I can’t cope

I shouldn’t have written that so I’ve deleted it. @MissGremlin

That’s me in a nutshell. Unpredictable and horrible.

I don’t know if it’s the AuDHD or the bipolar but I should know better.

I’ve had a shower and I’m going to bed. I need to before the thoughts become actions. I am safe. Bed is my safe space. Plus I’m too fat and lazy to get back out again.

Im sorry about what I said.

I’ll take a break and leave everyone alone.

I hope you can find even a little bit of peace in your evening.

Once again I’m safe. I’m going to sleep so please no emails as I won’t get them.

@Captain24 it's ok sweet. I'm glad you felt comfortable to share how you were feeling and I'm always here to listen.

You most certainly aren't horrible, as for unpredictable, well that comes with mental health and it's the same for me.

I hope you can get a good night's rest ❤️.

We are always here for you whenever you need to reach out. Sending so much love and hugs your way ❤️.

I’ve been in bed since 8:30. I can’t sleep. I’ve tried everything. I’ve listened to rain sounds for 2 hours, I’ve listened to thunderstorms for an hour. I’ve had silence. I’ve counted. I’ve had a shower. I had dinner. I took my meds. I don’t know what else to do. My alarm goes off in under 3 hours and I have a 14 hour day facing me.

Im not even tired.

I don’t know if its the adhd, bipolar, perimenopause, all the hormones I’m on, the medical health stress, the passive thoughts or just me that’s causing sleep disturbance but I just know that I need to sleep.

I know I said I would go but sometimes just writing it down can help, it’s the last thing I’ve got.

Hello @Captain24, I just read your post and I'm hoping you were able to get some sleep after you wrote it.

It can be so frustrating when we can't just sleep, i had the same thing happen to me yesterday although I was exhausted but my body and mind wouldn't let me sleep.

I know you have alot of things on your mind and I think that would most definitely be having an impact on things. Also being your first day back at work today could have played a part. I'm not sure how long you've been off for but sometimes just a break in routine can mess things up. I know it certainly does for me, normally I'm in bed at 7.30pm and I'll sit on my bed to listen to music or an audiobook while I do my colouring, but the last 2 nights I didn't cos of new years eve. I find that it can then take some time to get back into the routine again.

I'm really proud of you for coming here to share and giving it a go to get things out by writing it down.

How are you feeling today sweetheart? I know you are working so you may not be able to reply which is completely ok. Just know I'm thinking about you and I'm hoping you have an ok first day back at work. Sending you love and hugs sweet, you've got this ❤️.

I’m assuming you’re in bed now @MissGremlin.

My watch said I got 2 hours and 28 minutes sleep last night. That’s nowhere near enough but I functioned all day.

At the start of shift I was in a truck I don’t like under a digger that was loading in a way I don’t like. But after the first break I got taken out of it and put into a water cart so that was good. I was really busy so the afternoon went really quickly.

I just came off 4 days off. My foster is a bit weird. We work in a 4 week cycle. This block I’m working is 3 days then 2 nights and then I get 5 days off. It’s really hard to understand but I work 62.5 hours in 5 days plus travel. There isn’t really much time for anything while I’m working. We aren’t allowed our phones on-site either plus there is no mobile service anyway. I leave the house at 5:30 in the morning and get home about 7:45 of an evening.

I hope you quickly get back into routine. It’s hard though, it doesn’t take much to mess with it. I have a strict routine I follow while I’m working.

When my alarm went off this morning I just got up and did my routine but I finished it 10 minutes earlier than usual. I’m a little concerned as to how well I functioned on little sleep. I’m hoping tonight is better otherwise it could mean I’m going into a mixed state again. I don’t usually get them but since all these hormones it’s been messing with bipolar.

I still have so many thoughts running around but at least I was reasonably distracted until I got in the car to drive the 40 minutes home.

How has your day been? Any respite at all during the day? How’s Casper?

@Captain24 i am in bed but I have tears, lots of tears and lots of thoughts (I'm safe).

