I can’t cope

Thank you for taking the time to add that context @Captain24

I know we all come in with unique backgrounds and challenges and it helps when we get to understand these a little better.

Also I just wanted to highlight what a huge change it is that you're able to go out and mow and work in the back yard. Massive progress from months back. Go Cap!!

Paddle boarding with dolphins sounds absolutely magical! I can't remember if I've ever actually seen dolphins in the wild, if I have it would've been in the distance

Thanks for understanding @Ru-bee. It’s going to take a long time to undo 48 years of conditioning especially when it’s ongoing. I often wonder what it is like to be loved and cared for.

I’ve done half the back and now to do the other half. That’s another hour to go. Then whippet snippet the front, go for coffee at 5 and then come home and mow the front. It has to be done as there is too many snakes around already. I don’t want another one in my backyard, it’s to scary. It is a huge change sometimes I can push myself to get things done. But then other times I just can’t. My last block of days off work I couldn’t do anything. I just slept and hated myself. I know I’m pushing myself too far today but that just means a little less to do tomorrow and maybe I can find some time to myself. Hopefully not go back to bed though.

We see dolphins all the time when we go away. It’s a dolphin breeding area, which also means a great white shark area! But the dolphins come in close to the shore especially along one of the dog beaches. I went to Forster once with Pix, it was just the two of us, we saw dolphins up close and Pix saw them. She wouldn’t take her eyes off the water. I know she saw them as her body lifted up and she looked surprised.

I’m not really sure anyone will check in but if you do I’m going to bed. Im feeling really sick and have a pounding headache. I think I dehydrated myself today.

hey @Captain24 i'm about to head off for the night but i did want to pop in and say hi before i go!

i get headaches when i'm dehydrated too. if you have hydrolyte/other types of electrolytes, they might help you recover a bit quicker? please do get some fluids in and rest up 💙

That's okay @Captain24, I am glad you listened to your body. ☺️

Hmm, I don't know if it's a matter of you being lazy, but rather, exhausted? It sounds like you're doing a lot annd working nights can make functioning during the day so much harder!

So I am going to remind you to be gentle with yourself where you can, okay?

I wish I could give you a big hug. I am so sorry this is all coming up for you in such a big way. Know that we care about you and ensuring that little Captain feels safe here. I know that fear and rejection are feeling prominent right now, so what would help you with a sense of safety tonight?

It sounds like working on this inner dialogue could be really helpful (I know it's so much easier said than done, but we can try some things out together!)

What do you think your psychologist would say to reframe your thoughts? And what do you think she'd ask you to do with these bigger feelings?

We're in this with you and want to support you, okay? 🥰

I listened I didn’t have a choice I felt like my body was shutting down. I still have a pounding headache and it’s making today hard @AuntGlow

Ive always been told I’m lazy and I am. But yes I’m exhausted. It was 3 nights so that is harder. I feel like I have nothing to give but I have to push myself really hard. I have to do stuff.

I feel really vulnerable after sharing so much. It’s all at the surface now and I’m really feeling it. I’m embarrassed about sharing. I wish I could take it back but it’s out there now. While I know it won’t, I feel like it’ll be used against me as it has done in the past. People take advantage of it and run with it which makes it worse. I’m feeling really scared. I don’t know what to do to feel safe on here. I don’t really feel safe anywhere. That’s why I just stay at home and don’t leave.

I don’t know how to reframe it or challenge it. It’s who I am and I hate myself for it. I guess it explains why I have so much self hatred and have nothing good about me. I’ve never had anything good about me or been wanted. Mum even said she was going to get rid of us and send us away so she would never have to see us again. These things stick.

How do you reframe that? How do you change that perception of yourself? How do you change that fear? How do you change those opinions? I’m a really sensitive person, I don’t know if they are the reasons why or if it’s just me that’s a sook. I’ve been crying a lot since yesterday.

I did go for coffee with the facilitator of the mental health group. I didn’t enjoy it at all but I told her I was an open book and she could ask me anything. She feels like we connected but we totally didn’t. I told her that I have a massive wall and don’t let people in. I guess that’s my past and continually being rejected. It’s a protection. Apparently she is on here so I’m hoping she doesn’t find me. I don’t need that. That makes this space feel unsafer.

I know you won’t respond to this until the end of shift tonight but just putting it out there for you to maybe understand. I know others are more in need than me and I’d rather you be there for them. I’ll go it alone as I do in life

@Captain24 I reckon you need to put a few post it notes around your place especially where you sit and talk sw the forums cause you are constantly reminded that your just as worthy as anyone is here to receive support and input from the peer workers as anyone else. You always have many peer workers replying to your post and putting in care and time, very often more than others, yet you refuse to see this. Hardly anyone says boo to me anymore, I screwed that up so it’s actually really frustrating when you keep saying things like this and yet have multiple people here.
said with care.

Good afternoon, lovely @Captain24!

Gosh, that's such an awful feeling, isn't it? What helps most when you have a strong headache?

Lots of people who a neurodivergent believe they are lazy, but they aren't. We're just in a world that supports those who fit within the mould of capatilism (and who wants that anyway?) 🤪

Just touching on the paragraph around "I feel really vulnerable after sharing so much" - I really do get this feeling and it can be so all-consuming and terrifying, because it feels so real. But I just want you to know that none of us are continuously thinking about what you've shared (in a good way!). For example, I am here worrying about the things I have said and done. So rest assured, on our end, you're in the clear. 💖

Of course those kinds of things stick... and your inner child would be really hypervigilant to signs that you aren't wanted or might be abandoned. I want to validate that your reaction makes so much sense and that experience must be so painful to carry.

Can we collaborate on some ways to make this a safer space for you?

Something I have been trying is delaying the impulses I have when those feelings come up.

Some research suggests that a feeling only last 90 seconds in the body, but that the thoughts we latch onto perpetuate it. What would happen if you explored allowing that feeling to have its 90 second cycle, and in that time trying some anchoring or grounding exercises?

Ah, I see - that's perfectly valid. When it comes to other people you know being on the forums, @tyme is a good person to talk about this with.

I care about everyone equally here, genuienly. I love you all!!

Transparently, if I ever don't get to people straight away or miss things, it's because of executive functioning. 🙈

@Bow the post-it notes as reminders are a great idea.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings here. We are here to support you as well, okay? Shall we talk more on your thread? 🫶

Sorry I offended you @Bow. Yes the PSW have been supportive but it doesn’t bring my sense of safety back.

I don’t post anymore just respond but I won’t respond as much

sorry

I don’t know what will make me feel safer. But that’s my problem. @AuntGlow. I won’t mention it again. I’m sorry for saying it.

It did make it real. I just wanted to give context and understanding of why I react the way I do. But I won’t react anymore. I’ll just keep it simple.

It’s ok.. I know you are busy and I honestly don’t expect to hear from you. I don’t want you to think I’m pressuring you. I’m trying to do the opposite. I’m sorry you have misread that.