I can’t cope

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@Captain24 wrote:

Looking at the stars is fine but when I look at the Milky Way, for some reason I always think of @Jynx . I actually don’t even know why?

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Aww @Captain24 this makes me feel all kinds of giddy and joyful 🥹

The stars always make me feel a sense of wonder, like I simultaneously feel reeeeally small, but so so far from insignificant - that I am alive to look up at these distant points of light and alive in a time where we know how bonkers space is, how mind-bogglingly far away they are, and how each little dot is a burning ball of light just like Sol, our sun.

Oh you got me feeling all existential and rambly! Hehehe

Sorry to read you're navigating these health concerns, I imagine it's quite scary, and it always sucks having to 'wait and see'. I hope the pain remains at least somewhat manageable and that the scan helps you to figure out next steps 🤞

A nap is good @MissGremlin. It’s a time to forget everything. The heat doesn’t bother me at all. I love it. I do get hot and sweaty but I’ll be outside more when it’s high 30’s.

Our Bunnings is really little so it’s not exciting. There is a really big one at the place we go on holidays too and I love going in there!

That sounds so cool. What kind of goats? Little fun fact… I’ve shown goats at the Royal Easter show. They weren’t mine I helped.

Sometimes I think we shouldn’t have pets for all the heartbreak they cause but they give so much love and joy in their short lives. I wished that they lived longer.

That’s so cute.. hopefully it stays that way. My two are playing right now. Pix doesn’t follow me everywhere she just likes to know I’m here but Jett does. Even in the toilet he try’s to jump up in your lap! He has no sense of personal space! 😂

Thanks.. I don’t make phone calls easily. Of If I can put it off I will. It was even harder as it was so embarrassing having to say why I needed to cancel and then have her say it’s ok anyway. I’m going to be so ashamed tomorrow. It’s shameful having the internal done as it is but with this on top… I’m really embarrassed.

I hope it goes away for you. One less thing to deal with.

Sometimes it’s hard to see what we do for ourselves until it’s pointed out. Even then I question whether it’s true or not.

Thanks for making me feel like I’m helping, whether I am or not is different but it’s nice to hear it.

What have you got in for tonight?

My ultrasound is at 10:30 @Ru-bee. The shame and embarrassment is really getting to me right now. I’m really anxious about it and I’m having trouble with my anxiety anyway.

I guess the forums and us are a big part. I think of work people when I’m not at work. So I guess it’s probably a little bit like that.

I want to weed’n’feed my yard, I’m about to go and do the front now, I want to weed my garden and mow mum and dad’s lawn plus the usual bath the dogs and housework. I’m going to get some shelves tomorrow and I want to sort out my Lego. Not sure if I have the capacity but it’ll be there if I do. I have set up my diamond art for the first time in months so it’s sitting there ready to do if I’m up for it.

Hey @Jynx

How was your break? How was your Christmas with your partners family? I’ve been wondering how it went meeting them.

The stars are wonderful. I will just stand there and look at them. We must have talked about the Milky Way at some stage over the years, I don’t know but for some reason I associate it with you and camping? Weird.. I know. My brain certainly isn’t ‘normal’

It just doesn’t seem to stop. It’s like at the moment something is always wrong with me. The hormone tablets to stop the bleed!ng worked but they are causing really bad depression. I was to take them for 30 days and stop. I almost made the 30 days. If I started again I have to restart the tablets. So I guess that’s what I’m going to have to do. I’ll give it a week and see what happens though. Mental and physical health are bouncing off each other and not in a good way. My thoughts are hell and really extreme.

I have sent you an email if you have time to check

Shame and embarrassment are some really hard feelings to be sitting with @Captain24 Is there maybe something you can do tonight to show yourself some extra self-compassion, given these big emotions that you're wrestling with, and the anxiety that's coming with it? Like doing something you enjoy - maybe the diamond art, or gentle challenging some of your negative thinking, or doing something that makes you feel cared for like having a nice meal or shower?

Sounds like you've got quite a bit planned. Are the shelves to display your legos or are those two seperate tasks?

@Captain24 it was good! My partner was super nervous, the poor thing - she didn't need to be, I had a great time!! I think her dad really likes me 😋 Which is cool cos she said her dad has historically not been too fond of her partners. So that's a win!

I love that association haha - it's been ages since I've been camping, and been out of the light pollution so I could see that Milky Way streak! Might have to plan something.... 🤔

But it's not weird to me that you have this association, I mean that's how our brains store memories - through association, not so much logic 😅 Found this info just on google:

Atypical Synaptic Pruning: In typical brain development, a process called synaptic pruning eliminates excess neural connections. In the brains of some neurodivergent people, such as those with autism or ADHD, this pruning may occur more slowly or be less extensive, resulting in more synaptic connections. This abundance of connections may facilitate more associations between disparate concepts.
Different Wiring: The neurodivergent brain is often "wired" differently, processing information along atypical neural pathways. This can lead to non-conventional thought patterns, enabling individuals to see connections and solutions that others might miss.

