I can’t cope

Hello @Captain24 sweet, just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking about you. I hope the night treated you kindly and you got lots of snuggles in with your beautiful puppies. Sending lots of love and hugs your way, you are amazing and you matter ❤️.

Morning @Captain24

Just dropping in to say Hi and let you know I’m thinking of you. hoping you, Jett and Pix had a restful night.

no pressure to reply

🌸🌻🌷💐

Hi @Flutterbug9 @MissGremlin @AlwaysMyself @Cuddlebear

I have been lurking around a little. Just wasn’t up to responding. Not sure that I am now but will give it a go.

I have appreciated your support very much and have seen it on another thread. Please know that I am completely shocked at the level of care you guys have shown. I feel honoured that anyone would care for me that much.

Yes.. last night was a tough one. I have been a little busy today. I go back to work tomorrow so everything had to be done. I did write a list for the last 3 days but all I have done is sat in the lounge or spent a lot of time in bed. So I had to work with my adhd today and get everything done at the last minute.

I have been grocery shopping for the first time since before Christmas, whipper snippered and mown the front and back lawns. That takes a couple of hours. I have bathed both dogs, changed my bed linen, done a stack of washing (towels, bed linen and clothes) ironed all that needed to be ironed and what has been sitting there since Christmas. I have also cleaned the kitchen, ensuite and done all the floors. Had a shower and washed my hair and had a bath. Plus prepped lunches for the next few days.

Lucky for adhd is all I can say. I may have taken extra meds to get through it all though (safe quantities)

While it sounds like a lot there is still a lot that I haven’t done but it just doesn’t matter. At least it looks clean for when mum comes and picks up the dogs.

I don’t actually feel any better. It was a rough slog. I had to push myself so hard that it now hurts.

Mum is still showing some care @AlwaysMyself but I nothing she will be able to keep it up until May when my next surgery is, that’s when I find out if it’s cancer or not. I think she is showing some care still as my cousin has been diagnosed with the same cancer that I may have. She is ok though, they got it early like mine will be if it is.

They never showed much care growing up. I was actually told I was hated and not wanted. That she wished she never had me or my brother. Sorry if that’s triggering to anyone. I don’t know anyone’s stories. Please let me know if I have stuffed up again.

My thoughts are really dark but at least I was distracted from them while I was busy. The passive SI is intense. I really don’t want to be here anymore I am safe and my babies need me.

Please feel free to ask me anything you want to know. I am an open book and will share anything. Don’t think a question is too intense or too personal. I’m happy for you all to get to know me as much or as little as you want to.

Im scared to ask questions about others but feel free to share what you are comfortable with or not at all. I’m ok with it all.

Just please remember my anxiety if I struggle with all the support. It’s not personal as I deeply appreciate it.

Thank you all again for your care and support. You have no idea how much it means to me.

I hope you guys are as safe as can be.

Hello sweet @Captain24, it's so lovely to hear from you today ❤️. It's also completely ok to lurk around here, I often do the same at times ☺️.

Can I just say well done for getting so much done today, I'm really proud of you. I can understand that it would have been a rough slog and that you pushed yourself so hard that it hurts. I hope you can allow yourself some time to rest for the rest of the evening before you go back to work tomorrow.

I'm sorry to hear the you were told that you were hated and not wanted. I relate to this so much as I was told that I was a mistake and that I should have never been born. I just want you to know that I am so glad that you are here and you are most certainly not hated or unwanted here sweetheart ❤️.

I hear your thoughts are dark and I'm sorry you feel like you don't want to be here. I am feeling the same way at the moment (I'm safe) so I know how heavy those thoughts are to sit with but you are not alone, we are here with you ❤️

Sending you love and hugs beautiful, please be gentle with yourself, you are so loved and cared for by so many of us here ❤️.

