years the was only around 6000. Covid bought an influx of city people and has changed some of the heart of the town. But in saying that there is still a big heart from the people that have lived here for a long time.

I’ve just gotten into bed. The dogs have been dropped off, all 3 meals a day are done for the next 2 days. Lunch done and night meds taken.

Im tired and should sleep but I actually feel sick with the sense of dread. I’m not sure if it’s because I’ll wake up eventually, because I have to go to work or just because. It’s not a great feeling though.

Maybe I will just sleep and not wake up. That would be good.

I am safe, I haven’t done anything, just wishing.

Bushfires not far from me Friday last week brought back memories of similar event few mths before I turned 6yo that caused flashbacks.

@Captain24

@Captain24 I'm sorry I missed your last post sweet. How are things feeling for you now?

It’s ok @MissGremlin I was about to delete it hoping no one seen it.

Im awake and not hungry so that’s going to make things even more difficult later. As I’ll be hungry before I get my lunch break.

Im really tied even though I slept well.

Im feeling really rough and just don’t want to go.

Exciting news though… we have had 4 ml of rain!!! With a storm currently happening so maybe more.

The only thing is it’s going to make work hard as the roads will be really slippery and there will be mud everywhere. I really don’t want to drive in the slop and lose control of the truck. So that’s just adding to things.

I hope things aren’t really bad in your world. I don’t really have a lot of time before work so please don’t think I don’t care. I will respond to anything tomorrow morning before bed.

Sorry @Flutterbug9 I went to bed and missed this.

That would have been so hard. Memories like that would have added to the scare.

@Captain24 your feelings are always valid sweet, remember that ❤️.

Are you able to take some little snacks in case you get hungry, just something to nibble on before your lunch break?

I hear you on feeling tired, that's like last night despite getting 9 hours i still feel so tired today.

Really hoping that you get some more rain, it's always nice and needed.

I can hear your concerns with the rain and making the roads slippery. If that happens just take things slowly, it's much better to be safe than to push it and something happen.

I've been busy cleaning and then building Lego with nightfury, it hasn't been a bad day. It's completely ok that you don't have time to talk now while you have to get ready for work. Know that I'm thinking of you and I hope work goes ok. Sending you lots of love and hugs sweetheart ❤️.

No probs @Captain24 I’m trying to catch up on posts from last few days in which I’ve been tagged.

so many things from my childhood I don’t remember. Something happens and current event brings the memory into my mind.

once I had fully made the decision not to evacuate, closed drapes etc and settled on the couch with the cats my anxiety started to ease. Anxiety didn’t fully settle for rest of the night though.

kept telling the cats we were all safe and they are both too young for their lives to end yet.