I can’t cope

Zuchinni slice is a good idea @Captain24 . I've been thinking i shpuld have lunch soon since its 1pm. I actually have dome zuchinni slice in the freezer which i think i'll defrost to eat.

It can be hard balancing distraction and the need to rest. And the internal feelings/thoughts/self-talk about guilt for resting.

Does it help at all if we here on the forum tell you that we support the decision for you rest?

Does it help if your doctor says you need to let yourself rest?

(That is, having an external person tell you thats what you should do -- to combat the internal voice that tries to tell you to beat yourself up for it)

3D puzzle sounds interesting! I guess it can be both restful and "productive" since once it is done you can move it off the kitchen bench?? Is that a win-win for the soul and brain? 🤔

I recognise now that its the anhedonia, but as a child/teen i was seen as "being difficult" because my mum would suggest activities to do (becsuse i was "bored") and there was always a reason i didnt feel like doing them / a barrier / dislike. I wasnt "bring difficult" -- i was just undiagnosed depressed! And later diagnosed depressed lol. And the ideas suggested for me to do alone just wouldnt do it for me, they were too much effort for no interest. Often what i needed was someone to do something *with* me, for *them* to help me with the initiating effort - eg going for a drive, but for them to drive rather than me. Or go to a cafe, but they choose the cafe.

I’ve made the slice and it’s in the oven @AlwaysMyself

Did you end up getting it out? I haven’t had lunch but do t really feel like it.

It’s hard as I can hear it and even my psych says it but I struggle to listen. It’s quite funny actually, I have spent days up on days in bed but now I can’t. My psych use to make me get up and do stuff and now she is trying to get me to slow down. (Except when she realises it’s mania) There is never pleasing her 😜. I’m not sure what is causing the compulsion of needing to be doing stuff. I don’t think it’s mania anymore as I’m sleeping (well except for today) and my lists aren’t quite as demanding.

My body is telling me to slow down though, it’s just exhausted.

That’s a good way to look at it, it’s making my clean bench look messy. Plus I started it before Christmas and I want it done. It’ll be frustrating with the bits I have to do though.

That’s how I’m feeling right now! Nothing is of interest and I’m resisting suggestions making me feel like I’m being difficult. I know it’s the anhedonia but it makes me feel bad. I feel bored of stuff too. I actually feel bored and I think that’s not helping, that comes with adhd as well though. Being bored also doesn’t help with needing to rest as I feel like I need to be doing something. It’s all just weird and complicated.

Im just doing the ironing and then other than dinner my list is done. I really can’t be bothered to bath the dogs. I’ll do it next Saturday. Pix won’t have a choice because it’ll be 2 weeks and it’ll need to be done.

What have you got on this afternoon?

I did have the zuchini slice for lunch - it was a great idea, and thank you to you for that @Captain24 ! We make them in muffin trays so they are easy to freeze in portions, so i had 2 muffins of zuchinni slice.

If i cook i am also too tired to then eat it. So when i cook, i cook in bulk so i have many serves to freeze. Sometimes i will deliberately cook not at a meal time, so that i can eat a meal first rather than be too tired to eat.

My dogs dont like bathing either lol. I eneded up resigning to booking them into the groomer regularly because i was finding it too tiring and kept putting it off to try to wash them and blow dry them every 4 weeks. And deshed my super fluffy one. They are very large dogs and only just fit into the shower with me. They are as long as the shower wall (or a bit longer?)

I will soon be going with my mum to visit my grandma for dinner. She goes every week. Since i am not currently working, i am choosing to go also to show support and care to my grandma. I find it very tiring though, so being able to tag along with my mum is easier than going by myself. Bu sometimes i will ask if my grandma wants to go out to lunch with me (and my dogs). She is quite elderly but still living independently and alone.

I’m glad I was of assistance! @AlwaysMyself

I just made it in a slab and when it cools I’ll cut it up and put it into containers ready to chuck in my lunch bag before I head off.

I went through a stage of lite’n’easy and now I struggle with frozen meals, it makes my stomach churn. So I can’t freeze stuff at the moment. But I usually just eat it for the next few days. I’ll cook tonight and divide it up so I have dinners for the next 2 nights for when I get home.

Pix is fine once you get her in there it’s just getting her in. She will let you bath her and blow dry her. Jett is easy to get but despises the bath, he hangs onto me and spears all four legs out when I put him in the laundry tub. He puts his head down in shame when I’m bathing him but is good to blow dry. Neither of my dogs could go to the groomers as being chihuahuas, they bite!

