I can’t cope

Thank you @tyme

The pain was better this morning but I have pushed myself to do stuff today and now I’m in pain again. Not as bad though. Stupid me.. I know. I just had to accomplish something and I needed to clean my kitchen and to shower.

Im glad you had a rest day and were gentle with yourself. I do worry when you put too much pressure on yourself. At least now there isn’t anything urgent that needs to be done! Until something else crops up.

I was just thinking it must be soon. Of course you’re not ready, I would be surprised if you had even thought about it! 😜 I’d be three parts packed by now! Oh.. I haven’t forgotten, I’m still stressed about that. 😂

Are you looking forward to it?

It is hard. You really have to think. Some of the pieces are so little and can break easily. Everything has to go in in exactly the right way or it doesn’t fit. It can be really frustrating!

What’s mini Lego? I’ve never seen it. I’m doing a bigger Lego set at the moment. I like the simple mess of it. I have been getting into the smaller sets as they are quicker to complete and can get different ones done, where this one is going to take me a little while. I’ve done none of it today.

I have a job list that I want to do tomorrow and then the markets are in tomorrow night and I have to go and get the dogs some bones.

@Captain24 it's all a bit of a balancing act hey! I totally get the whole 'this is now at a level where if I don't do the thing, I will be more distressed than if I haul myself upright and just do it'.

Proud of you for managing to shower! I can imagine that will also help the healing too, cleaning off random bacteria and stuff. I'm glad my words helped you to feel okay with not doing as much.

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@Captain24 wrote:

I know, it would have worked by now. I just honestly don’t know how to let up on myself and move forward at the same time. I feel like the more I push and the harder I am on myself it ‘looks’ like I’m moving forward.

   

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I get that, I mean realistically the role our inner critic is supposed to play (at least in my opinion) is to motivate us, to allow us to see and learn from our mistakes! The tricky part is learning how to adjust the way we talk to ourselves, or if you like, honing the inner critic to provide constructive criticism instead of just criticism. It's a process!

The Lego looks super pretty 😍 Crystals are dope!

Oh hey look, your resin process kinda makes a good metaphor for recovery. Lots of trial and error, some stuff doesn't work and you gotta try again, but each time you do, you learn a little bit more that you can apply to the next!

Those pick em thingos look fun but my brain just goes 'oh what so I can only use it once? Bah!' hahaha but maybe I'm missing out!

Awww! You're dogs look WELL! I guess if they are munching on a bone, they are okay.

What a big few weeks they've had too!

When it rains, it pours!

Go slow @Captain24 . Work will always be there. And no, I'm not excited at all. I haven't really even thought about it. I want to book somewhere else though. I haven't even gone on this trip and I'm already wanting to book the next.

What's your next trip going to be?

A big balancing act @Jynx. I just need to be very careful. I go back to work on Tuesday for a training day and then Wednesday for 5 shifts straight. See how that goes!

I hate the inner critic. Only in the last few days have I realised what I am doing to myself. That I’m hiding myself behind productivity. That what I do isnt really good enough unless I have pushed myself to the limit and then that is ok. I can’t differentiate between the constructive and the straight criticism. To me it’s all criticism. Sitting around has been eye opening but definitely not helpful. It’s releasing everything that I’ve been hiding and avoiding. That’s where all my thoughts are coming from, I think. The stress I put on myself on Tuesday and the not being able to hide away from what I’ve been hiding. It’s all come to the surface. I’m not sure I’m making any sense.

I get the metaphor every time I allow myself for the resin to not work and then realise what I did wrong and have another go. I’ll get it right one day. Just need more resin! I do wish though that I could allow that with myself in life.

You can get ones that you can reuse but I’m not sure how that works. I just keep ordering more. I’ve got another 5 packets on the way!

I was talking to the vet today that saved Pix. I told her she still coughs sometimes and has breathing issues at times, so the vet wants to see her. She will do x-rays and check her out. I really trust what she says so I’ll book Pix in next week sometime. @tyme Sheehan choked while chewing non-stop on the bone though!

It just seems never ending at the moment. So much health stuff with me, Pix nearly died… it just seems to keep going.

Going slow isn’t working for me mentally. It’s allowed me to stop and realise what I have been avoiding and masking from. Those thoughts have been there but have been hidden under the pressure I keep putting on myself. Now there is nothing they are front and centre and not very nice.