I think this is why we ND types are such 'out-of-the-box' thinkers! More associations makes for some very creative thinking. So even if your brain is 'not normal' (insert Jynx-rant about 'what even is normal?' here) it doesn't mean anything bad 😊

Yeah the mind-body connection is wild, I am not surprised that your head feels a mess right now. Do you see your gp or anyone any time soon? One step at a time hun 💜

I'll reply in a tick 😉

I’m about to starting cooking dinner, if you can call it that. Boiled pasta with cheese.. @Ru-bee. I’ll have a shower so I feel clean as right now I feel dirty and violated too. I haven’t even had it yet. Normal pelvic is fine it’s the internal one I’m struggling with.

Im not very good at self compassion. Maybe I can sit with the dogs and watch some tv. The diamond art is ready to go though… I’m just not interested in it anymore so that’s why I got it out to try and motivate myself into trying it again.

I have a cube unit with Lego on it but you can get inserts to make more space and I have a lot of little Lego on it already so maybe the shelves will give me more room so I can tidy it up a bit. Then I’ve got big shelves in another room and hopefully sorting it out better will also create more space.

I’m glad it was good for you. @Jynx. How could he not like you!!! I guess it would be nerve wracking being a partner home too. Especially when she has had issues with her dad in the past! So much added stress.

Yoo should go camping and look at the Milky Way so at least my association is right! 😜

That makes sense. I do have random associations all the time. People think it’s weird how I connect things that there isn’t even much connection. It was an interesting read. I also remember different stuff. Something so simple and forgettable I’ll remember but something significant and I won’t!

I see my psych on the 20th. I don’t have a GP appointment booked in. I see the gyno on the 13th of Feb. so right now I have nothing but extreme thoughts and no answers. It’s all just too much and I’m not dealing with it.

Oh.. I crashed my truck last night. First load I went around a corner and slide straight into the edge of the road. No one was there so I just reversed out and drove off. I had to jump down and check if there was any damage but there wasn’t, just mud that I had to scrape off! First time in 8 years!

Just saw this on Facebook.

Number 2

@Captain24 I've never coped with the heat, even just being in the sun i start feeling like I'm coming down with a cold/flu. Which is what I'm dealing with tonight, my head hurts and my body is aching.

I reckon it's fun to check out different bunnings, it's like you can always find something new.

I'm actually not even sure what breed they were, but they were gorgeous and I used to sit for hours with them. Oh showing goats sounds like fun ☺️.

I completely agree, the heartache is unbearable. But the unconditional love they show us in the short time they are with us is definitely worth experiencing.

Awww cuties, my 2 have settled for the night now. Haha I don't remember the last time I went to the toilet without a shadow following me 😂.

I can completely understand the embarrassment over it but I'm sure you wouldn't be the only one to go through something like this. Being in that sort of job I'd imagine they would be quite gentle and understanding of things. Hoping it all goes ok for you tomorrow sweet, I'll be thinking of you ❤️.

That's the thing, even when someone says you do a good job, I'm proud of you etc, I can't see it or accept it. It's something I'm trying to learn how to but it's a matter of rewiring your brain in order to do so.

You really do help, never doubt that sweetheart. I appreciate and love every chat we have together ❤️.

I've got myself into bed, I've got an audiobook playing and I'm about to do some colouring.

What about you?

I’m waiting to see what happens at next appointment with psychologist. I briefly mentioned I have unusual hobbies, we had run out of time. Her comment was about her finding out next appointment. Psychologist I was seeing used to say about continuing conversation next appointment but it never happened.

im prepared to give this one a try. Won’t take much though for me to call it quits with her.

my place has carpet in the 2 bedrooms and polished floorboards everywhere else. I folded up couple of blankets, putting them one of top of each other. After slowly walking the filing cabinet onto the blankets it was easy to push filing cabinet down the passage and into the garage. Did the reverse when filing cabinet was near spot I had room to stand it in. Wasn’t as heavy as I expected.

no probs about telling me about things you have gone through and about the good relationship you have with your psych. 🙂

the ones that @tyme did are cute. Maybe when she is back from her holiday she can remember/tell us where she got them from.

go to 42 here today, 26 degrees at 8pm. 27 predicted for tomorrow, 40 for Friday. Was low 30’s mid morning when I finally got myself organised and had my 3mthly blood test done. 2 days time I’ve got 9am review appointment with pain management Dr at hospital approx 45mins drive from me. Appointment for standard ecg booked for noon at GP’s rooms.

I stopped logging onto the forums altogether. After few days I realised I was missing out on chats, support etc from other people including you, cuddlebear and always myself.

following today’s research I’m thinking of using the new 45cm square shelving unit for the bears, 5 on 2 shelves. I’m thinking about ordering these from eBay for my mini brick cats and dogs. Shelf unit is 160cm tall. Thinking small section at the bottom so my jigsaw boxes aren’t so squashed, approx 110cm for the bears. 2 ( maybe 3) of the display units in the photo on top of and in shelf unit.

Please pace yourself with the mowing.

will be thinking of you tomorrow, what time is your ultrasound?

how are you coping due to the unknown?

Bit of info about me and having gone through the unknown. Years ago I was booked in for hysterectomy due to on going cyst. On operating table the gynos had concerns about possible cancer. Week in local hospital, week at home with following week admitted to hospital in different town. Surgery fully completed (best thing ever) and items sent for biopsies. Took almost 3 mths to get results of biopsies which was “no cancer found”. For me, the waiting and the unknown are horrible things for anyone to have to go through.

sending hugs and hoping outcome of ultrasound shows nothing of concern. 🫂🫂