I can’t cope

@Captain24 first off, hugs 🫂🫂

Sounds like you're having a real rough time of it darlin. Just curious... how you're feeling now, is it as bad, or worse, than you've felt before? When you've felt this way before, what has helped you break out of the spiral?

Speaking of spirals I found this last night:

Here with you hun 💜

I like that @Jynx. It’s a better way to think of it. Just one thing at a time not everything.

It’s not as bad as it has been but it feels like it. It feels like I can’t get out of it. Part of me just wants to give up and ….

Just time has gotten me out of it. Twice I got out of it in hospital. It did take longer the last time but I was worse going in.

It's exhausting hun, I'm not surprised there's part of you that feels like giving up @Captain24. I'm not sure if this is a comfort or not, but do know that even if it feels like 'time' is the only factor, it's not. Time didn't pull you out, you did. It just took time to find the way to do so. Time does still help though, cos you're right, it will pass eventually - no emotional state lasts forever.

Maybe you could try to take some time to reflect on those moments during your hospital stays where you felt like there were those little turning points, the steps forward and upward, up the spiral. What were those moments? What made them significant? Can you lean on the lessons learned then, now?

You don't have to answer these here, they're more reflection questions. But you can if you want 😉

Is it really bad and self sabotaging if I feel defeated? @Jynx.

I think the routine that was in-forced and the multitude of support that was there.

I can’t do it @Jynx

Not at all @Captain24 your feelings are your feelings and it's okay to make space for them. Self-sabotaging would be if you acted upon them in a way that part of you knows is not good for you. Which, if you're doing that too, also does not deserve shame. That's how we end up on the downward spiral in the first place!!

I dunno if this is helpful for you, but for me, it really does make a difference to remind myself that... I'm a mammal 😅 As in like... I think humans have accidentally set ourselves some wildly high standards and forgotten about the part where our brains are actually just monkey brains. Like... the amount of pressure you're under, how stressful and unsafe (both emotionally and physically by all accounts) your job is, how much childhood trauma you've been working through, how little emotional support and the lack of instruction for managing your emotions you've gotten over the years.... and then we've got these brains that default to crappy patterns, that hate making changes, that get stuck in their ways... and that do things like self-sabotage even when we know what we're doing is bad for us. Yeah I'd say your current emotional state is pretty dang understandable.

Humans are silly creatures who have somehow convinced ourselves we're above nature. But we're not, we're part of it. And our nature is that we are feeling creatures first, logical creatures second. So if you feel defeated, it's probably because you've been knocked about so much that even when your logic brain says 'no I am still here, this isn't over, there's no reason to think I've lost' your feeling brain is screaming 'NO BUT I HAVE ABSOLUTELY LOST, IT'S ALL OVER'. And it's really hard sometimes almost impossible, not to listen to the loudest screamiest internal voice! I think sometimes we just gotta let our feeling brain have its moment, its tantrum if you will, and then we step in with the logic after.

Oh my... that was a big ramble. I'm gonna post this and then I'll reply about the other bit regarding your stay, gimme a min 💜

@Captain24 maybe chat to your psych about some ways to build more routine into your day to day? I know how it goes though, it's a LOT harder when you don't have the external structure keeping you accountable. Starting small is your best bet! Is there like, just one small daily habit you could work on? Even if it's as simple as always having a glass of water before bed so you don't wake up dehydrated. Like when I say start small I mean small!

Do you think the regular check ins and support was kinda fulfilling some of your social needs that simply aren't getting met in your daily life? Or was it more about the quality of the experiences, like you were chatting to trained professionals who knew the right things to say?

Sorry if this doesn’t make sense. I took extra sleep meds and they are knocking me around. @Jynx

I read your ramble and until you said ramble I didn’t even realise how long it was! I took in every word. I really appreciate when you do that. I get so much insight. I don’t know if you know how much I appreciate you!

Ive started getting up at about 7 on my days off. That’s not me though that’s Jett waking me up. Sometimes I go back to bed and others I stay up. So that could be my something for now.

I think it was both social and professional. The other patients all understand as they are all there for different but similar reasons. There is not that kinda social connection. Plus we were all made to be social. The professional support was really good too

@Captain24 well I hope that means you'll be sweetly slumbering soon, and maybe catching up on some snoozles will help 🤞

Aww!! You're so sweet, that means the world to me! Believe it or not, I do get smidges of anxiety when I post big walls of text like that. Not enough to stop me from posting it, but I am conscious of how much I can yammer on about stuff! So to know it is not just appreciated, but that you read all of it and find it helpful and insightful, gives soooo much meaning to me and this work.

Aww this moment is so wholesome I am gonna explode! I'm all blushy and my guts are doing those funky lil backflips I get whenever I get complimented. Bless you from your nose to your toes darlin! 😊💜

Yeah perfect - and sleep hygiene is a great place to start too, I reckon it is one of, if not THE biggest factor that affects our mood!!

Oh yeah that's a third factor you've idenitifed in there too - no need to hide or mask your MI stuff cos everyone else there is in a similar boat.

Oh my stars, woopsie!! It's after 10pm! I better skedaddle!

May sleep find you swiftly, and I'll catch you tomorrow if you're about 😁

My head hit the pillow and I was out @Jynx

My sleep hygiene is usually pretty good. My air con is set, I play thunderstorm for white noise and a lot of the time I have a shower before bed. At the moment I’m missing the shower as I just don’t have it in me.

Im sure I’m not the only one that appreciates you! I also love the way you talk, I find it engaging! I think you are a fair bit younger than me but you talk the way I grow up with. While my childhood wasn’t good, the way you talk is nostalgic!

There’s no masks, you can cry if you want to. Other patients ask if you want support or to be left alone and they honour your wishes. They don't try to make you feel better same with the nurses.

Ive been shopping and been to the chiropractor so I have tried this morning but really I had too. The Chiro appointment was booked and I have to go to that hell hole tonight. Just gotta get through tonight and tomorrow night and then I’m free for 5 days.

Im going to write a list of everything that I want to get done and see if that helps me outta my hole.

Now that’s my ramble!!! 😜