I can’t cope

Thanks @AlwaysMyself

Im a bad mum and they don’t deserve me to be their mum. They deserve someone better than me. Pix has been asking to get in the lounge while I’ve been sitting outside and I was ignoring her. Turns out Jett put a bone in the lounge and Pix couldn’t get to it. I feel so bad that I just want to cry. My poor baby. I hate myself for doing that too her. I do have steps coming so she can get on the lounge on her own.

I haven’t talked to anyone. I don’t even have anyone’s numbers. Others have each others numbers and do things together but I’ve never been asked or included. I’m not really wanted.

I can’t even talk to anyone I know. I’m just a burden to everyone. No one would even notice if I was gone. I don’t think anyone would really care anyway. I’m talking about my outside life.

*hugs @Captain24 tight*

I recall bed is a safe place for you, so that sounds a good idea.

You're not a bad mumma at all! You've even got steps coming for her already 😍 - that is a sign of love and care and an excellent mumma.

Jett was probably being a deliberate sibling hiding the bones where Pix couldn't get it. Not your fault at all.

I wonder if your workmates just assume you're not interested, rather than don't want you? 🤔

I know it is so easy to assume they dont want you involved (and yep, depression brain and anxiety brain will always try to tell us this too which makes it super hard!). But if there is an activity they do you'd like to join in, maybe casually ask if you can come along "one time"? See how it feels?

Or a 1:1 coffee with your good workmate? (Or substitute coffee for any activity)

I've asked people before if they want to hang out outside work. And i can tell you - people have had no problem politely declining if they dont want to lol. And not because they dont like me, just because they have other life priorities outside work (family, etc) or are really introverted and just dont do non-family people contact outside work. (I have a coworker that I joke about it with, he's so introverted. Over 3yrs ago he said he'd enjoy to go for a social drink some time. We never have 😅. But you know what? He's a person I called when I needed someone to pick me up and keep some company from the SI drop-in clinic once. And they were there in a heartbeat; even offered to bring biscuits! They dont dislike me. They just dont socialise lol)

It’s my safe place @AlwaysMyself. I’ve just gotten into it after sitting outside in the light rain. It’s only light but it was nice to feel and hear. We need so much more and so much heavier! We are desperate.

Ahe has stairs to get in my bed and uses them all the time so she should use the ones to get in the lounge. I wouldn’t say it was a good thing it’s just that I’m lazy when it comes to picking her up. See a bad mum. I can’t see any good right now.

That guy from work is a contractor and we don’t see him very often, only once a month I think and he doesn’t live here.

It doesn’t matter that they don’t want me. Sometimes it hurts but mostly I’m ok with it. There is no one my age anyway. They are all young.

I really hate myself and can’t see why anyone would want to talk to me anyway. I’m really not okay.

I don’t want to burden you either. I’m sorry I’m such a mess and a waste of time.

Please distance yourself if you need to, same for you @MissGremlin and you too @Jynx. I really don’t deserve you guys and don’t want to put any pressure on any of you. I really will understand.

Id anyone else is reading a long. I am in bed and am safe while I’m in here. I have no intention of getting back up. My body is just too exhausted and weak.

@Captain24 don't worry, i take time off the forums when i need to look after myself too. 😊

But chatting with you doesnt make me worse.

I prefer chatting with my older workmates and friends usually 😉. They're more interesting!

I'm only in my 30's. But I have plenty of friends in their 50's-70.

It can be hard to see our own worth and why people are interested to know us. But that doesnt mean it isnt there - just that we dont see it (at the time).

Thanks for letting the community know you're safe @Captain24. I hear that you are struggling with a lot of harsh self-talk right now - please don't hesitate to reach out to a crisis line if things become very overwhelming tonight. The community is here for you otherwise ❤️

Hope you can get some rest.

@Jynx @Captain24

Some things with GD resonate with me.

Originally used to put things down to being controlled by parents for years, not being able to discuss physical changes due to puberty with my mother.

its more than that though

Sorry you were control so much and couldn’t talk about things @Flutterbug9

Im sure @Jynx @will be open with us and it may help..it’ll open up some questions and discuss our thoughts . It’s something they are very passionate about

I got some sleep last night but nowhere near enough. If it wasn’t Wednesday I would have had a bit more sleep before getting up.

I have to go to the supermarket and don’t want to run into someone I use to work with. His wife always tells me every thing bad going on in their life and cries on me every time. I just can’t handle it today. Actually I can’t handle it most of the time. I avoid when I can.

I have to cook food for work this morning for the next 2 nights plus dinners for when I get home. It’s going to be a busy morning before I drop the dogs off at 11. I actually don’t want to face it but I need to eat.

Maybe if I get to the supermarket now I will find the energy to keep going even though every inch of me just wants to be in bed. I really need things to pick up for me. It’s getting really debilitating.

There’s lots of things about me that I’ve not mentioned on the forums hence my thread is entitled “the me no one knows” @Captain24

the last place I worked was not far from where I was living. Originally I thought of the convenience which it was at times. Didn’t take long before customers were seeing me and coming up and talking. Not something I wanted. At first I started going shopping at different times and on different days, not that successful. Due to few additional things, for few years before I retired I was driving approx 45mins to shops in different location.

I can semi understand your reluctance to go shopping.

hoping you got shopping done and home without any problems. 🤞🤞

That’s ok @Flutterbug9. We are here if or when you want to share. Whether not at all or little bits by little bits.

I actually don’t know who I am. I have spent so long masking that I don’t actually know what is me and what is the mask! I was on another thread and the mod was helping me work things out. But they left at the end of last year. I have pretty much worked out my sexuality and I did find some good qualities about me. I can’t currently see them though. But it was helpful. I was really lucky. It was also helping me work through my AuDHD diagnosis as well. @Jynx has been a godsend in working things out as well. They also helped me in that thread. I am really missing it.

I live in a country town and was born here. I have many people that have known me since I was born. Then I also worked in retail for many many years so I had loads of people that would stop and talk. Only recently has the town grown and I don’t know everyone anymore. I like to shop first thing in the morning as there is less people and less chance to run into anyone. I only grocery shop here, I don’t usually leave the house for anything else. I’m kinda trapped in here and can’t go out much. I can’t really face the outside world.

I totally get travelling to do shopping so you can do it on your own with less chance of people. The closet place to go shopping here is an hour and a half away so it’s not possible. That’s pretty much where we have to go shopping if we want anything other than the supermarket. I do most of my shopping when I go on holidays. But then I still run into people there and it’s 4 hours away. Spotlight is there and so is a really good Bunnings! Plus a big pet shop so I spend lots of money. That pet shop is the only place that sells the treats Jett likes! It costs me a couple of hundred dollars in there every time!