Oh that's so not enough sleep but I'm glad that you functioned today. Really hoping you can get a good night's sleep tonight.

The start of the shift sounds tough but It's good that got changed after first break. I love when it gets busy and time seems to fly by.

The way you explained it made it easy to understand. It definitely sounds very full on but I'm glad you get 5 days off after this block. Leaving at 5.30am and getting home at 7.45pm that's a very long day and I can see why you make up meals in advance for dinner.

Really hoping it's not heading into a mixed state but even if that happens we'll still be here for you no matter what.

I hope you can find a way to settle those thoughts so you can get some sleep tonight sweet. Sending you love and hugs ❤️

Casper is going well and hasn't really left my side today.

Hi @Captain24 and @MissGremlin and @Flutterbug9 , just caught up on the messages of yesterday and today. I am so sorry that you all have a shared experience of not being loved/wanted by your parents and being told that 😭. Absolutely no child ever deserves that, and it is never the child's fault. My heart breaks for you because I care. I wish i could heal those wounded parts that experienced that rejection. I hope that, over time, each of you will come to truely believe inside (not just intellectually know) that your parents are not representative of everyone else in life - not everyone dislikes or rejects you; many people (like us 😊) will actively like and want you. I know that will feel odd and doubtful, but i hope over time and consistency that you will see that at least *some* people genuinely care and like and want you, and that can open the door to reassessing how others who dont know you yet might also view you positively. 🤗

@Captain24 that is an early start and a looonnggg day! Wow! Sorry you got such poor sleep and having difficult thoughts.

I hope you get a really good amount of solid sleep tonight.

I had no idea hormones interfered with bipolar - but it makes sense. (I dont have bipolar, so i dont know more than the basics, so i find it really interesting to learn these things - thank you!)

Oh, and *never* worry about triggering me. 😊 i can read pretty much anything and even though things may resonate strongly with me it doesnt trigger me in a bad way. If anything, it helps me feel that that person also "gets" what i'm feeling.

I don't mind "lurkers" either 😅😊🥰 i do it sometimes too 😉 but less so now when i have less time.

I’ve just gotten into bed and hoping I can get some sleep tonight @MissGremlin

Im so sorry about the tears. Anything you want to talk about? I get the thoughts. They hit me the hardest when I get into bed. That’s when it feels really desperate. My psych knows so it’s all good. I am safe.

Is there anything I can do to help with the thoughts?

I get really messy in a mixed state so you may change your mind.

I love how dogs just ‘know’ they are amazing creatures. Their love is so unconditional and they love us more than they love themselves. Mine only got home an hour ago! But both are on the bed with me now.

@Captain24 I'm glad you are in bed and I hope sleep comes quickly and easily for you tonight.

I would but I'm worried to open that "can of worms" so to speak at the moment (I'm safe). Already in a fragile state and I'm not sure how i would go if i tried to talk about things. But know that i very much appreciate the offer, so thankyou sweet.

I'll always be here no matter how messy things get ❤️.

Yes their love really is unconditional, I'd be so lost without Casper. I'm glad both your babies are on the bed with you now ☺️

Hi @AlwaysMyself

Those wounds are there to stay I think. I have one memory that is really bad and extreme but my psych did ‘imagery rescripting’ and changed the ending to it and it has taken the sting out of it. But mums words are still there, I can talk about it now without shedding a tear. I’m not a big crier even when I want to.

They are really big days, the nightshifts are the same just leave at 5:30pm instead of am. But I get paid for it and get all my days off. I hope sleep finds me tonight too. The thoughts are the worst when I get into bed. But my psych knows about them and the extent and we are working together on them.

I didn’t know either until my psych pieced it all together. She doesn’t miss much! Bipolar is really complex. There is a lot to know, a lot to watch for and needs so much self awareness.

Im pretty good as I can read most things, some ED stuff and weight stuff can be very triggering though so I have to be careful with those. Trigger warnings are really helpful when added to those as I can decide if im in a good enough headspace to read it or not.

I hope you are ok?