@Captain24 I’m not in a good headspace today and struggling with negative thoughts. Mind not thinking clear enough to fully respond.

you haven’t triggered me with things you have shared. When I was about 13yo my dad had a stroke which changed him from being very easy going and a man I looked up to a man I became terrified off, was verbally and emotionally abusive. I grew up not being told I was loved. Only heard my mum tell me she loved me during few weeks before she died when I was in my 40’s.

You are important and I care about you. my heart goes out to you. Here for you whenever you feel like chatting or want someone to sit with you.

Hey @MissGremlin

I lurk a little bit! I was talking to a mod on a different thread how lurked around a lot and I kind of liked it as she knew things from this thread and I didn’t have to repeat. She unfortunately left last week though. She helped me a lot.

Thanks for acknowledging what I have done. It was hard but had to be done. Now I’m fighting myself to move the sprinkler around my back yard. The joys of having your own home.

I have actually set up my diamond art for the first time in over 6 months. I haven’t done any but it’s there for my next days off. Hopefully it will encourage me to do it.

I still have to cook dinner. I really don’t want to but I need dinners for while I’m working as I don’t have time to cook when I get home. I just feel like curling up into a little ball and crying. I really don’t want to have to face work tomorrow but I guess I need to pay the bills. It’s usually a good distraction though. Plus I don’t have to be social as I’m in the truck on my own and don’t have to join in the two way chatter if I don’t want to. I have just remembered to set my alarms so that’s a good thing. 4:30 is early to wake up.

Im sorry you were told you were a mistake. That must hurt so much. It sticks with you. I don’t feel that I’m worthy of being loved, if my parents couldn’t love me then why would anyone else. I don’t even understand why my dogs love me.

Im sorry it’s so hard for you right now. If I could change it for you I would. It’s such a terrible place to be in. It hurts, it’s debilitating and it’s just so hard to face the next minute. I feel defeated. Like it’s all just beaten me.

Thanks for the hugs and care… same back at you.

It’s ok @Flutterbug9. I get the not being able to respond.

Im sorry about the negative thoughts, they are so hard to manage and deal with. They make everything so much harder.

Im sorry that happened to your dad. I must have been so hard to watch the change. To know that he became a different person. One of my aunties recently had a mild stroke and it changed her personality too however for the better.

Sending you my thoughts and hugs. Hoping things can start to feel a little lighter soon.

@Captain24 it's great that you were able to talk to a mod and that you found it helpful. They really do have an amazing team of mods here ☺️.

I know it was hard, but you did it and you should be so proud of yourself for doing so. Oh see i don't use a sprinkler cos I forget to move it around, my brain gets too easily distracted 😂. I stand out there and water my grass bit by bit and I use that as my time to get a bit of sunshine too.

That's great that you have set your diamond art up, I go months without doing any of mine so you aren't alone there.

Cooking dinner can be a big task, is there anything that might make it easier? Maybe you could put some music on whilst you are cooking. I hear you when say you feel like curling up into a ball and crying, I understand that feeling well. I hope work goes well for you tomorrow, it's good to have the distraction. 4.30am is a very early start, hope you can get a good night's sleep before you're alarm goes off in the morning.

It does hurt and those words stick with you. I'm sorry that you don't feel worthy of being loved but I want to gently remind you that you are so loved here by the community ❤️. I'm so grateful that you are here and i think you are amazing ☺️.

You described exactly what it feels like sweet, i know all those feels so well. I said earlier in my thread that I felt defeated. It's so hard but we just have to keep pushing through and hope that brighter days are coming.

Thankyou sweet ❤️

T/W negative self talk

I am safe.

@Captain24 oh sweetheart, I hear you.

Please know that these things happen, I'm always forgetting things. Unfortunately trauma affects our memory so it's not your fault sweet.

Forgetting your medication is hard but I'm glad that your mum will help you by getting it.

Please be gentle on yourself sweet, i know how easy it is to blame ourselves for things and that negative self talk really comes in to play. But you deserve nothing but kindness and understanding especially from yourself.

I'm sending you some gentle hugs, I'm here with you sweet ❤️