I can’t cope

I know I’m obese @Jynx. I can understand where the comment came from but laughing just triggered me way further than I care to admit.

If I went how I was feeling maybe that would make her think. But that’s not me. I can’t believe the response I got. She also doesn’t know much about ED’s as because I have put on weight it means it’s under control. I told her I eat 2 meals a day. So she thinks that’s good. It’s all the other stuff that is the problem.

Today has hurt.

Im not sure that I can do it. I can’t face me.

It’s ok, I know you are busy now and I don’t want to take time from others that need you more.

That doesn't matter @Captain24 - like maybe the comment itself was an honest mistake but then being laughed at when you share the comment with your CM.... like, I'd have honestly been surprised if you WEREN'T triggered by that!

Hmm... if you can't present to appts with the external image matching the internal world, maybe bringing some reference pics or something could help? Like 'I look like this, but I feel like this' - and show a pic of, idk a paparazzi photo of a celeb looking super haggard or something. Like just because you can't communicate your emotions with your appearance, or even verbally, doesn't mean we can't find ways for you to still be able to express them.

Also, if your CM doesn't know enough about EDs to be able to meet your support needs, you have every right to ask them to do some gosh darn research!! Tell em to go read some stuff on the butterfly foundation website. Or ask them to call butterfly foundation to ask them for advice on supporting you! And this might be where you can practice your self-advocacy skills too, in terms of phrasing it is a firm and assertive way. E.g.

"Hey if you have some time could you read some stuff about EDs for me please?"

is not going to be anywhere near as effective as,

"I am feeling like my support needs aren't quite being met, as it seems your lack of knowledge and experience with EDs, whilst not your fault, have led to some commments that have left me feeling really awful. I need (name it as a need, v. important) to be able to feel safer to talk about this stuff, so it would mean the world to me if you could take some time to educate yourself. Here's some resources etc etc"

And yes, please feel free to copy/steal any of the above if you think it could help 😉

Oh and PS please don't forget what I said last night!! I may not reply straight away but please don't let that get in the way of you posting or sharing as usual!

I could try making a visual @Jynx. Maybe she might listen if she can see it.

This is my biggest problem. I can’t advocate for myself. That’s why I’m not getting anywhere. That’s why they are all walking all over me. Thats why I’m failing at so much.

She doesn’t even think I have an ED. She said if that’s what the Pdoc says then I guess it is. Because I’m seeing a dietitian she has it under control. Everyone keeps just passing the buck and I’m falling through the cracks. But it’s my own fault that it’s happening because I can stand up for myself. I can say anything to them because it’s like they are the experts and what do I know. It’s side of me that just does as I’m told because if you question anything there is consequences. I don’t want them to tell me I’m not good enough. I don’t want them to tell me I’m always wrong. I don’t want them to tell me that I’m useless. I don’t want them to punish me.

I am so scared, I’m so controlled and I can’t do anything for myself.

I am such a loser. You can’t disagree, what I have just written shows it.

Worth a shot @Captain24 😊

Honestly in my opinion you shouldn't have to advocate for yourself. Vulnerable members of society deserve to be supported enough that asking for needs to be met is literally just 'I need this to be met' 'okay here you go.' Alas that's not the world we live in - but please don't blame yourself for not knowing how to self-advocate. It is legit a hard thing to do, and often requires skills that we don't really learn in school... like, 'keeping cool when standing up to authority' would've been waaaay more helpful than bloody trigenometry 😂

Perhaps that in and of itself is something you could ask for support with? From a SW or your psych? "I need some help in advocating for my support needs to be met" is itself a form of self-advocacy. And it would make it a lot easier to learn the skill if you're doing it collaboratively at first!

And legit don't forget, printing out this entire conversation to show to your supports (so you don't have to explain it all over again) could itself be your frist stepping stone towards self-advocacy. Always gotta start small, after all!

I mean... you say I can't disagree with your assessment... except that nothing within that paragraph contains any evidence of you being a loser. Besides, since thinking of someone as a loser is more of an opinion than an observable fact, and there's literally nothing you could say or do that would convince me to form the opinion that you're a loser. I couldn't even imagine ever thinking of you that way. So er... sorry not sorry, but you're wrong 💜

You write such knowledgeable posts @Jynx. I just want you to know that I actually read each one multiple times. I really do appreciate your insights.

T/W Body image

Im feeling as though I'm letting myself down by not being able to get the supports I need right now.

I have had a thought @Jynx. I see my GP tomorrow and then I don’t see anyone until after I have been in hospital. I came out strong enough last time to put boundaries in with my parents. Maybe this time I’ll come out strong enough to advocate for myself.

Anyway. Thanks so much for tonight. I appreciate it to know end.

Im not in a very good place right now. It’s very dark. Very dark thoughts.

Aww thank you so much for letting me know that @Captain24 that really warms me to hear! I'm so glad my words are meaningful and impactful for you hun, that means the world to me.

I am sorry that you're sitting with such shame around your body. Sometimes, it has helped me to try to focus not on the physical form of my body, but what it can do for me. My body is what perceives a glorious sunset, my body is the vessel for singing loudly and dancing wildly, my body is how I give hugs to my loved ones!

Ach wow, I really have to go! Night hun, thanks for trusting me with your vulnerable self. Sending you some of those aforementioned hugs - the very squishy kind 🫂🫂🫂

Wow, minus 3.6 @Captain24 ! 😮

I'm sorry your CM is not being supportive 😢

How long is it till you go into hospital now? I seem to remember it's around the middle of August sometime?

Hi @NatureLover

I hope you are finally starting to feel better?

I go in on the 12th. I haven’t heard anything from them so I’m trying to get in contact with them. That’s not easy.

I emailed my CM today and told her how I felt about her laughing at me. She emailed back that I did well to stand up for myself. I scoffed at it but thought you would be impressed @Jynx

Im stressing out. The receptionist told me today that my GP is leaving. I’m beyond devastated. I’m hoping he can recommend someone that is nearly as good.

I have a webinar soon and my laptop won’t load. 😡.

Good on you @Captain24!! You're right, I AM impressed! And very proud of you. I hope that, after the scoffing, there was at least a small part of you that felt good about it?

Oh hun, you literally mentioned yesterday how much trust you had in your GP, that would definitely feel like a blow. Perhaps you could specifically ask for recommendations? Or highlight the things about your GP you really valued, and see if they can find another doc with similar qualities!

Ach oh no! Internet issues? Could you join from your phone?

(Also PS that is where I'll be for the remainder of the evening as the moderator, so I probably won't be responding to any more forums posts tonight, just in case you notice my absence @Captain24!)