I can’t cope

Thanks @Shaz51. I’m not hanging around. I’m going to delete the forums off my phone tonight.

I don’t belong and I don’t like double standards or being judged.

Right now here isn’t the best place for my MH it just adds so much more to what is happening for me.

@Captain24

I’m sorry to hear that things have reached a point you feel you need to walk away from the forums for awhile. I do hear you and feel the same. Haven’t signed on for days now and am missing the forums, at same time I know I can’t keep trying to fit in.

You recent reply to one of my posts was 100% correct. Last couple months be lots of little things on and off the forums thar have all built up. I’m tired of getting in trouble, double standards with things, feeling excluded or ignored by specific people, being left feeling my struggles are minor. Im walking away from the forums as of tonight and dont know if I will return to the forums or not.

ive read your post/s about current physical health concerns. My heart goes out to you. Wish I could come and take those fears etc away.

im not going to go into how Im feeling etc. my choice. You have enough things of your to deal with.
Something happened today that showed me how bad my MH has become.

Dropped my car off for service at 9am this morning, I asked for it to be ready by approx 2pm. Just after 1pm I got phone call telling me due to unexpected things on couple other cars, my car won’t be ready until 3:30pm and I’d get phone call as soon as car was almost ready to go (I live approx 30 - 40 min drive away from firm that services my car). did some chores to to help pass the time. 3:40pm no phone call, panic attack started with thoughts of something was wrong, when was I getting my car back etc. tried phoning the firm, went to answering machine - that made me feel worse.

about 4:10pm firm phoned and said car was ready to pick up. Another panic attack as firm closed at 5pm.

Picked up my car not long before they closed. When I got home I found out the cold meat in the fridge had been there too long, so much for dinner. Food for today ended up being cereal this morning. Haven’t felt like eating for rest of the day.

I’ve said enough though. Please know will be think of you and hoping outcome of all physical related health concerns turn out for the best. Hoping your MH settles and improves

thanks for being there for me @Captain24

Sitting with you also @Flutterbug9 .

Sorry to hear you are also feeling the same way as them, and will be taking a break.

Know that if/when you rejoin you can always tag me and i will always appreciate the authentic you - no masks required, no fitting in required. (This goes for both of you!)

@AlwaysMyself When I take the mask off and share couple of things I’m struggling with I feel like I get no empathy or support.

doesnt matter though. Nothing matters

Oh @Flutterbug9 I'm sorry if I have missed those posts. Lately i have only been able to keep up with ones i am tagged in.

I care.

You matter to me.

Your struggles and challenges matter to me.

Always welcome to tag me, and i will answer even if it takes me a day.

There have been things behind the scenes which I can’t talk about on here that left me feeling unwanted @AlwaysMyself

post by someone in a thread with wording that I say about being in dark place yet are able to easily chat on the forums - I felt judged and left feeling like I was accused on faking things.

I don’t believe that what one person has survived was worse or not as bad as what someone else lived through. Ever persons experience is different and impacted on each person differently. Similarly, different triggers exist for different people.

everyone on the forums fights a battle within themselves with themself. Memories etc in human heads that won’t/cant’t let the heart heal.

brief summary of couple parts of my background and their impact on me to the day.

following 2 miscarriages, I was born 10yrs after my parents married. From things my mum remembered plus my own research, it appears I had a twin who wasn’t alive at birth. My parents and I shared same bedroom until I was about 11yo, both controlling everything I wore, where I went etc. between one or both parents I was controlled with everything until my early 40’s when my mother died, my father having died in early 1990’s.

At some stage whilst still in primary school I displayed signs of separation anxiety/ abandonment fears. This made worse following death of my mums youngest sister and their mum when I was 12 & 13yo respectively. Nothing was ever done to provide me help or support.

looking back I feel my mother played on my abandoned fears the older I got thus I became co dependant.

Child of DV from approx 13 to 16yo - ‘learnt’ couldn’t never do or say anything right. Yrs of emotional and verbal abuse no matter what I did. From 14yo, regular threats of being pulled out of school.

true friends - haven’t had any since late primary school

abandonment fears - regular battle with (almost fully isolate now)

panic attacks - easily happen when certain events happen, especially involving uncertainty or short term change in plans, and aftermath can last for days

confliction - fear of repercussions if stand up for myself in person to anyone

signing off for awhile, still on edge following panic attack yesterday and struggling with tears

@Flutterbug9 I'm very sorry that someone discounted your experience and challenges on the basis that you are also a friendly chatter here also. I can definitely understand how that is hurtful and not feeling safe for you. *big hugs*. I truely believe both can exist. I have met this same assumption in the past (sometimes still do) where people do not believe i could be severely depressed because i am friendly and envourage other people. These things absolutely are not mutually exclusive. I believe you. I listen with open ears, mind and arms to you.

Thank you for sharing your background. Given your hurtful experiences and fear of abandonment I imagine this was not easy for you to do again. Thank you. I honour this and deeply appreciate it and value it.

I wish you did never have to experience any of those traumas, let alone all of them. It is not a "typical" or "ideal" childhood experience. Or even adulthood experience as you mention about ypur parents controlling parts of your life right up until their passing.

Having any family member pass away before their old age is difficult, let alone when you were a child, and also when from suicide. And not to mention two family members. That is very traumatic, and I am sorry you did not get the support you needed (and deserve to have). It is not your fault. I can only imagine how hard that would have been.

And DV 😰 my heart breaks even further for you. Your whole world and realm of safety would be completely shattered i imagine. Where was safety? I notice this is also a similar time to when your family members passed away. A ton of bricks, emotionally. And without good friends at school for peer support either.

I am glad you have survived to still be alive. You have experienced so much, so many painful events and treatments.

And yes your experiences with your former psychologist who also made promises but did not live up to them. I can totally understand how that hurts ten-fold with your fears and anxiety too.

I really do hope that your new psychologist is as good as it seems so far. Really good ones do exist!! And i am hoping you have found one of those! I think there is real hope here. And i am willing to walk with you whilst you test it out and see how she reacts and set times to review if they are respecting your boundaries and doing as they promised. 🤗 biggest of safe hugs, if you wish to accept them.

Your experience is as valid as anyones. Everyone has their own story and as you say, that does not minimise anyone else's experience or story. It does not matter if someone had it "worse" or "less worse" in anyones eyes - that actually is totally irrelevant. We all need support in a way that is individual to us - that is what is important, I believe.

Thanks for the hugs @AlwaysMyself

feeling too emotional and teary to be able to say anything else

That is ok @Flutterbug9 . You dont have to say anything. And anything you want to say, in your own time. Sitting with you in the tears, handing out virtual tissues that dont disintergrate with a single tear.

I will be offline for the evening in perhaps 20-30mins - please dont feel i am ignoring later on; i am just busy.

Tagging @MissGremlin @Cuddlebear @NightFury for info of part of my story, why I go quiet at times and possible reactions to things.

watching last bit of Tanked on TV then signing off for the night.
feeling very drained both physically and mentally. Feeling teary and very emotional. DVD for short while then curling up in bed with the cats for early night @AlwaysMyself