I can’t cope

Are you being too hard on yourself @Captain24 ? I don't think learning to fly is an over-night job! But if you do, tell me 🙂 It took me 15 years! You're a miracle. And yes, I certainly believe in you. It might seem dim now, but it won't stay like that forever.

It’s ok I know that I want be able to fly for a while @tyme. It’s just wishful thinking. On top of fighting the urges I’m now stressing about that. But I’m a person of my word. If I say I will do something I will follow through.

I need to be ok enough to put the mask on tomorrow night. Right now I can’t. Pixie’s boyfriends mum picked it up instantly yesterday when she came to pick him up. She has so much heartache happening in her life that I just said to not worry. I think I have him tomorrow too when I’m getting ready so I’m hoping that will be a distraction.

I know it can get better, it was better. It’s so hard to be this deep again. One part of my head is saying you can get through. The other part is saying to give up. I’m just stuck on this roller coaster that I can’t get off. I can go from deep depression to out of control high. I’m scared that this will be my life. I have been told that it will settle down once the medication is right. But it will still happen just not as often.

Cling onto hope @Captain24 🙂

I think it’s time to have a shower and go to bed. I really hope that I don’t wake up. I don’t think I deserve to. I feel really unworthy of anything.

Hey @Captain24 , sorry you feel this way right now.

Remember the times that have been much better for you. There ARE positive times. Just wait for them.

You deserve to be here. There are many who care very much for you.

Please reach out if you feel the need:

- Lifeline on 13 11 14

- Beyondblue on 1300 224 636

- Suicide Call Back Service on 1300 659 467

Take Care. I'm here for a chat.

Sorry @tyme. I shouldn’t have written that. It is how I’m feeling. I just have to ride the cycle through even though it feels impossible. There have been quite a few moments today and especially now when I’ve considered not riding it anymore

Hey @Captain24 ,

I hear that. It's a hard space to sit in. Seems to much easier to just go, yet there is a fighting spirit within each of us that does not want to let go.

That is what's keeping you going.

I'll be hopping off soon, and other moderators will be online. I hope you find some sleep tonight. You've got a big day tomorrow. You start at 5?

No I’m off tomorrow @tyme but I have a work function tomorrow night. The same as the one I went to when you had the wedding. The difference is the friend

i went with last time isnt going and neither is anyone from my crew.

Oh! Function! No wonder I was confused when you said no work mates... ooooo! As much as I don't like work functions, I'm looking to hear how you go.

Guess what? I also have a work function tomorrow. I'll let you go how mine goes too @Captain24

Let's conquer this together - we can share our battle wound stories after.

Have a great evening!

I did something I shouldn’t have last night. Now I feel even worse. I don’t know how to pull myself back together. I just wish it would all end. How am I suppose to go to this function tonight when I can’t deal with now? How do I put on the mask of being ok when I’m far from it? How do I walk into a room of basically strangers!