I can’t cope

I'm glad you have those friendships @Jynx

Maybe one day I might have them too. I do realise that if I want them then I have to put in the work too. They do not just magically happen.

I also realise I rely on H a lot for that type of close relationship.

I only watch the Melb cup. I think it also has something to do with the fact that my Dads cousin had a big role in the races when he was alive. So growing up we always used to watch it and see him on the tv.

@Snowie a bit of work and a bit of luck... and tbh it's a bit of a 'numbers game' too I think... just a sales term that means you gotta talk to lots of people in order to find the ones that you feel connected to!

Aww see that is really sweet!! It's like a little ritual that can help you remember and feel connected to family, I love it!

@Jynx I think you are right about it being a 'numbers game'.

Have you got any plans for tonight?

I am home alone again. Just the dog to keep me company!

@Snowie aww cute, you get all the puppy cuddles to yourself!! What do you like to do when you have time n space to yourself?

I definitely need to do some tidying tonight!! I have decided I wanna rearrange a bunch of my furniture so gotta prep the areas so I can rope one of my stronger friends into coming and helping me shuffle it about. Spring cleaning I guess!!

She's deserted me and laying on my bed @Jynx!

I normally either read, watch tv or cook.

I like reading autobiographies and watching documentaries and movies based on real life.

Sometimes rearranging can bring a whole new feel to the room.

Haha the lil ratbag!! lol @Snowie you ever go chasing after em? Or like they're fast asleep and you go 'Aha!! Time to bother this animal" 🤣

Oh nice!! I think the majority of non-fiction I read is all psychology and therapy stuff - it's a good thing it's one of my special interests! Who/what you reading about at the moment?

I just let her sleep @Jynx She looks so comfortable.

Reading a book called Daughters of Warsaw by Maria Frances. Based around WW2.

I haven't read any books on therapy or psychology. Maybe I could look into them.

@Snowie naww cutie!!

Oh sounds heavy! But fascinating I'm sure!

A lot of em are very thick, and often written for a therapists perspective. Nothing wrong with reading em though, just a bit of a different frame!! And I have often remarked that one of the best things I ever did for my mental health was to study it!

I don't only read text books though, some of them are more like self-help I suppose! Two that I would HIGHLY recommend are Staring at the Sun by Irvin Yalom (about how we can confront death anxiety to help us lead more fulfilling lives) and The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz (it's a short, easy to read book with quite a lot of wisdom within!).

Lately I've been reading a couple books, I'm getting back into Internal Family Systems therapy, so I'm trying to finish reading the textbook I had from uni. And then I'm almost finished one called Polysecure by Jessica Fern and oh my stars I think EVERYONE should read it!! Even if you're not interested in polyamory or consensual non-monogamy, it has probably the best and most cohesive descriptions of attachment theory I've ever found, as well as a whole bunch of tips and stuff for building healthy and secure attachments - including with yourself!!

Anyway that's my book ramble doneski 😋

Hi @Snowie @Jynx @tyme

Ive just gotten home from my psych appointment. It was really good.

She said I'm in a bipolar depression. The more I fight to get out of it the more it will win and send me into that really deep dark hole. She said I have to just let it be and just do things for myself that I want to do not to force it.

She explained it like a tug of war, if I keep tugging it it will win and then drag me further. If I don’t tug back it hasn’t got the leverage to pull me in.

Thats different to other depression where you need to work at fighting it off with focusing strongly on self care. Thats why the self care I’m trying isn’t working.

She started to do the anxiety and depression quiz. We got part way through and I said that I hated it as it opens up so much. She put it down and we didn’t go back to it.

We talked about my work dramas and she thinks I was struggling so much trying to get it right because I already had the head telling me I’m useless.

My old psych knew nothing about bipolar so I was so shocked when this one knew all about it. When I told her she said that my old psych didn’t set the bar very high. Apparently all psychs should understand the different MI’s!

We have made more appointments and one of the days I can do is Christmas Eve. So I said that we will just have to miss it and wait until January. She isn’t working Christmas Eve but is concerned that by missing it it’s too much time between appointments and she is concerned for my wellbeing so she made an appointment for me that day and will do it from home. I think that shows care that I never got from my old one.

When I got there I went for a walk along the beach. It was nice but I didn’t enjoy it. Being at that beach and going into the hospital for my appointment felt kinda like home.

When I went upstairs to the consult suites everyone I saw knew me. I even ran into my hospital Pdoc. It felt so comfortable and I got to play with the therapy dog.

Everyone was worried about me driving home after the appointment but it just had to be done. My psych thought I was stay in the area for a few days. She was shocked that I only came for the appointment.

Anyway that’s a lot.

Sorry for the ramble.

Just read that you were studying ‘parts’ @Jynx. I really like the hr I had on it. It was really beneficial finding what ‘parts’ are your authentic self!