I can’t cope

Ah that makes me smile to hear that you though about me at Christmas @Captain24! I often find myself thinking of conversations I have with forum members when I'm away from the forums too, like if I'm talking to you about walking the dogs and how much they love the beach, I'll think about the conversation when I take Toby for a walk - That reminds me, we took Toby for his first ever swim in a local river... he wasn't necessarily a fan but he did follow me into the water. It was more about the need to be close to me rather than any real enthusiasm for water though haha

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through all of this right now. It's completely understandable to be having a hard time while you're still recovering and knowing that you have more appointments/procedures to come. I'm really hoping that at the end of all this it will feel worth it and the pain of right now will just be a memory 💜

Hey @MissGremlin

I just had a little nap until mum sent me a message. If she hadn’t I’d still be asleep. I needed it as I didn’t get any this morning. I’m trying to talk myself into getting my washing off the line and ironing it. I still have to go to Bunnings too.

I have a tank here but it’s only plumbed to the outside taps, bathrooms and laundry. If it runs out I just switch the pump over to town water. I do notice the difference with the water in the shower though. I couldn’t live on a farm. I don’t know how you did it. Did you have animals and stuff?

That is so sad. I don’t know how you were able to make that decision especially at such a young age. I’ve been devastated when we have had to do that with mums dogs but they were oldish. When my old dog died I was a complete mess. If anything happens to either of these two I don’t know what I would do.

Ooohhh… poor Casper. He is only young so will be able to regulate himself a bit better. But in saying that Pix has never liked the heat. She is just like her mum and overweight though.

These two play a bit but there is 4 years difference in them. Pix is a bit like ‘whatever’ but Jett has to know where Pix is at all times. He has near a panic attack if he can’t find her. If I know where she is I have to try and grab him as he is running around panicked and hold him really tight and take him to her. He steeled down once he knows where she is. He even does this at mums when he is running around with Keiko. If he doesn’t know where Pix is everything stops until he finds her.

I was brave and rang the radiologist place and told them what was happening and I can still have the scan anyway. At least that will be done and maybe there will be some answers in that. It was so hard to make that call. I really wish it never happened. Maybe next time round I might be a little bit luckier, or should I say normal!

Anxiety and thoughts are weighing heavily on my mind. Maybe if the pain eases a little it may not be as bad but I’ve had pain ever since the surgery just varying levels.

Hopefully that means your infection is finally healing for you. I really hope so as you don’t need severe pain on top of everything else.

Im glad you are working on things. I’m so impressed with you that you try so hard to distract yourself from it all. I’m not that good. I think you do really good self care and have a really good awareness of yourself. I’m saying that I’m not diminishing your pain in anyway. It is a horrible way to feel day in and day out. It’s so exhausting. I do really feel for you and wish I could help. Did you hear from the support place? When do you see your GP next?

Hello @Captain24!

How are you? How was your Christmas? 🫶

My psych told me I was stupid and selfish for making an attempt. @Flutterbug9. When I told the Pdoc in hospital she told me I was never to see her again and wanted me to report to her the next day that I had ended our working relationship. So I did. I didn’t realise it wasn’t ok as she was the only psych I had seen. But I did notice that all the facilitators in hospital treated us all so much differently. The stage I was doing had two facilitators and they were both fantastic, supportive, listened, easy to talk too, caring… it was really strange for me. One of those facilitators is now my psych. So I didn’t have the whole get to know you and trust you start to our working relationship as we had already met and talked in a safe space. It was different as she only knew snippets of me and we have gotten to know each other so much more. She can read my face and knows how things are, even through Telehealth. She will just say ‘what’s behind that fake smile’

Anyway.. you didn’t want to hear all that.. oops, adhd at its finest!

Trust has to be built and after two sessions you can’t really have that but to you have the feeling that it may develop? I know it’s hard to trust and especially with all that’s going on and has happened. We share sooo much with our psychs.

That’s a hectic appointment. Did you do anything after for self care or wind down time? I like how she wants to keep getting to know you before delving into the deeper stuff. As she gets to know you those goals and ways to help, she will be able to work with you and with what works as she will have seen things. To me, on the outside, it’s sounds like it could be a positive thing for you.

It only got to 37 here so that was ok. Tomorrow and the next few days are suppose to be hotter so I’m going to go and mow my parents lawn if I can get the lawnmower into my car.

Moving it for more Lego? It sounds heavy though so I hope you were careful. Research sounds like a good idea if you don’t like the heat. I’m looking forward to being out in it. I can’t tomorrow as I have an ultrasound and a dietitian appointment. Maybe after lunch.

They sound really cool. It’s an expensive hobby! Hopefully you have enough to get some more shelves. Damn all these appointments taking out money! I had a look for mini bricks and can’t find much. I did order two sets from Kmart but I don’t think they will be any good. I like the ones @tyme did.

I have felt that too. But I never looked at it from the angle that it’s only me I’m upsetting. It means that they win and wouldn’t even notice.

I should have called the supervisor but I think I got away with it. No one said anything last night and there is no evidence on my truck unless someone looks at the camera footage!

Photos sound great but only if you want to and only if you have time.

How has today been shaping up with your research?

