I can’t cope

Wow… that’s a lot to take in @Jynx.

You really challenge me!

Food for thought though. It is 100% my mother’s voice. But it’s hard to separate that from myself. It’s like her voice and my inner critic are the same but its what is true. Thats what my head tells me.

Trying to work out if is the inner critic or self motivation is hard. It’s like they go hand in hand. The critic pushes my motivation. Yes.. doing too much will lead me to ‘feeling’ like I have failed. So I do have to take it slowly and gently. There’s this really narrow line that I’m sitting on and that scares me of falling onto the wrong side.

It’s hard cause all I see is mistakes. I do with the resin too but I’m able to see maybe if I try something else it may work. That’s actually a huge step. While it’s just resin if I focus on the mistakes I’ll give up. I want to give up as I don’t get it right most of the time but I get different ideas. The fact that I can do it with the resin really surprises me and I’m not actually sure where it comes from.

@Captain24 it is a lot!! I know it can easily feel overwhelming when I lay it all out like that, but don't forget this is the culmination of years of recovery for me - none of it happened overnight! The fact that you're open to the challenge, that you spend time taking it in, take time to reflect and look for those hopeful glimmers in it all, it's so wonderful to witness.

And yeah, it is hard when you may be able to consciously recognise that it's your mother's voice, but on that more automatic level it's harder cos... in our heads, we hear these words in our own voices!

And you're right, that line can feel really thin, which is part of why I don't encourage trying to 'get rid of' our inner-critic - it isn't inherently bad! But it can be harsh, and go beyond being a motivational voice and into that realm of shame.

Honest to goodness I read your last paragraph and wanted to cheer! It is such a huge step, and I'm super proud of you for seeing it this way. If you ask me, 'where it comes from' is from you! From that place of creativity, forgiveness, of inspiration - it's always been within you 💜

Hey @Jynx

I’ll respond properly on the morning. I don’t have the cognitive function right now. I’ve read your post a couple of times and it’s just not sinking in.

Im adhding. I’m bored. Lego isn’t interesting me, tv isn’t, wooden puzzle isn’t, get diamond art out is too hard, resin is too hard… I just got nothing. I don’t want to go to bed. I’m too wired. But I’m too bored. Aargh it’s just too much. I feel overwhelmed. I even looked at my SP and didn’t care for it.

I don’t know what to do. It has been a big day though. I went out for 2 1/2 hours this morning, lots of walking, lots of talking to people. One person dumped their shit in me as they always do. Then I went to the markets tonight to the dog treat man. It’s been big. I’m sore and just had enough.

I give up trying. I’ve had meds and they do nothing to help bring on sleep.

What else can I do? There is too much noise.

@Captain24 hey - well done on recognising that you're not in the brain-space for processing so much info right now, and putting in a boundary around when you'll be able to respond. Kudos!

I'm hearing you hun - that restlessness is tricky at the best of times, but I imagine being through so much intense emotions on Tues and then coming home to crash, bound to leave you feeling pretty wonky.

Sounds like you've got a bit of that kinda buzzy energy - I find movement super helpful, kinda helps to shift the energy out of my buzzy busy brain, through my body, and out. It sounds like you've had a big day though so it might be physical exhaustion combined with restless mental space, which is ROUGH.

Taking some time to just breathe, and if you can, sit with the restlessness. My therapist said to me recently, 'If you can't think of anything to do, do nothing.' Sometimes if we take a moment of stillness, what we actually need can become more clear.

I ended up just lying in bed and trying to settle. @Jynx. Lots of breathing! My watch went off twice with high heart rate. So I wasn’t imagining it. It was actually there. That was kinda validating.

I’ll try and remember the stillness for next time. I do think complete and utter exhaustion could have been the contributing factor. It’s been a massive few days and I’m putting pressure on myself to ‘get over it’. It’s been a roller coaster, that’s for sure.

Oh and thanks for understanding my complete and utter mess of a mind and body. I didn’t really understand it. It was kinda distressing.

Today I have to face the work Christmas party. It’s in that the mine site is putting on so there won’t just be my crew, there will be another one too. I don’t want to go but I do want to see what it’s like, if that makes sense. I’m might just go a lunchtime. Eat and leave. That way I will see it but only in a small dose. Less stimulation when I really feel I need a calm day.

I do want to recover and I do want to learn. Whether I’m able to do it right now or not, it’s still in my head. Some of it I forget but a lot of it I remember and go ‘oh Jynx said that’ You kinda plant a seed and while I may forget to water it sometimes it will still grow. Same with the other thread.

