I can’t cope

As a kid it was a golden blonde but has gone brown as I got older but I have blonde foils. @Jynx. Yeah being so fine my hair easily gets ‘flyaway’ especially after straightening. So you tried to follow society norms when you thought you were a girl?

Alright here it goes… how many partners do you have? Do you go on dates and just do everyday stuff with each? Or is it mainly about the intimacy.

I am just so far down so it’s just making things even more difficult. Work is just the icing on the cake. Getting picked on cause I was f@cking up really did a lot more damage

@Captain24 hahaha yep sounds like my hair!! I used to get these bits that I unconsciously would tuck behind my ears, so they ended up with this big kink in them and when weren't tucked, would stick out in a really dumb looking way. So I shaved both the sides of my head and had a double undercut!!

Yeah I was socialised as a girl; I was a tomboy as a kid, but got teased a lot so tried to be more 'girly' to fit in. In my early 20's I was wearing dresses and heels and absolutely HATED it, but I thought that's what I was supposed to do if I wanted to be accepted. Fun fact - people care far less about your appearance than they do about your authenticity. Because I wasn't being myself, I never felt connected to anyone I was friends with. They were friends with the lie I presented, not me. When I finally realised I was nonbinary, and gave myself permission to go out and buy clothes I liked (from the men's section hehe), it was incredibly liberating!!

At the moment I have two partners, and yeah we go on dates from time to time! My partner of 2 years is often popping around of a weekend for some chills and chats, and my new partner lives super close to me so I might even pop by their place after work to say hi. My longer term partner and I have a lot of emotional intimacy but not so much physical...except boops and smooches. New partner welll... we shall see haha.

Aww hun that's so unfair. No one deserves to be picked on, regardless of whether they've made a mistake or not! It may only be the icing on the cake, but sometimes that's also the straw that broke the camel's back, ya know? Ugh, I know money is a thing so it's probably inappropriate to suggest like 'just take some time off' or something. But if there's any way for you to catch a break, I hope you can jump on it!!

I could never shave any part of my head. @Jynx. I’m not confident enough.

I was always a tom boy. (I’m not comparing, totally different) I was playing footy in the back yard with the guys or climbing trees. I’ve never been into dresses. I have looked at them but it’s just not me and heels, I don’t even own a pair! Im glad you were able to find yourself and dress and feel the way your authentic self.

Is there ever any jealousy? How many partners have you had to try and juggle at once? I hope you get to call in after work.

It defs was the straw. It pushed me way over the edge. But I guess I can talk to her about it tomorrow. I can’t take time off. I have holidays booked for Feb and I have to save up to go back to hospital. I just have to try and be better.

I need to want to be alive. But right now I don’t have that want

@Captain24 thought perhaps this might help with the confidence stuff -

I think confidence isn't really something I feel, like I still get nervous and insecure and stumble over my words and stuff. For me confidence has been more about leaning into the awkward. And reminding myself that 90% of people out there are just the same! I often find that naming my anxiety in the moment is met with compassion and understanding, because most people can relate.

I've not had more than 2 partners before, but never say never eh? Jealousy can arise, absolutely!! But I've also read a LOT of poly and consensual non-monogamy books and resources which have helped me build up some solid coping tools and conflict resolution strategies. I'm also lucky to have partners who are super chill and don't seem to struggle with jealousy much. I think as long as lines of communication remain open, and when jealousy arises it is addressed not repressed, we should be a-ok!

I'm glad to hear you're gonna go talk about it. Hope it goes well. It really sucks to have to push past your need for rest in order to keep a roof over your head. Capitalism is the worst.

The want will come. Your brain is under a lotta stress hun, and is responding accordingly - with a response as extreme as the stress. It will not be this way forever, I promise.

@Jynx it is interesting to read about your life. I'm glad you are able to give us a glimpse into it. I have never know anyone in that kind of relationship. I think you are amazing for being able to be yourself and live the life you want. It must have been very freeing to do so.

@Captain24 I hope today goes better for you hon.

Aww thanks for saying that @Snowie!! That's really sweet 🥰 I think being introduced to this style of relationship has been fundamental for helping me heal my attachment trauma. I used to believe in the whole 'You complete me! You're my other half! I'm nothing without you!' type of love but it turns out that's how you end up enmeshed and co-dependent 😅

How are you today hun?

What about you @Captain24 did you get some solid snoozles last night?

I do believe that some people are meant to be with others @Jynx. Whether that be one, two, three or even more people. I always tell my kids that they can be whoever they want to be and can talk to me about anything, no strings attached. My parents were never like that.

I'm ok today, have stayed busy. Eve7 has helped in keeping me company today.

I haven't really given myself time just to sit and let my brain wander.

Have watched the horse racing today. Do you follow the Melb cup?

Yes absolutely @Snowie!! I do believe in soul mates, I just don't think we only get one!! And even for monogamous people too - we can also have incredible, intimate relationships with friends that never cross that threshhold of romantic/sexual love, but still provide a deep and fulfilling sense of connection! I think that's awesome too that your kids are growing up with that message 😍💜

Aww nice, I'll hang out with ya too if you like!!

Haha had any floor time today? I was just talking about it on the ADHD thread, I find just lying on the floor for a bit helps reset my brain and gives it a chance to wander!! I wonder if the change in gravity impacts blood flow and alters our brain chemistry a little... must do some research!!

Not so much a fan of the races! I never really watch any sports at all, I'm too much of a sci-fi fantasy nerd 😋

I have never been close enough to friends to have those relationships @Jynx But I think that is more about me. Even as a kid I had friends but never close ones. I was always happier with my own company and not letting people close to me. Even now that is the case. I really do think my childhood trauma has something to do with it. My kids are the exact opposite to me, so is H.

I think all kids need that message. It's a shame that some don't.

I've never just layed on the floor. I have on my bed. Maybe I need to try it.

I only ever watch the Melb Cup. Don't have a clue about horse racing!

@Snowie perhaps, but I also think we live in a society that is incredibly isolating. It took me a really long time to be able to find these kinds of friendships, and I know I also got super lucky. I stumbled upon this today, was gonna chuck it up in Toolshed at some point but I'll share here -

It's a bit funny! But also I think it's important to be able to see how our adult lives are set up in a way that does in fact make it harder to make friends; which for me, helps me remember that it's not because of a fault within myself.

Yeah floor time feels different to bed time! I think maybe the hardness of the floor also helps stretch my back out!!

I imagine there's entertainment just in the excitement and energy of the races!! Hope it makes for a lovely afternoon 😊