You don’t seem to be someone that gets excited easily. Will you be excited when you leave? Or just meh? Its

like you just take things in your stride. Ooohh planning the next one? Where too?

Im just going to the same place we always go to in February. Nothing exciting. I did hear from the hospital today with a date for the course I want to do in August. So I’ll see if I want to go. Depends on if my psych is running it, if she is I will probably go.

Ergh... the course you want to do in August? I hope it doesn't psych you up to August, only for it to be cancelled again and no one know about it @Captain24 . May need to start telling yourself that if it happens, it happens, and if it doesn't, it's okay.

After reading your post, you made a really interesting point - that I don't get excited easily... that's really really interesting that you noticed that. Because now I think of it, you're right. I don't get any emotion easily tbh. I wonder if it is med-related, becuase i certainly wasn't like this before!

My emotions were all over the place!

Good pick up. I'm going to monitor it.

Before I wrap up, what've you got planned for tomorrow?

Maybe it’s the munchie med. @tyme. It messes with a lot!

It’s worth watching just to see. I hope it’s ok that I pointed it out. Sorry if it’s not.. too late now anyway!

Maybe some emotions do need to be tamed but you should still feel some.

Im going to clean my floors, I was going to bath the dogs and change my bed linen but it’s suppose to rain. Fingers crossed that we get some. It was suppose to rain today and didn’t. I also want to call into the twilight markets tomorrow night. Hopefully I don’t end up in pain.

What about you? Any plans?

I think it's more about my anti depressant @Captain24 . Since being on it, I have a very solid baseline emotional state... whereas in the past, I was on a major roller coaster.

And no, of course I don't mind you pointing it out. I just thought it was a very interesting noticing because I've never looked at it that way. But it's true. I don't get overly sad, happy, or excited about anything.

SOunds like you have a WHOLLLLLEEEEE list to finish tomorrow! Please don't do too much strenuous work. You've only just had surgery!

Tomorrow, at some point, I'll have to go to the chemist to pick up my vaccines. Or I might ask my sis to pick them up. Then, I'll do some more general work.

Have a good night. Thanks for connecting.

I slept in this morning again. I did something online shopping. Then I ended up go into town. We walked from mums house to the Main Street to an event that was happening. Watched all the motorbikes go past, there was well over 100 of them, all loud and revving their engines. Then walked back to mums. I was out for about 2 1/2 hours. The dogs had an awesome morning and loved the donuts.

I’m really sore now. I haven’t done my

list for today so I still have that to do. Will this pain ever go away and let me get back to normal life? I haven’t done the stuff I have to do! I can’t spend the next few days doing nothing.

@Captain24 learning to recognise the inner-critic, or inner-saboteur if you like, can be tricky. I think what's helped me a lot is learning how to 'dialogue' with those inner parts of me that want to be critical or harsh. But first you gotta learn to recognise it, and recognise that it's not malicious, just unhelpful. Another thing I found helpful was to try to figure out whose voice it actually is.

What I mean by that is like... quite often our inner-critic is just echoing things we heard when we were young. So it might be my father's words/approach, but I hear them in 'my' voice in my head so they feel like 'my' thoughts - even though it's actually just something I absorbed as a kid.

So for me, first step was learning to notice my inner-critic without condemning it. We might hate how our inner-critic treats us, but it is still part of us - and so just as deserving of compassion and understanding. Like being able to see that my inner-critic just wants what it thinks is best for me, regardless of how I get there. Second part for me was learning to take what my inner-critic said with a grain of salt. That could be as simple as 'nah don't need that right now' or could be like 'I think this is my father's voice, and doesn't really reflect my true values'. Then third part was starting up that dialogue, in the form of gently challenging and reframing what my inner-critic had to say.

It's okay if that feels pretty overwhelming right now! And your process may look different too, as you find what works for you! But we start small yeah? Baby steps, like you mentioned not really knowing when it's your inner-critic vs. self-motivation. So maybe for now it's just about learning to recognise it, or reflecting on where it's come from, without necessarily feeling like you have to change anything just yet. Cos that's how we end up putting pressure on ourselves, and if we set too high a goal and don't reach it - well that's just fuel to the inner-critic's fire, innit?!

And yeah! Just like the resin, we trial and error our way through it all. I think one of the most common things our inner-critics like to focus on is making mistakes. But mistakes are essential for growth!! Or as Bob Ross would say - there are no mistakes, just happy little accidents!