The forums is a huge part of my life and my support so I feel like everyone is kinda always there. @Ru-bee. I love that you think of Pix and Jett, that warms my heart as this is your job where we a just members. To think that you think of me is pretty surreal. At work there is times where I have time in nightshift to get out of the truck and look at the stars. Looking at the stars is fine but when I look at the Milky Way, for some reason I always think of @Jynx . I actually don’t even know why?

I guess Toby isn’t a water boy. At least he got in though. I don’t think Jett would come in and save me, he just looks at me when I walk out deep. Pix however saw a little puddle on the walk with mum and dad the other day and made a beeline for it and then looked up at mum basically saying ‘see what I did’

Im suppose to have recovered. None of this should still be happening. I think something is wrong. I guess tomorrow’s scan will see. Hopefully if it shows anything the gyno will tell me before our appointment in 6 weeks. I guess I just really need to get over myself and suck it up but sometimes it just weighs so heavily on me especially knowing I have to go through it all again.

Hey @AuntGlow.

How are you? How was your break? Was Christmas ok with your (brothers?) in-laws?

Christmas was good, I struggled a lot with having people around and being so busy. I’m use to my place being my safe space and no one here. I got everything all done and all the food turned out fine. I did and supplied absolutely everything. So it was a big achievement.

Im feeling pretty down and out. I’m having really heavy thoughts. Passive SI that consumes me every night when I climb into bed. Well it’s there all the time but bed is when it swallows me up the worst. I’m still having trouble post surgery and that’s getting me down. 6 weeks until I see the gyno and hopefully get something worked out. I do have an ultrasound tomorrow and really hoping he calls when he gets the results but I guess that’ll be a wait and see.

My break was good!! It showed me that... I could use more breaks to follow my feet and go with the flow. (Thought you might relate to this) @Captain24.

It was a very yummy Italian spread, so I was well taken care of!

Yes, I completely feel you on this front - it can be so exhausting. I also felt a similar way actually, so you're definitely not alone.

I am so bloody proud of you for providing everything, that is huge! Did you take photos of the meals??

That must feel so overwhelming... are you finding that all the things with your physical health are making those thoughts more prominent right now?

Also, when do you have your next psych appointment?

PS: It's so nice seeing you and @MissGremlin connect. 🥰

@Captain24 I'm glad you had a nap, I had a little nap aswell. The hot weather really has taken everything out of me today. Oohhh bunnings is always fun to go to ☺️.

I'm glad you have that option to switch over but understand what you mean about the change in water. I loved being on a farm, we had cows, alpacas, sheep, chickens, geese and I had my goats and a horse. It wasn't a working farm just 42 acres of land to roam on and enjoy, we also ran a bed and breakfast there.

Believe me making that decision was hard but I wasn't going to let her suffer. She was my world and it still impacts me today that she's not here with me. My other dogs were hard to lose aswell but at least they were all seniors and had the most amazing lives, but even then I had to put 2 down on the same day which again took a toll but they were bonded. It's hard losing our pets no matter how old or what the circumstances are. We just have to try and remember all the good times we had with them.

Awww it sounds like your 2 babies are very bonded aswell. At the moment wherever Stella goes, Casper follows and if I get up then they both follow me.

Well done for making that phone call and I'm really happy they can still go ahead with the scan. I get what you mean about making calls, i struggle with that so much myself and often put them off for weeks or months at a time. But you did it, super proud of you.

I'm sorry that anxiety and thoughts are weighing on your mind but know that you're not alone, we are here. It's hard being in pain, it really adds to everything else and affects our ability to cope with things that we usually could.

Fingers crossed the infection goes away and doesn't come back.

Awww thankyou sweet, I often don't feel like I'm doing things to help myself but I am reminded by people like yourself and others here that even the little things I do are self care. You do just fine sweet, and the more we practice things the better we get at them. You help just be being here, by talking to me and offering advice and encouragement ❤️.

I forgot the photos!!! 😭 I’m so sorry @AuntGlow. I was busy and didn’t think. I really am sorry.

Yeah I relate to that. I really need some time out. I know I get 5 days off between blocks but it’s just not enough to completely relax and as you say ‘go with the flow’. I’m glad you enjoyed it though. Just to be able to chill and do whatever.

Im glad you were looked after. It sounds lovely and lovely of them to include you.

It was hard but then Boxing Day I had to work that night so I didn’t even get anytime to reset. It was a really long 3 nights and we all felt it. We all struggled with it.

Thanks for being proud, mum was too. When the others came for dinner that night she told them all how I did absolutely everything and that she didn’t have to lift a finger. It’s not often I hear good stuff from her. I do think my whole health battle has changed her perspective a little, well for now anyway.

I think so. I shouldn’t be having these problems and it’s really stressing me out. I haven’t really said how scared I actually am at the moment. I’m scared with what these scans are going to show but at the same time I want them to show something to explain all this pain and bleed!ng. It’s just like everything has worn me down. My psych does now about my extreme thoughts and especially of a night. So I have been open about it. It kinda feels like that there is so much going on mentally and physically that I can’t handle it anymore.

I see my psych in the 20th. It was the only time it worked in with her and my roster. That’s why she got me to have an appointment on her days off before Christmas. She was worried it was too long.

It’s been really good getting to know @MissGremlin and all of their support

That's a nice thought @Captain24 that the forums are always kind of with you. I feel like that too - yes it is my job, but it's also a big part of my life and so is everyone on here!

What time's your appointment tomorrow?

Do you have any plans for your days off?