That sounds large! I love my little ones but I am actually scared of dogs!

I hope you have a good dinner. I miss my nan, well I lost her before she passed anyway, she had alzheimers. Her husband is 95ish and still living on his own and driving. I don’t go and see him every often as it feels like hard work and it’s like he has wiped Nan from the house.

Spend as much time with her as you can and let her share stories of the past. There is so much history in them!

Ah, that sounds absolutely divine, and honestly what most people's nervous systems really need. @Captain24 🫶

This is so, so wonderful. I can imagine it would feel quite strange, but also so welcome and healing.

Maybe one day you will be in a space where you can ask her what makes it hard for her to be vulnerable with you? (in your own words) You might be suprised what comes up. I had a conversation with my mum at Christmas about our intergenerational trauma and it was really helpful. 🥰

I know there is a strong link with your sense of self and your productivity, as well as managing challenging feelings in quieter moments, so rewiring this will naturally take time. Something that has been helping me is consciously choosing to simply explore a different pattern, knowing full well that my brain is wired for the familiar pattern and that it will be hard. And I think knowing that it will be hard, but you're simply experimenting, is helpful in taking the pressure off.

Hmm, perhaps nourishing would look like your 'going with the flow' day?

I am really glad that you turned to grounding and the forums when you were feeling this way, that's such a huge testament to your growing capacity. 🫶

Maybe one day I can ask @AuntGlow but I don’t think she thinks she is doing it, if that makes sense. She is always doing stuff for me so she would think that that is enough.

I’ve actually tried doing things different ways but it usually causes me a lot of stress and nothing gets done. Like, I’ve tried doing the mornings as me time and the afternoon as chores but I then can’t get to the chores, I just sit and can’t face them. I’ve tried doing things in a different order and it also causes a meltdown. I guess maybe I need to keep pushing my boundaries.

Totally, my sense of self comes through what I have done. How much I have done, whether I kept going or stopped at some point. If I have stopped then it’s not good enough. If I don’t complete my list it’s not good enough and neither am I.

I don’t think I can allow that. I’m currently doing my 3D puzzle as I want it off the bench and want it done not because I actually want to do it. Doing it is another chore that I have to get done. A ‘go with the flow’ day sounds amazing but I don’t think I can let myself do it. It’s always about pushing. Maybe if I had more time off and just had nothing to do maybe I could do it. But I’m not really sure. I do try to plan my days so I have a nothing day but will always find stuff to do. Yesterday was supposed to be to be that big I pushed myself to reorganise my Lego shelves. I do have to admit that it does feel better being done though.

It was make or break. I hit complete rock bottom. I had to try for my dogs, they would be lost if I had have done it. I had my means out ready to go.

Hi @Captain24,

I can hear that things are really tough right now for you, and that you are dealing with a lot of stress.

It sounds like you've really been pushing yourself to get things done. Looking at your photos you've done a wonderful job to organise your lego shelves, it looks like a lot of work went into that process and I'm glad you had a sense of relief afterwards. I hope you can try to be kind to yourself and allow yourself to rest, even if that is in small doses.

I'm wondering, is there something small that you could do to ground yourself at the moment? It might be something you've tried in the past that's been helpful. I can see your dogs mean the world to you and I'm wondering if they might help you to feel more grounded. Or perhaps there is something else you think might help? Would love to hear your ideas on what feels manageable for you right now.

Forest_Fairy

I finished it. It was horrible to finish but now my bench is clear and looks tidy @AuntGlow @AlwaysMyself @MissGremlin @Flutterbug9

Hi @Forest_Fairy

Things are really good at all but I’m trying.

Thanks. They do look good, I am happy with the result which is unusual. I still have a few things to do but it can wait until next week.

I push myself so hard that I don’t allow myself any rest but I think I really need to. Pushing myself distracts from my thoughts. Stopping allows them to come back. I’ve just sat on the lounge and it’s all flooding in.

Thanks for the prompt of grounding. I have one baby asleep on my lap and the other one is in her bed. I’m just patting him now. Maybe I could have an icy pole. The cold helps regulate a little. After being up since 3 a little nap sounds like an option as well. Maybe after the icy pole and trying to pull myself semi together. That’s about all I have the capacity to do. I’m really struggling and really stuck. I am safe, I’m not in the same position as last night yet.

Thanks amazing @Captain24.

so much detail

Where did you get it from?

what’s it made out of?