I can’t cope

3 times I entered my details but didn’t get through @Paperdaisy. I’ve got a GP app tomorrow so I’ll talk to her.

I'm sorry you haven't been able to get through @Captain24 but that sounds like a good plan, to chat to the GP tomorrow. I hope you are able to get some rest tonight 💝

I’ll head of to bed.

Thank you for tonight @Paperdaisy

So I woke up this morning in a really bad place. I managed to bath Pixie, so she didn’t smell like seaweed anymore and have a shower just in time to get to my GP app at 12. It went ok and she thinks it’s time to start psychotherapy.

I went to see my MH nurse afterwards and we had a long chat. I felt better after and managed to do some grocery shopping, do my all my ironing from being away and mow my front lawn. It started raining so I couldn’t do the back.

I then sat down and started to think about some of the things that she had said earlier. Now I’m not ok.

I thought I just resented my mother for what she caused but after spending a week with them I realise that my father is nearly as bad. Both are controlling and critical and still treat me like a child. I had to ask permission to do anything while we were away. My brother can do no wrong in their eyes but it was pointed out to me today that he has a drinking problem.

Both my parents and brother are negative and criticise everyone and everything. They can’t show compassion for anyone. In their eyes they are the only ones that deserve anything and are jealous of those that have more than them. They are self centred and arrogant.

Im not like them. I’m the black sheep or maybe the only white sheep. I am negative at the moment but I’m blaming my MI on that and I’m working on it and I have come along way.

I have compassion and care for others. I feel like a maybe a better person than they are. I want to be a better person. But I feel so bad for feeling that. I should never think I’m better than anyone. I’m not. I’m not a good person.

I feel like if I was a good person then maybe they would accept me as I am. Maybe I’m not worth being accepted. Maybe I’m not worth anything and that’s why I’m alone. Maybe I don’t deserve to be accepted. Maybe I deserve to be alone. Maybe that’s why I push everyone away.

I don’t want to be any version of me anymore.

I’m not worth it

Hey @Captain24

Those are some very big thoughts.

I think that we all have to choose values that are right for us. I think it is not a comparison or competition about who is better. You don’t have to share the same values as your family, you just have to feel comfortable in the ones that you do choose for yourself. That can be very difficult when your family are so hard on you.

Maybe you could journal some of the things that matter the most to you in the world, and how you want to see the world, and the people in it. Spending the time with your family and coming away feeling like this, might be a good opportunity for you to work on those differences in a way that is focused on you. You are definitely worth the work and being the white sheep is a beautiful thing to be ❤️

I don’t feel like I’m worth anything or deserve anything @Former-Member Maybe my values are all wrong and they are right.

Right now I just want to give up on everything

Hey @Captain24

I don’t think it is a right or wrong scenario. I think it is what is right for you. The world is full of different people. It always has been, and it always will be. It is important to be true to yourself. I know it is hard to shake the doubt, especially when people close to you are so different or lack understanding.

You are worth so much 🥰

I am here with you tonight xx

I’m trying to be true to myself but I don’t seem to be getting anywhere so maybe my true self is nothing. I’m feeling really unworthy of anyone or anything. @Former-Member

Where do you want to go with it @Captain24?

I have always thought that the true self is ever changing and is very hard to define. I think that it’s the feeling in the moment and can’t be taken as a whole.

We have emailed you too, just to check in ❤️

I don’t know @Former-Member. I’m just worthless and haven’t felt this useless for ages.