I can’t cope

I was going to message earlier but my babies have only just gotten home. @MissGremlin They are half an hour late and I wanted to go to bed.

I had a couple of thoughts for you. My psych is really into ‘feeling’ As I was driving around today I was thinking if you.

Im not sure how you go with showering? I’m pretty bad at it when I’m really low. But… my psych has told me to have a shower and when I wash myself to ‘feel’ the bubbles in my skin. Take my time with washing my body and ‘feel’ the sensations. What the sponge feels like gliding down your arms, playing with the bubbles. Feel the bubbles sliding off. Feel the water washing them away. Also put your head under the shower and feel the water gliding through your hair, feel it washing over your face. That’s one.

Another is moisturising your hands. My autism doesn’t like moisturiser so I don’t do this one. Feel you skin before the moisturiser and then rub it in slowly, concentrating on one finger at a time. Slowly rubbing it in. Notice your nails on each finger. Feel how different your skin feels after the moisturiser.

Another one.. Spend 5 minutes with Casper. Rub his hair, look into his eyes, feel the love and connection. Listen or feel his heartbeat. Completely focus on him. How does his hair feel? Is it soft? Hold his little feet, rub his pads, just totally focus everything on him for five minutes.

This is just a couple of grounding things that may bring you closer to baseline for a little while.

My psych also told me to buy baby bath toys for my bath so that I will stay in it for longer! 😜 oh… and I did it!

How is today going for you?

@AlwaysMyself @Flutterbug9 @Cuddlebear sorry for the tagging thing again but maybe these might help you all as well. Just little things that I’ve learnt from my psych.

I’m just waiting for my washing to finish and then I’ll get ready for bed @AlwaysMyself another early start. The last dayshift and then Monday and Tuesday are nights. I do get really tired after work, but I’m still having trouble falling asleep. I need to work with my psych and find a way to help empty my mind. Take or quieten my thoughts.

It was a huge day but I do think that I did pretty well even though I didn’t do absolutely everything.

I hope you had a good day today and wishing you safe travels for tomorrow. Is far away? I get the not wanting to lie thing. I’m a pretty honest person but I do tell little white lies to my parents to save judgement and pressure. A little lie is mentally safer than admitting or challenging them with anything. My MH comes first. I get belittled enough I don’t need or want to add to it.

@Captain24 I'd just almost finished typing a reply and then I accidentally pressed the back button 😭. I'm sorry i don't have it in me to type it all out again tonight. It's been a really hard day for me (I'm safe). Thankyou for your message sweet, I'm just sorry i can't reply tonight.

I hope you get a good night's rest sweet.

I’m sorry it hasn’t been good @MissGremlin. It’s frustrating when you lose a post too, it’s kinda like something else to add to the pile.

It’s ok to not reply, it was just little things that you may be able to try. Nothing too much that you have to think about.

I’ve got a few more things as well but don’t really have the time right now and don’t want to overwhelm you with it all either.

Just do me a favour… if anything resonates with you please write it down with what you are meant to be feeling and noticing in that moment, please. Not now as it’s all to much but maybe tomorrow if you have a spare moment when you are strong enough to.

I really like the idea of the dog one @Captain24 . 😊

I dislike showers and don't like/use moisturisers either. Even just imagining the feel of the shower is making me pull a face and squirm 🤣, how funny.

Not a long drive home, about 3-4 hours plus any breaks/stops (fuel, etc). Assuming there is no roadworks or traffic accidents, that is. I just head off in the morning when I feel like it, don't need to get up early for an early start thankfully.

Is tomorrow the last day shift? or do you have tomorrow off to allow you to adjust your sleep schedule for the night shift pattern? My ex did 24/7 roster work, and thankfully they always had a whole day off between the day and night shifts. I think they had a 6-week roster, where they did a variance of early-mornings, normal days, afternoons, nights and weekends.

The tagging doesn’t worry me at all @Captain24

When wanting to share same info with more than 1 person tagging everyone is the easiest.

Im ok once im in the shower with warm water running. Can stand in the shower for ages with hot water running over my back. It’s all the pre shower stuff I struggle with …. Before or after breakfast, whether to wash my hair or not etc (sharing the only bathroom with the cats, litter boxes etc also adds to things). Due to panic attacks I can’t do the water running over my face. Can understand where your psych is coming from though

I really like that grounding idea that involves focusing on a pet. Ca see I could do that with my cats, especially my girl.

i had an afternoon where couldn’t get my mind to focus on things. Ended up feeling frustrated and deflated. Quite what I was trying to do and did some colour by numbers on my iPad

hoping you get good night sleep and chance to recharge your batteries before starting night shift.

night @Captain24

Morning @Captain24, hopefully this time I don't mess up trying to reply.

Also knowing that you were thinking of me while driving around made me smile, thankyou sweet ❤️.

So usually I'm ok with showering but lately I have struggled at times. But I also get sensory issues so sometimes the water on my skin is too much to handle and cos of previous trauma at the hands of others I also struggle to have water near my face. I have tried washing my feelings away though which was something that I'd previously been taught but I don't feel it works anymore.

Moisturising is a big no no for me, i don't like my hands feeling slimy or sticky. Even just the thought of it makes me go all funny 😂.

The Casper one, well that i do all the time. He's the one thing that keeps me going, his love is unconditional and he's always by my side even when I'm a complete wreck.

Hehe i love the bath toys idea but i can't fit in my bath.

I hope your day is going well sweet ❤️

I’m having really heavy thoughts. I had thoughts driving home from work that I haven’t had in a while. I’m extremely tired and my body feels weak and heavy.

I can’t even think. I’ve just gotten home and I’m sitting on my bed and just can’t get up.

I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. I just want to forget that I exist right now. I wish I could cry. Maybe that would help. I feel a real mess.

Hello @Captain24 my sweet, i hear you are having really heavy thoughts and i want you to know that you're not alone, I'm here with you.

Did something happen today to bring these thoughts on?

Thank you @MissGremlin

No nothing happened, it was just a general work day. As I got more tired I did make more mistakes, I just said to the digger operator I’m just being blonde that’s why I dye my hair blonde.

It’s all just feeling too much right now, way too much. I’ve read everyone’s posts but just don’t have it in me to be able to respond properly.

I need to have dinner but I don’t have anything prepared and don’t know what to do. I’m not even hungry.

I really just have nothing.

Sorry about all the negative stuff but I can’t see any positives at this point in time. All I can see is the next few seconds, even a minute sounds too far away.

How are you going?