I am able to recognise that it’s my mums words, my psych has helped with that but yes it’s my voice and me telling myself. I need to slowly bring it back from being shaming. It’s a nasty critic and criticises everything. I guess we do need it as nothing is ever perfect and we need to remain humble and on track. It needs to have a little control of us.

I actually think it’s coming from all the advice I’m getting. I can’t put it towards my critic or my life but being able to fight that inner critic when it comes to that is a good thing. It’s a start to working with it I guess. I have things that I really want to make but I’m scared to as I keep messing up these ones. I’m trying to practice before I tackle the awesome things. That’s my inner voice not trusting me but preventing me from getting disappointed if it doesn’t work. Also Resin and working with different colours to make it look good isn’t easy! Is that kinda what you mean if I could actually put it towards my life?

Hiiii @Captain24,

Your last message came through after I finished, I am sorry!

How are things feeling for you today? 💛

Hey @AuntGlow

I feel like I’m in a state of constant overwhelm. Yesterday it all got to much and last night I couldn’t regulate myself. But with Jynx’s help I managed to calm myself down and go to bed.

Today was overwhelming too. The Christmas party.

I have done a lot today, bathed both dogs, changed bed linen, washed, dried and folded all towels and washing. Washed and folded all my bedlinen. I actually showered and washed my hair, even managed to shave my legs. I’ve almost sorted all the rubbish to put into the bin and then I have to put the bin out. I’m glad I wrote a list so I could actually get things done.

It’s a lot.

This afternoon after I got home I have done a little bit of Lego but not much else. Just sat and doom scrolled. That’s not helpful either.

I feel really bored but nothing is interesting me. Which makes no sense but I think I’m adhd’ing.

How are you?

Goodness, I understand that feeling well. I am really glad @Jynx was there for you though. @Captain24 💖

It sounds like you gained some wonderful reflective moments during the Christmas party, even though it was tough. I can imagine you would need some scrolling/disengagement time after that + all of the adulting you have done today! (This is where I remind you to be gentle with yourself!)

What is your favourite thing that you have come across during your scrolling today?

That definitely sounds like what my brain does! haha I feel like I am either over or under-stimulated... I wonder what a middle-ground would look like for you?

I am doing okay! I have worked a lot this week, so feeling quite sleepy. Still working on my assessment too... but going to be cheeky and do neither this evening and instead see my friends perform. 👀

Yeah. Lots of adulting this whole weekend especially after not doing anything for a few days. It’s been huge! @AuntGlow.

I get frustrated that I can’t find things to do. Keeping busy is how I feel like I’m being gentle but I know that’s not it. I don’t really get being gentle.

I found a site that sells different resin but it’s heaps cheaper. Still expensive but not as expensive as the one I’ve been using. I have done a bit of online shopping this weekend. I need to stop as I think Pix needs X-rays and that’s not cheap!

Middle ground for me would just be being content. Fine with me sitting and scrolling, fine with just sitting and doing nothing, being able to just enjoy the moment.

Im glad you are ok. What time are your friends performing? Assignments can wait. It’s not the last minute yet! 😜

@Captain24 complete and utter exhaustion makes a lotta sense!! One doesn't just 'get over' having had surgery hun. No matter how much we wish we could, our bodies need time to heal - and all those biochemical things going on in the body to support that process can easily leave us feeling completely depleted and incredibly fragile. So just like we would never tell someone they need to 'just get over' a broken leg - you can give yourself permission to not be ' just over it' yet!!

Haha well your messy mind reminds me of my own messy mind, so I do totally get that feeling. Glad I could be there for you.

Also awesome to hear that you're protecting your energy by being decisive about how much time you're willing to spend at this xmas party! Boundarriiiieeeesss!! 😊

Hehehe planting seeds is what I dooooo 🌱

For real though, that's really lovely to hear. It's something I try to do with intention, because it's been so helpful in my own recovery - hearing little gems that have slowly over time helped me to shift my perspective and open up different options for how I see myself and how I interact with the world.

I reckon you're on track, yeah - especially in terms of not pushing too far too fast. So just like you're not feeling ready to tackle more complex resin ideas just yet, because you know that right now the disappointment of it not working might overwhelm you. You know how I always talk about 'progress taking place outside the comfort zone?' Well we gotta do that in very small amounts, otherwise we can push too far and feel even less safe to engage in the thing than before. I know I've had art projects that I've given up on quickly because it was too hard too soon, and it can be the same with things like learning to talk to our inner critic. The keyword in all of this? You said it yourself - Practice.

And you are doing that! I've noticed you popping into other threads and chatting to members moreso lately, and I don't think you were anywhere near as comfortable doing that 6 months ago. But you practised not letting your inner critic completely prevent you from engaging in the space, and slowly got more comfortable over time. Proud of you! I hope you are proud of yourself too 😉