I can’t cope

Hey @Jynx

Good to see you.

I did finally get to sleep it took a while though.

Jett woke me up at 7. I wiped down the kitchen bench and ensuite. Then I went back instead. Mum just rang and woke me up.

Im feeling really down and out. I just want to stay in bed and forget that I exist.

@Captain24 well having your slumber interrupted not once, but twice, is bound to do that! I would be crawling back into bed too haha. Anything else on this arvo?

Nah no plans. @Jynx. I did try and do some mosaic but I just can’t do it. I’ve got nothing. I am nothing.

Whatcha doing on on a Sunday.

@Captain24 having nothing in the tank does NOT reflect on your inherent value as a person. Having a go at mosaic and giving up is okay, at least you tried! Maybe you just need a little nap or something, since your sleep got all messed up.

Yeah I am just here helping out hehe, tis a bit unusual!

How did you go having to wake up early? @Jynx

I’ve been asleep all morning. The only thing I want to do is go back to bed.

If you read my posts from yesterday you know where I’m sitting mentally. I haven’t improved any.

I need to go out to Bunnings and buy weed’n’feed. Not sure I can leave the house. Mum wanted me to go to another town an hour and a half away tomorrow but I can’t people that long and especially with them. Plus dad’s driving scares me along that road. Also it’s really windy and no amount of medication stops Pix from vomiting.

What did you get up to on your days off? How’s your new partner going?

@Captain24 haha well it wasn't too bad, but Razz was who woke me up instead of my alarm. Hungry kitty noises are much more pleasant than alarm noises... until they're not and the irritation kicks in 😅

Ach, been a rough time for ya of late. I really do hope it's able to come out with your psych, maybe you can talk about updating your safety plan and stuff too.

How urgent is the need for weednfeed? Cos like... surely it can wait! Especially if it's going to be a nightmare to get it!

Not much, basically spent the day avoiding the heat haha. They're good! Am seeing them tonight 😍

Jett wakes me up at 7 every morning! @Jynx. I wake up to this little black face in my face! No chance for a sleep in anymore.

At least Razz gave you a reason to get up. Yes much better than an alarm except when a sleep in is needed.

I hope I can tell her. I’ve been pretty open with her. I’m going to write down what I want (actually need) to say and see if I can read it to her. Face to face would have been better right now cause I could just hand it to her.

My lawn is full of weeds and I’d like to do it but getting out of the house is just too hard. If I can get out tomorrow I’ll grab some but if I don’t then I don’t. I also want vanilla metho and you can only buy it from there. It’s really only 10 minutes away. It just feels far because it’s the other side of town.

Im loving the heat. It’s slowly starting to heat up. It’s 32 degrees so far today.

Im glad it’s going well for you. Are they poly to or just learning about it?

@Captain24 has that been a big adjustment to your sleep schedule? Would you naturally sleep longer? Cos even a shift like that will have long-lasting impacts on your mental state! It's why I typically don't work mornings haha it's just not my natural hours of being functional!!

Yeah I am a big fan of the ol' bringing a pile of dot points or even by writing it out fully! I think it's easier to read/rattle something off than to bring it up naturally, almost like you're just doing a lil task instead of like... conjuring up an emotional statement. Maybe you could take a crack at writing stuff down tonight? I find it helpful to sleep on it hey.

I'm sorry, vanilla METHO? That exists? Wow.... does it actually smell nice?

Ugh you must be loving that we're heading to summer! Forgive me if I don't share your enthusiasm hahaha I was soooo glad that today is only 23!

Nah they're familiar, haha I met them through my other partner remember? Teehee

I usually sleep to about 8 or 9 on my days off @Jynx. So it’s a big change. I’m thinking of stopping my slow release meds and see if I wake up more awake. Yeah you said you were nocturnal. Thats why I was shocked to see you.

I’ll give it a go. I need to write and rewrite it out.

I love the smell of metho but the vanilla one smells really good. As far as I know you can only get it at Bunnings. Well here anyway. They also have a lavender one bug I don’t like lavender, it gives me hay fever.

Im so looking forward to the awesome weather coming up! I thrive in the heat. It’ll be 40 degrees and I’ll be out mowing my lawn!

I didn’t realise your partner introduced you to them. It’s sounds like a good lifestyle. But I can see it’s totally not for everyone.

I am in awe of you being able to live how you want to. Have the life you want to have.

Haha I know right, it feels almost like I'm out of bounds, being here on a Sunday @Captain24 like a naughty schoolkid 😅

Yeah give it a go! And for me, I always find the process of wirting itself to be helpful - helps me organise my thoughts, and often if they're out on paper, they're less likely to be swirling around my brain!

Haha wanna do my lawn too then? 😝

I mean, nah it's definitely not for everyone.... but I seriously do believe that if it weren't so stigmatised, more people would realise that they're not as monogamous as they think they are! I mean why else is cheating so dang prevalent? Plus, I honestly do believe that it was my experiences with polyamory and relationship anarchy that have had the biggest impact on my healing my attachment trauma!

It is really wild to me that I inspire awe 😍

I hope you remember that I had pretty similar narratives to you once, and past me would never have dreamed to be living the life I have now. So even if your present self doesn't believe you can live the life you wanna live, doesn't mean you'll never get there 😊